Was thinking last night that I felt the urge to write. It was almost 11pm, and there was no way I was getting out of my warm snuggly spot to get my laptop. The sudden urge took me by surprise, because obviously, I haven't written in almost a month. When did September become October, and October run into Halloween time? If I am not careful, I will blink wrong and Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here. Where did this month go?
And, seriously, what a month. The girls and I had an amazing trip away. I have never felt so blessed and loved in my life. Just knowing that God had answered my prayer for a short trip away in such a different way blew my mind. So thankful He hears prayers, even those that aren't necessarily needs. Funny how something so simple made me realize how much He hears me and loves me in spite of my failings. In spite of my frustrations, my inabilities, and my weakness. He loves me. He hears me. He blesses me. And not with millions (haha, or even thousands) of dollars, but in the simplest ways. Like the sun peaking through fall colored leaves on the green way. Like laughter of two little girls filling up water bottles with dog food. Like steam coming out of a cup of pumpkin spice coffee. Like homemade chicken noodle soup and warm cookies right out of the oven. Small things, yes, but so thankful. I am capable of feeling life's greatest blessings without extravagant sources of money. And, silly as it is, I am so thankful for that. The silly things we can be thankful for far outweigh the luxuries of a rich person. Seriously. :)
Let me just say, the girls and I had the best time. They experienced jacuzzi baths with more bubbles than I will willingly admit to pouring into the tub. Jess was almost lost the first time. Their laughter was such precious therapy for me. We stayed in a cabin that was secluded enough to make me feel away from civilization, but in all reality, the next cabin was less than 20 feet away; it was less than 10 minutes away from the main stretch. Kroger was 5 minutes away, three gas stations less than 3 minutes away. This seclusion was a much needed illusion. We enjoyed a few sunsets in a porch swing on the wrap-around porch, early morning snuggles in a king-size bed, and checkers by the lit fireplace. And, yes, I feel like I could write an amazing ad for the cabin. It was just that perfect. Well, aside from the jacuzzi tub in the bedroom. With mirrors. That was a little more than I bargained for, but the girls thought it was funny that someone could do their makeup while taking a bath. Thank God for innocence. We were fortunate to be able to do a few things while we were there, and for that I am so thankful.
We saw bears. Real live black (or brown??) bears. Lots of them. Sara and I spotted a mama bear and her three babies. That was both scary and awesome. God is so awesome. Watching her protect her babies was really cool. Made me realize God put my Mommy instincts in me (lol, and every other female creature on the face of the planet) for an important reason. No other beings create something inside of them. No other creation gets to have two hearts beating inside of them, nor feel the connection like a Mom gets to. It was amazing. No wonder I feel the fierce need to protect these little girls like I do.
It was so funny, because we went, and I was so ready to get away from life. And, yet life is exactly what we were doing up there. We took walks through woods. We laughed over tree stumps in the middle of the dirt path. We saw hundreds of squirrels, at least a dozen deer, and more bears than I am really comfortable with, I think 7 was the final count. Thankfully, we had no snake encounters. We laughed. We connected. And, really, none of us were ready to come home. Packing the cabin up was a difficult emotional journey. I felt so safe, so capable, so refreshed knowing this life God gave me is exactly what I want, even if it is hard.
I was telling a close friend of the family a little bit about my past last night. It is really funny, because it was the first time I ever told it without feeling no anger towards the people that hurt me or turned a blind eye to what was going on. Yes, I feel frustrated at the legal system, and I feel stupid at being so naive and willing to accept that life could be so painful, but the anger towards my ex is gone. More than anything, I just feel bad for him. I hate to think that he will never experience the giggles that come from having four bodies snuggled close in the same tiny bed. I hate to think that he doesn't get the love, the memories and the experiences having three crazy little girls around him all the time. Makes me sad, because it didn't have to be this way. But, remembering hurtful times yesterday caused me no tears, no regret, and no anger for the first time ever. It feels good to know my past is no longer my present or my future. My past no longer controls my heart, my decisions or who I can be. It is simply my past, and thankful doesn't even begin to express how that makes me feel.
This morning, despite a rough start, I praised God for my past and who it has made me today. I thanked Him today for my former life, and the closeness to Him I received for enduring it, one painful moment to the next. And, I sit here, feeling so peaceful and so loved in spite of life's craziness and lack of someone physically present to love me and live life by my side. While it is hard to wait for that perfect for me someone, I look around me, and know I will not make the mistake of doing marriage my way ever again. It is so easy to just know God is up there working my next relationship so that it will be God and God alone. And, the peace I find in not wondering how I can make it happen surpasses it all. God is so good.
And, while we are ready for things to progress, the girls are happy, they are adjusting well. I feel so blessed I can't even explain. It feels so liberating to know I am doing this. I had the moment of realizing how much life passed over me in 2011 without me really mentally present because of so many factors, and how much different my life has been this year because I let my grip cling to someone bigger than my current situation. I let go of what I thought I needed or wanted, and clung to something I viewed as unstable, and have realized that this "unstable" being is the firmest Rock I have ever stood on. I am so thankful I am where I am. I am so thankful I walked a rough road, because I can relate to people. I wasn't so sheltered that I can't understand how someone could stay with someone who hit you or treated you less than you deserved. I walked this crazy difficult road, and realize now that God never left me. Things happened for His glory and His glory alone. Through it all, his plans for my prosperous future unfolded. And, my story is coming. I can feel it starting to pour from my fingertips, ready for the freedom in knowing it is all behind me, and today and tomorrow are already taken care of. I can feel little parts of me unfolding, stretching towards complete freedom. And, I can't wait to see how God is going to work through me to help others.
This post was not at all what I started out to write. It is funny for me to have a purpose for a post, then it end up completely not what I had planned or thought. Gotta get back to a massive Lego house, now. Cassie wants a second floor on her cowgirl castle...
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Getting Ready...
So, I am sitting in the middle of several piles of clothes, shoes, small things to keep the girls busy, and clothes I still need to fold and put away. And a room that needs me to finish cleaning it. And the girls' room that needs ten minutes of my time. And the luggage that needs to be pulled out. And yet I can't seem to get over some seemingly small things.
Like gorgeous fall colors. I am loving watching the reds, oranges and yellows come out. And sitting here thinking about it gets me all excited, because in 24 hours from right now, I will be experiencing those same intensely beautiful colors in a cabin, secluded with the girls, ready for a small getaway from the craziness that is life.
Like God's ability to just love me. Yeah, sorta fall related, cause I feel like He puts on this amazingly beautiful display of colors just for me, just cause He loves me like that. Conceited, selfish, whatever. It's probably true for each of us. He does some pretty awesome stuff, just to show off how much He loves us. For some of us, it is fall leaves, for others a fish that was this big. Some find goodness in the quiet stillness of morning's first light, others sitting beneath the stars. Regardless, He loves us. He created this beautiful place for us to enjoy. While I feel silly saying this is proof of how much He loves us, I happen to know God could've created it ugly just as easy as beautiful.
Like peace. Such a small simple concept, and yet such a massively powerful feeling. Even despite not knowing what God's plans are for me, I have this amazing surge of peace, knowing He has called me for greatness. Single, married, divorced, whatever. Speaking to women or cuddling with kids, doesn't really matter, He is gonna get the glory. It's really His story, after all.
Like laughter. The amazing sounds of laughing women, giggling children, and all of creation just bursting forth with this sound that is just happy. Like nothing could take the fun happiness out of this moment, and I am going to laugh. Doesn't matter what tomorrow brings, I am right here in this moment, and it is good, so laugh. Smile. Delight in it. Don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's battle.
I am starting to seriously feel guilty, because I know in a few hours, I am going to wish that I hadn't sat down and written a few thoughts out. I know that I am going to feel a little stressed at the thought of four hours trapped in the car with the girls. I might snap a time or two, or cry, because I am a girl, after all.
But then... This moment of serenity is going to come. Memories are going to be made. Cabins and woods are going to be explored - cautiously, but explored. Bubble baths and play-doh time, picnic lunches and blueberry pancakes, enjoying God's masterpiece that is fall. Knowing the girls and I are safe. We are loved. We are forgiven. And we are each capable of being so much more than these things that hold us where we are right now.
My heart just feels so full, and while I know a short trip in less than 24 hours is part of it, I also know it is because God has consumed the whole of it. I want to stand on top of a mountain and just praise Him, because He is just awesome. And, honestly, I think the girls and I are gonna do just that...
Not sure whether or not I will post this week or not, but if I do, I do. If I don't, just know I am soaking up some massive doses of memories, fun, laughter and little girl time. And relaxing soaks in a hot tub, thank you Jesus. :) So thankful for where I am right now, even though it has taken rough experiences to get here. God definitely knows what He is doing, even if I don't understand it at all.
Like gorgeous fall colors. I am loving watching the reds, oranges and yellows come out. And sitting here thinking about it gets me all excited, because in 24 hours from right now, I will be experiencing those same intensely beautiful colors in a cabin, secluded with the girls, ready for a small getaway from the craziness that is life.
Like God's ability to just love me. Yeah, sorta fall related, cause I feel like He puts on this amazingly beautiful display of colors just for me, just cause He loves me like that. Conceited, selfish, whatever. It's probably true for each of us. He does some pretty awesome stuff, just to show off how much He loves us. For some of us, it is fall leaves, for others a fish that was this big. Some find goodness in the quiet stillness of morning's first light, others sitting beneath the stars. Regardless, He loves us. He created this beautiful place for us to enjoy. While I feel silly saying this is proof of how much He loves us, I happen to know God could've created it ugly just as easy as beautiful.
Like peace. Such a small simple concept, and yet such a massively powerful feeling. Even despite not knowing what God's plans are for me, I have this amazing surge of peace, knowing He has called me for greatness. Single, married, divorced, whatever. Speaking to women or cuddling with kids, doesn't really matter, He is gonna get the glory. It's really His story, after all.
Like laughter. The amazing sounds of laughing women, giggling children, and all of creation just bursting forth with this sound that is just happy. Like nothing could take the fun happiness out of this moment, and I am going to laugh. Doesn't matter what tomorrow brings, I am right here in this moment, and it is good, so laugh. Smile. Delight in it. Don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's battle.
I am starting to seriously feel guilty, because I know in a few hours, I am going to wish that I hadn't sat down and written a few thoughts out. I know that I am going to feel a little stressed at the thought of four hours trapped in the car with the girls. I might snap a time or two, or cry, because I am a girl, after all.
But then... This moment of serenity is going to come. Memories are going to be made. Cabins and woods are going to be explored - cautiously, but explored. Bubble baths and play-doh time, picnic lunches and blueberry pancakes, enjoying God's masterpiece that is fall. Knowing the girls and I are safe. We are loved. We are forgiven. And we are each capable of being so much more than these things that hold us where we are right now.
My heart just feels so full, and while I know a short trip in less than 24 hours is part of it, I also know it is because God has consumed the whole of it. I want to stand on top of a mountain and just praise Him, because He is just awesome. And, honestly, I think the girls and I are gonna do just that...
Not sure whether or not I will post this week or not, but if I do, I do. If I don't, just know I am soaking up some massive doses of memories, fun, laughter and little girl time. And relaxing soaks in a hot tub, thank you Jesus. :) So thankful for where I am right now, even though it has taken rough experiences to get here. God definitely knows what He is doing, even if I don't understand it at all.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Armed and Ready
I have this massive urge to just start writing random thoughts and feelings and memories tonight. And for some reason, none of it is flowing. I have started several different posts, trying to explain what I am feeling and thinking and learning, and I delete them. I believe this is the sixth or seventh shot at this. And, if you are reading something, it means I finally got something worth publishing... :)
I am working on something I can't wait to get out there. I thought I would be ready this last weekend. Turns out, it still needs a little tweaking. I am good with that. I have been walking down memory lane a lot lately, rethinking things that could've totally gone differently. And, I have decided I wouldn't trade a single second of any of it. I have realized that God sees me for who I really am. Strong-willed. Stubborn. Rebellious at times. He knew it would take a few hard knocks to get me to see Him. So, here my life is. Sorta full of hard knocks. And yet, amazingly, I have no sense of dread over an uncertain future. Kinda sorta amazingly awesome stuff right there.
I have been battling some emotional issues with Sara. I kept hoping it was her age, and not real issues. I am realizing it is real issues. While I know that some things in life can just happen, and are not intentionally thought out by Satan to trap or trick me, I am learning he does use anything he can for evil. Funny thing is, the God I serve is determined to use those same exact things for good. :) Sara has been having some issues. For respect of her possibly reading this ten years down the road, I will not say what I am thinking, but will stick to the facts. She remembers specific things that she saw when she was too young to be able to put them into words. As she is getting older and seeing things from a slightly more mature perspective, she is starting to grasp the reasons I couldn't stay in the house with her dad. It breaks my heart. I hate to talk about it with her. Really. I don't like to talk about things that went down between the two of us. It really doesn't concern her. Except that she is remembering things that are making her mad at God. And, let me just say, attacking my child is a low blow. Satan better be on guard, cause my Momma bear claws are out. And totally ready to fight. And totally ready and more than capable of winning it. So there.
Turns out, Sara is mad because she has been praying and knows I have been praying for God's direction regarding some situations in our life. I know God's got the situation, and is leading us towards the answer. However, Sara is not quite eight. She doesn't get it why He is ignoring her, and feels like it has been forever since she started asking. And she's a little mad. And, I was too, for a long time. My heart aches that I refuse to do this my way, because my waiting on God for this seems to be increasing her hurt. My heart aches that because I refuse to step away from what God wants, this thing goes "ignored" in her life. I am realizing that Satan is totally attacking her, and in attacking her, it is causing me to wonder the same things. Worry and discontentment are contagious, wretched feelings. It is hard to get them under control as an adult, and when I don't have the answer she wants or is hoping for, it makes it harder for her. We had a heart-to-heart Friday. We had something that renewed her hope for a short time that turned to struggle Saturday. And today, she questioned me. Point blank questioned me. While I am not going to say exactly what she did, I will give a brief overview. She wanted to know why it was so important that I do this thing God's way. Why do I keep believing for something when God hasn't done it for a long time? Doesn't God love us? What if His answer is no, or that we weren't good enough for it? Oh. My. Word. Why does being a parent have to be so stinking hard? As a mom, I can sort of see a similar situation. Sara wants a bowl of ice cream right before dinner. It will kill her appetite, causing her to not eat enough of the healthy food she needs to grow and develop properly. So, I tell her to wait. Except, I am a little busy making dinner, keeping her sisters off of the stove, thinking about work tomorrow, updating my facebook status and doing five thousand other things, and I forget to tell her the "just until after dinner" part. So, she gets mad. She thinks I hate her, because come on, if you loved me, you know you would let me enjoy my favorite ice cream right now. And, it is like Sara, or me even, coming to God with a request. His answer is to wait for just a little longer, possibly until just after dinner. Except he knows the hurdles we have to get through first. He knows the meat and veggies He is providing right now are strengthening us for something bigger and so much better ahead of us. Then, instead of overwhelming us with what we have to accomplish first, he blinds us to the details and just asks us to wait, asking us to trust him with our hearts and lives so that he can get everything worked out for us, for just the right moment. And, then, when He is ready, dessert will most definitely be served. On a silver platter, no less.
As I am writing this, I am almost laughing and crying at the same time. It is so funny, because in the last three days, I have had three different things happen that have reminded me that God does in fact have this. This thing is going to be answered for both of us; it is not going ignored. Faith. And, for those of you reading who were with me on Sunday morning, I still struggle. So, I am thinking I am going to take my own advice. First I gotta get my mind ready and armed for this battle. Then, I gotta get Sara in the Word of God. She isn't too young, nor is she incapable of understanding the meaning of faith. Maybe I gotta preach the message one more time, for her and for me. And, for those of you that weren't with me on Sunday morning, the message is coming here, too. Soon. Just gotta work up some courage and do it. Faith and worry cannot go hand in hand. You either trust God to do the things He says He's going to, or you worry that He won't. And when you worry, you have your own distorted control over the situation, and He can't do anything about it, except almost beg you to hand it fully to Him. He will not rip something from your grasp so that He can overpower you to fix it. He just doesn't work that way. But, when we can fully get our grimy little hands off of "it" He joyfully works towards a solution.
And, because these words keep moving and jumping all over the screen, I am leaving this post at that. I know God is going to give me the strength I need to show her what faith looks like. Yes, it is going to be hard. But, I know, without a doubt, in just a short while, I will look back and say, it was totally worth it.
I am working on something I can't wait to get out there. I thought I would be ready this last weekend. Turns out, it still needs a little tweaking. I am good with that. I have been walking down memory lane a lot lately, rethinking things that could've totally gone differently. And, I have decided I wouldn't trade a single second of any of it. I have realized that God sees me for who I really am. Strong-willed. Stubborn. Rebellious at times. He knew it would take a few hard knocks to get me to see Him. So, here my life is. Sorta full of hard knocks. And yet, amazingly, I have no sense of dread over an uncertain future. Kinda sorta amazingly awesome stuff right there.
I have been battling some emotional issues with Sara. I kept hoping it was her age, and not real issues. I am realizing it is real issues. While I know that some things in life can just happen, and are not intentionally thought out by Satan to trap or trick me, I am learning he does use anything he can for evil. Funny thing is, the God I serve is determined to use those same exact things for good. :) Sara has been having some issues. For respect of her possibly reading this ten years down the road, I will not say what I am thinking, but will stick to the facts. She remembers specific things that she saw when she was too young to be able to put them into words. As she is getting older and seeing things from a slightly more mature perspective, she is starting to grasp the reasons I couldn't stay in the house with her dad. It breaks my heart. I hate to talk about it with her. Really. I don't like to talk about things that went down between the two of us. It really doesn't concern her. Except that she is remembering things that are making her mad at God. And, let me just say, attacking my child is a low blow. Satan better be on guard, cause my Momma bear claws are out. And totally ready to fight. And totally ready and more than capable of winning it. So there.
Turns out, Sara is mad because she has been praying and knows I have been praying for God's direction regarding some situations in our life. I know God's got the situation, and is leading us towards the answer. However, Sara is not quite eight. She doesn't get it why He is ignoring her, and feels like it has been forever since she started asking. And she's a little mad. And, I was too, for a long time. My heart aches that I refuse to do this my way, because my waiting on God for this seems to be increasing her hurt. My heart aches that because I refuse to step away from what God wants, this thing goes "ignored" in her life. I am realizing that Satan is totally attacking her, and in attacking her, it is causing me to wonder the same things. Worry and discontentment are contagious, wretched feelings. It is hard to get them under control as an adult, and when I don't have the answer she wants or is hoping for, it makes it harder for her. We had a heart-to-heart Friday. We had something that renewed her hope for a short time that turned to struggle Saturday. And today, she questioned me. Point blank questioned me. While I am not going to say exactly what she did, I will give a brief overview. She wanted to know why it was so important that I do this thing God's way. Why do I keep believing for something when God hasn't done it for a long time? Doesn't God love us? What if His answer is no, or that we weren't good enough for it? Oh. My. Word. Why does being a parent have to be so stinking hard? As a mom, I can sort of see a similar situation. Sara wants a bowl of ice cream right before dinner. It will kill her appetite, causing her to not eat enough of the healthy food she needs to grow and develop properly. So, I tell her to wait. Except, I am a little busy making dinner, keeping her sisters off of the stove, thinking about work tomorrow, updating my facebook status and doing five thousand other things, and I forget to tell her the "just until after dinner" part. So, she gets mad. She thinks I hate her, because come on, if you loved me, you know you would let me enjoy my favorite ice cream right now. And, it is like Sara, or me even, coming to God with a request. His answer is to wait for just a little longer, possibly until just after dinner. Except he knows the hurdles we have to get through first. He knows the meat and veggies He is providing right now are strengthening us for something bigger and so much better ahead of us. Then, instead of overwhelming us with what we have to accomplish first, he blinds us to the details and just asks us to wait, asking us to trust him with our hearts and lives so that he can get everything worked out for us, for just the right moment. And, then, when He is ready, dessert will most definitely be served. On a silver platter, no less.
As I am writing this, I am almost laughing and crying at the same time. It is so funny, because in the last three days, I have had three different things happen that have reminded me that God does in fact have this. This thing is going to be answered for both of us; it is not going ignored. Faith. And, for those of you reading who were with me on Sunday morning, I still struggle. So, I am thinking I am going to take my own advice. First I gotta get my mind ready and armed for this battle. Then, I gotta get Sara in the Word of God. She isn't too young, nor is she incapable of understanding the meaning of faith. Maybe I gotta preach the message one more time, for her and for me. And, for those of you that weren't with me on Sunday morning, the message is coming here, too. Soon. Just gotta work up some courage and do it. Faith and worry cannot go hand in hand. You either trust God to do the things He says He's going to, or you worry that He won't. And when you worry, you have your own distorted control over the situation, and He can't do anything about it, except almost beg you to hand it fully to Him. He will not rip something from your grasp so that He can overpower you to fix it. He just doesn't work that way. But, when we can fully get our grimy little hands off of "it" He joyfully works towards a solution.
And, because these words keep moving and jumping all over the screen, I am leaving this post at that. I know God is going to give me the strength I need to show her what faith looks like. Yes, it is going to be hard. But, I know, without a doubt, in just a short while, I will look back and say, it was totally worth it.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Just Ask
I love fall. I love the autumn breeze, spreading a fall scent through the air. I love the cooler weather, the seasons changing. I love that fall makes me bake. Pumpkin bread. Pumpkin muffins. Pumpkin pies. Breakfast bread. Apple pies. Apple dumplings. Anticipating Thanksgiving menus, Christmas cookies. Seriously, my favorite time of year. I love the colors. The deep burgundy leaves, crisp yellow ones, gorgeous burnt orange crunching underneath my feet. Even the overcast gloomy skies today can't get me down. Summer is over. Life is moving on, and I can't help but feel joy at that thought. I am seriously wishing I could capture the smell that is permeating the air in my house right now. Coffee and warm cinnamon bread, mixed in with two little girls who have done nothing but giggle all morning. It is days like this that I just want to sit back and do nothing but thank God for the things I have, and what He has brought me out of. I love the feeling of a completely peaceful heart, knowing that in spite of difficulties or trials, I will not be left alone or forgotten about.
I was up late last night studying. Not homework, but the book of James. I have read this entire book a few times, but never really comprehended what I was reading. I was raised with the King James Version of the Bible. Don't stray from it, just study harder to understand it. By the time I was 16, I had read the entire Bible from cover to cover. And, sadly, I wasn't a changed person because of it. I gained no revelation. Underlined nothing. Yes, I was 16, but still, nothing? It was as though the words went in, tried to grab hold, and went right back out. Maybe this was typical for a teenager, but I seriously doubt it. As an adult, I have a slightly different view. I love to pick up my Bible and read it, memorizing little bits that just pull at me. I love to switch between several versions, memorizing the scriptures that grab my heart. I do not feel compelled to read the Bible cover to cover again. But, to read key sections, out of order, in ways that completely blow my mind is what I am doing instead.
I have been doing this study at church with a group of women on the book of James. While it hasn't been life changing yet, just reading the first chapter of James several times, in several different versions of the Bible, has really started speaking to me. My ultimate goal is to memorize the book. I have yet to start, because it seems a little overwhelming. As I read more, I realize a lot of the verses I use often are from James. I have this memory that will remember the basics of a verse, then leave me hanging because I can't remember where to find it. Or, I can remember where to find it, but for the life of me, can't remember what that verse was about, rendering me helpless to encourage someone with scripture. This is a source of frustration for me, because there are so many scriptures that have pulled me out of hard times that I know would encourage someone else. Anyway, I find it funny that over the last few months, I have posted several times about lacking courage to just ask God for stuff. Knowing the Bible says so much about asking and receiving, but still doubting God could do it for me. And, yet, the subject has come up again, but this time I am starting to really get it.
Three weeks ago, I was toying with the idea of something I wanted to do for myself and my girls. I came across a stash of records, some of which I researched were worth a small, but decent amount of money. I was excited, because I thought this was the way God was answering my prayer. Mind you, this was a selfish prayer. Something I wanted - not needed - to do. Unnecessary, extravagant, and a total desire. I prayed about it, listed the stuff on eBay, and waited. I sold one. After eBay took their cut, Paypal took their fees, and I shipped the item, I was left with about $1.38. I set it back, knowing that one day, I would need an ice cream sundae, and I would have the money for it. I giggled about three hours of work for such a huge amount of money. I felt slightly silly, but figured it would all be okay. I tried another method and made $6.50. At this point, I realized God was telling me no. And, strangely enough, I was okay with it. Not even disappointed, because I felt like if He were telling me no, there was a good reason for it. Yesterday, this silly desire of mine happened. And, I realized that God will not always answer the way I want. But, if I hadn't asked, how could He have blessed me with this?
This leads me back to the same spot I have been in. I have been hesitant to really ask and release my control over this want that I have. I think I was afraid God's response wouldn't be what I wanted, and that I didn't want to deal with the disappointment. After really getting into this study, I realize when I hold back, He holds back. Not as a way of punishing me for not keeping communication open, but because I have to ask before He can answer. Last night, I crawled into bed, and for the first time in a long time, prayed out loud. I hate praying out loud, especially laying in the dark, alone in my bed. I feel silly (ha, and now I really feel silly for admitting that thought in a public place...) for talking when no one is visibly present to listen to me. Anyway, last night, I prayed out loud. However, when it came to the part when I told God what this deepest desire really is, I stumbled. I couldn't seem to bring myself to verbally open up and just ask God for this thing. I started to, more than once, but in the end, went around the subject. It was almost like I was ashamed to have this want. I was ashamed to ask for something specific, as if I should just be thankful for what I do have. Granted, I was not about to ask for a second anything. Just one something... :) Several times in the middle of the night, Jess woke me up. Then, I had to try to shut down again and go back to sleep. And, the most crazy thing kept happening. I kept asking myself why? Why is it that my deepest longing is so difficult to utter out loud? Why do I find myself stumbling, never able to fully lay it down for God to have full control over? Every time I think about it today, I am thankful that I am seeing my struggle. I am thankful that I see it as what it is - a hindrance, a stronghold, a barrier. And, it is coming between me and God, not in a "walking away from God" sort of way, but instead, in a way that is causing me to not grow any further. And, that isn't what I want.
So, then, my mind starts setting the scene for my heart. The humor in me comes out, imagining God behind this massive wrecking ball, ready to come after me, knocking down this barrier that is preventing his love from pouring out over me, granting me the desires I have. And, it was about then that I realized my concerns, those little issues that I am struggling with in this whole "asking" issue.
What if God is who He says He is? What if God is so big and powerful that He actually gives me that desire? What if it causes me a little bit of hurt or pain? What if I totally mess it all up? What, then? Will it have been worth it?
Last night, part of our homework involved a simple idea. It asked us to list three different ways we could handle something we are involved in right now. Let me just tell you, this hit me hard. I wrote down what I thought I was already doing, realizing I wasn't doing it at all. I wrote down two other thoughts about how I could do this differently, then realized that my way really sucks. Really. The only way I can see this working is if God's hand is over it, blessing it. And, how can He do that for me when I can't seem to really allow Him control? How do I trust someone fully with something that I want so badly, knowing He might not answer the way I want Him to? Or, even crazier, answer in ways I cannot possibly comprehend or imagine right now?
This morning, I woke up 11 different times between 5:45 and 7:00. How do I know this? Because that is how many times I hit snooze and fell back asleep. And, almost every single time that stupid alarm went off, my brain asked me, "But, what if He does?" This silly thing came after me all night last night, and has been on my mind all morning. James 1:6-8 is such a vital part of our Christian journey. It hit me last night that in all of my worrying and wondering, I was really seriously doing myself a horrible thing. It says, "But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do." Let me just say, this felt like a punch to my stomach. I read it again today, and still feel so ashamed of myself.
You see, I do not see myself as someone with divided loyalty. I know without a doubt that regardless of my circumstances, I am gonna go to church. I am gonna serve God however He asks me to. I refuse to walk away from the One who has done so much for me. I'm going to lift my hands and worship despite the worries or struggles I face. But, I am seeing that when I can't ask, trust and believe, God doesn't see me with the same view. He sees me as being tossed in the wind, an unstable being, torn between His ways and mine. And, my friends, that is so not where I want to be. I want Him to know where my loyalty lies, that I know I can trust Him with my heart and my future. Funny thing is, my mind knows I can. Without a doubt. But, my heart just struggles with the fear of more pain, more loss. And, if I can post about it on a blog, I should seriously have no problems talking to God, who loves me regardless, about it. Baby steps... :)
I have a feeling this is only the first of many things that are going to be revealed to me in this study. I mean, this was only the first 8 verses! I cannot wait to dig in just a little more. I have a funny feeling this study is going to be world-shaking, life-changing for me. So thankful to be a part of it.
I was up late last night studying. Not homework, but the book of James. I have read this entire book a few times, but never really comprehended what I was reading. I was raised with the King James Version of the Bible. Don't stray from it, just study harder to understand it. By the time I was 16, I had read the entire Bible from cover to cover. And, sadly, I wasn't a changed person because of it. I gained no revelation. Underlined nothing. Yes, I was 16, but still, nothing? It was as though the words went in, tried to grab hold, and went right back out. Maybe this was typical for a teenager, but I seriously doubt it. As an adult, I have a slightly different view. I love to pick up my Bible and read it, memorizing little bits that just pull at me. I love to switch between several versions, memorizing the scriptures that grab my heart. I do not feel compelled to read the Bible cover to cover again. But, to read key sections, out of order, in ways that completely blow my mind is what I am doing instead.
I have been doing this study at church with a group of women on the book of James. While it hasn't been life changing yet, just reading the first chapter of James several times, in several different versions of the Bible, has really started speaking to me. My ultimate goal is to memorize the book. I have yet to start, because it seems a little overwhelming. As I read more, I realize a lot of the verses I use often are from James. I have this memory that will remember the basics of a verse, then leave me hanging because I can't remember where to find it. Or, I can remember where to find it, but for the life of me, can't remember what that verse was about, rendering me helpless to encourage someone with scripture. This is a source of frustration for me, because there are so many scriptures that have pulled me out of hard times that I know would encourage someone else. Anyway, I find it funny that over the last few months, I have posted several times about lacking courage to just ask God for stuff. Knowing the Bible says so much about asking and receiving, but still doubting God could do it for me. And, yet, the subject has come up again, but this time I am starting to really get it.
Three weeks ago, I was toying with the idea of something I wanted to do for myself and my girls. I came across a stash of records, some of which I researched were worth a small, but decent amount of money. I was excited, because I thought this was the way God was answering my prayer. Mind you, this was a selfish prayer. Something I wanted - not needed - to do. Unnecessary, extravagant, and a total desire. I prayed about it, listed the stuff on eBay, and waited. I sold one. After eBay took their cut, Paypal took their fees, and I shipped the item, I was left with about $1.38. I set it back, knowing that one day, I would need an ice cream sundae, and I would have the money for it. I giggled about three hours of work for such a huge amount of money. I felt slightly silly, but figured it would all be okay. I tried another method and made $6.50. At this point, I realized God was telling me no. And, strangely enough, I was okay with it. Not even disappointed, because I felt like if He were telling me no, there was a good reason for it. Yesterday, this silly desire of mine happened. And, I realized that God will not always answer the way I want. But, if I hadn't asked, how could He have blessed me with this?
This leads me back to the same spot I have been in. I have been hesitant to really ask and release my control over this want that I have. I think I was afraid God's response wouldn't be what I wanted, and that I didn't want to deal with the disappointment. After really getting into this study, I realize when I hold back, He holds back. Not as a way of punishing me for not keeping communication open, but because I have to ask before He can answer. Last night, I crawled into bed, and for the first time in a long time, prayed out loud. I hate praying out loud, especially laying in the dark, alone in my bed. I feel silly (ha, and now I really feel silly for admitting that thought in a public place...) for talking when no one is visibly present to listen to me. Anyway, last night, I prayed out loud. However, when it came to the part when I told God what this deepest desire really is, I stumbled. I couldn't seem to bring myself to verbally open up and just ask God for this thing. I started to, more than once, but in the end, went around the subject. It was almost like I was ashamed to have this want. I was ashamed to ask for something specific, as if I should just be thankful for what I do have. Granted, I was not about to ask for a second anything. Just one something... :) Several times in the middle of the night, Jess woke me up. Then, I had to try to shut down again and go back to sleep. And, the most crazy thing kept happening. I kept asking myself why? Why is it that my deepest longing is so difficult to utter out loud? Why do I find myself stumbling, never able to fully lay it down for God to have full control over? Every time I think about it today, I am thankful that I am seeing my struggle. I am thankful that I see it as what it is - a hindrance, a stronghold, a barrier. And, it is coming between me and God, not in a "walking away from God" sort of way, but instead, in a way that is causing me to not grow any further. And, that isn't what I want.
So, then, my mind starts setting the scene for my heart. The humor in me comes out, imagining God behind this massive wrecking ball, ready to come after me, knocking down this barrier that is preventing his love from pouring out over me, granting me the desires I have. And, it was about then that I realized my concerns, those little issues that I am struggling with in this whole "asking" issue.
What if God is who He says He is? What if God is so big and powerful that He actually gives me that desire? What if it causes me a little bit of hurt or pain? What if I totally mess it all up? What, then? Will it have been worth it?
Last night, part of our homework involved a simple idea. It asked us to list three different ways we could handle something we are involved in right now. Let me just tell you, this hit me hard. I wrote down what I thought I was already doing, realizing I wasn't doing it at all. I wrote down two other thoughts about how I could do this differently, then realized that my way really sucks. Really. The only way I can see this working is if God's hand is over it, blessing it. And, how can He do that for me when I can't seem to really allow Him control? How do I trust someone fully with something that I want so badly, knowing He might not answer the way I want Him to? Or, even crazier, answer in ways I cannot possibly comprehend or imagine right now?
This morning, I woke up 11 different times between 5:45 and 7:00. How do I know this? Because that is how many times I hit snooze and fell back asleep. And, almost every single time that stupid alarm went off, my brain asked me, "But, what if He does?" This silly thing came after me all night last night, and has been on my mind all morning. James 1:6-8 is such a vital part of our Christian journey. It hit me last night that in all of my worrying and wondering, I was really seriously doing myself a horrible thing. It says, "But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do." Let me just say, this felt like a punch to my stomach. I read it again today, and still feel so ashamed of myself.
You see, I do not see myself as someone with divided loyalty. I know without a doubt that regardless of my circumstances, I am gonna go to church. I am gonna serve God however He asks me to. I refuse to walk away from the One who has done so much for me. I'm going to lift my hands and worship despite the worries or struggles I face. But, I am seeing that when I can't ask, trust and believe, God doesn't see me with the same view. He sees me as being tossed in the wind, an unstable being, torn between His ways and mine. And, my friends, that is so not where I want to be. I want Him to know where my loyalty lies, that I know I can trust Him with my heart and my future. Funny thing is, my mind knows I can. Without a doubt. But, my heart just struggles with the fear of more pain, more loss. And, if I can post about it on a blog, I should seriously have no problems talking to God, who loves me regardless, about it. Baby steps... :)
I have a feeling this is only the first of many things that are going to be revealed to me in this study. I mean, this was only the first 8 verses! I cannot wait to dig in just a little more. I have a funny feeling this study is going to be world-shaking, life-changing for me. So thankful to be a part of it.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Words and Other Such Ponderings...
I have started this post about 12 times, as it is, this current post has been in the edit screen for far longer than I want to admit. I start it, and about halfway through, I decide it isn't worth the pain of writing it. I start it, and lose courage, afraid that people will read more into it than is really there. I start it, and realize someone will think I am writing this about them, and then erase it, not wanting to cause someone I love pain, especially when it isn't intended towards them. I begin to write, and then realize my words may cause anger or remorse, and don't want anyone to feel shame over their actions or past. But, here lies the truth. Words hurt. Words hurt when left unsaid. Words hurt when spoken. Words have such intense power. Words hold the power to communicate effectively. Words have the power to completely destroy someone. I recently read this passage of scripture and was immediately convicted: "It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech, we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. This is scary. You can tame a tiger, but you can't tame a tongue - it's never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues, we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth! My friends, this can't go on. A spring doesn't gush fresh water one day and brackish water the next, does it? Apple trees don't bear strawberries, do they? Raspberry bushes don't bear apples, do they? You're not going to dip into a polluted mud hole and get a cup of clear, cool water, are you?" ~ James 3:5-12 (The Message)
Let me just say, I read this at least four times before I felt even close to understanding what it was telling me. "Speak wisely, friend. Watch your tongue more closely than any other thing you ever do." It is so freeing to be so convicted and feel so incredibly forgiven at the same time. My brain immediately went into action, thinking, justifying, processing. It is something I forget, and I should be the last person on the face of this planet to forget the power of the tongue. And, in this delightful age of technology, this means our fingers, too. I am so incredibly guilty of having an emotion and posting it immediately on facebook. I get frustrated or hurt or confused, and pour my heart out to whoever might be on the other side of this screen reading. It is so easy to speak our minds in these days, making it even easier to cause irreparable damage to more people than I could ever imagine. I am going to say one more time, this post is NOT in regard to anyone that is reading it, but mainly the person writing it. It is just something I have felt compelled to write for months (really, since May or June!). It is part of my testimony, and is so vitally important not only to me, but each person that makes up the body of Christ. We are all working towards the same common goal, yet so easily want to get upset about the actions of another.
For many many years, I was built up by one person's words, then completely destroyed by them in the same exact sentence. When I was a teenager, I was a very confident person, though I was being raised in a church environment that didn't focus on a woman's confidence, putting me in a weird place. Not a bash, just an observation. As any other girl at 16 years old, I was ready for the fun of a boyfriend, dating and the like. Unfortunately, I was a very sheltered 16-year-old. I didn't understand that one's words could seem so amazing and yet be full of lies. I was swept off my feet, allowing myself to feel love and trust someone completely. I was naive. I will admit that. In many situations now, I find myself falling back into that same naivety. I want to believe the words people say, trust that they mean them, and know that they aren't being said to hurt me. This was the way I was raised. We spoke kindly to each other, even when we fought, I don't remember name-calling. Unless you call mustard-head an insult...
Anyway, over the period of the next ten years, I trusted the hurtful words of someone I loved as the truth and tried to view it as constructive criticism. I would take the words to heart, and work desperately to change myself to make their words less harsh towards me. After a while, I began to just know these negative words as truth, and believe them without any thought that they weren't accurate. I would accidentally drop something, causing it to shatter. I would think to myself that I was incapable of doing anything without ruining something else. I was told I was worthless, easily replaceable. I believed it. One person's words ignited my entire body, causing me to be consumed by this fire of self-doubt and hatred towards myself that eventually caused me to forget who I truly was. Most do not and will not understand how or why I believed this nonsense. Let me just say, looking back, I don't understand it either.
Over the last two years, I have had such an intense roller coaster ride. I had to fight to take my thoughts captive and remember I am not worthless, but a priceless treasure. Those words were just the lit match that was meant for harm. But, using hindsight now, I see that God is using my entire past for good. I can look back and see the damage words, thoughtless and intentional, can cause. And, then, I can look to the last 18-24 months of my life and see how the very same thing, words, were used to lift me up, causing those ashes to be turned into a beautiful testimony of God's healing and grace. I experienced a circumstance this week where someone jokingly told me how worthless or useless (I can't remember the exact word used) I was. The comment was a joke. I know it, as did everyone around me. It took me all night long to overcome the words. I am not angry about them now, but instead, I am thankful. Those words could have easily caused me to catapult backwards, into doubt, self-hatred, and complete belief that they were true. And, for one afternoon they did. Then, I remembered God doesn't make junk. God has plans for me that only I can fulfill. Plans no one can take away from me and do instead. That makes me instead, a rare find, and so valuable a price cannot be determined. I am not the same person I used to be. And, God is the only one that could have caused that, making me so thankful that I have learned to depend on him to define who I am, instead of those around me. His are the only thoughts toward me that are really important, and His thoughts towards me are as countless as the sand, so should I even care about that one time when so and so said...? Yeah, I am thinking not.
I am going to wrap up, but I really feel the urge to remind each of us. Be mindful of the words coming out of your mouth. Very rarely do we know every single detail of the lives around us. Very rarely do we know if our silly joke will tear them down. Guard your tongues. They cannot be and will not be tamed. Only one muscle in our body has the capability to ruin someone with one single breath. Instead, use your mouths for encouragement, forgiveness, love, so that you can one day look back and see people you have built up for God's glory. You never know your kind words will mean to a person.
As cheesy as this may sound, your very words may bring them out of a darkness so deep they can't see any light. Or, your words may plunge them into such horrible places, they begin to think they have no hope. Be careful. I have had two types of experiences in my life. And let me just say this, the experiences that haunt me now aren't the ones that left bruises. They are the ones that continue to echo through my brain, because a person's words have the ability to stick around a long time after they've been said. Proverbs 21:23 (The Message) says it like this, "Watch your words and hold your tongue; you'll save yourself a lot of grief." I really want to add to that, you will save everyone around you a lot of grief, too. Romans 14:19 encourages us with "So let's agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; don't drag them down by finding fault...."
I am so incredibly guilty of saying the first thing that comes to mind. I need to remember my own experiences and how words have had power in my life. When you get the opportunity, lift someone up. You never know what they are walking through.
Let me just say, I read this at least four times before I felt even close to understanding what it was telling me. "Speak wisely, friend. Watch your tongue more closely than any other thing you ever do." It is so freeing to be so convicted and feel so incredibly forgiven at the same time. My brain immediately went into action, thinking, justifying, processing. It is something I forget, and I should be the last person on the face of this planet to forget the power of the tongue. And, in this delightful age of technology, this means our fingers, too. I am so incredibly guilty of having an emotion and posting it immediately on facebook. I get frustrated or hurt or confused, and pour my heart out to whoever might be on the other side of this screen reading. It is so easy to speak our minds in these days, making it even easier to cause irreparable damage to more people than I could ever imagine. I am going to say one more time, this post is NOT in regard to anyone that is reading it, but mainly the person writing it. It is just something I have felt compelled to write for months (really, since May or June!). It is part of my testimony, and is so vitally important not only to me, but each person that makes up the body of Christ. We are all working towards the same common goal, yet so easily want to get upset about the actions of another.
For many many years, I was built up by one person's words, then completely destroyed by them in the same exact sentence. When I was a teenager, I was a very confident person, though I was being raised in a church environment that didn't focus on a woman's confidence, putting me in a weird place. Not a bash, just an observation. As any other girl at 16 years old, I was ready for the fun of a boyfriend, dating and the like. Unfortunately, I was a very sheltered 16-year-old. I didn't understand that one's words could seem so amazing and yet be full of lies. I was swept off my feet, allowing myself to feel love and trust someone completely. I was naive. I will admit that. In many situations now, I find myself falling back into that same naivety. I want to believe the words people say, trust that they mean them, and know that they aren't being said to hurt me. This was the way I was raised. We spoke kindly to each other, even when we fought, I don't remember name-calling. Unless you call mustard-head an insult...
Anyway, over the period of the next ten years, I trusted the hurtful words of someone I loved as the truth and tried to view it as constructive criticism. I would take the words to heart, and work desperately to change myself to make their words less harsh towards me. After a while, I began to just know these negative words as truth, and believe them without any thought that they weren't accurate. I would accidentally drop something, causing it to shatter. I would think to myself that I was incapable of doing anything without ruining something else. I was told I was worthless, easily replaceable. I believed it. One person's words ignited my entire body, causing me to be consumed by this fire of self-doubt and hatred towards myself that eventually caused me to forget who I truly was. Most do not and will not understand how or why I believed this nonsense. Let me just say, looking back, I don't understand it either.
Over the last two years, I have had such an intense roller coaster ride. I had to fight to take my thoughts captive and remember I am not worthless, but a priceless treasure. Those words were just the lit match that was meant for harm. But, using hindsight now, I see that God is using my entire past for good. I can look back and see the damage words, thoughtless and intentional, can cause. And, then, I can look to the last 18-24 months of my life and see how the very same thing, words, were used to lift me up, causing those ashes to be turned into a beautiful testimony of God's healing and grace. I experienced a circumstance this week where someone jokingly told me how worthless or useless (I can't remember the exact word used) I was. The comment was a joke. I know it, as did everyone around me. It took me all night long to overcome the words. I am not angry about them now, but instead, I am thankful. Those words could have easily caused me to catapult backwards, into doubt, self-hatred, and complete belief that they were true. And, for one afternoon they did. Then, I remembered God doesn't make junk. God has plans for me that only I can fulfill. Plans no one can take away from me and do instead. That makes me instead, a rare find, and so valuable a price cannot be determined. I am not the same person I used to be. And, God is the only one that could have caused that, making me so thankful that I have learned to depend on him to define who I am, instead of those around me. His are the only thoughts toward me that are really important, and His thoughts towards me are as countless as the sand, so should I even care about that one time when so and so said...? Yeah, I am thinking not.
I am going to wrap up, but I really feel the urge to remind each of us. Be mindful of the words coming out of your mouth. Very rarely do we know every single detail of the lives around us. Very rarely do we know if our silly joke will tear them down. Guard your tongues. They cannot be and will not be tamed. Only one muscle in our body has the capability to ruin someone with one single breath. Instead, use your mouths for encouragement, forgiveness, love, so that you can one day look back and see people you have built up for God's glory. You never know your kind words will mean to a person.
As cheesy as this may sound, your very words may bring them out of a darkness so deep they can't see any light. Or, your words may plunge them into such horrible places, they begin to think they have no hope. Be careful. I have had two types of experiences in my life. And let me just say this, the experiences that haunt me now aren't the ones that left bruises. They are the ones that continue to echo through my brain, because a person's words have the ability to stick around a long time after they've been said. Proverbs 21:23 (The Message) says it like this, "Watch your words and hold your tongue; you'll save yourself a lot of grief." I really want to add to that, you will save everyone around you a lot of grief, too. Romans 14:19 encourages us with "So let's agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; don't drag them down by finding fault...."
I am so incredibly guilty of saying the first thing that comes to mind. I need to remember my own experiences and how words have had power in my life. When you get the opportunity, lift someone up. You never know what they are walking through.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Gratitude
Gratitude. Appreciation. Thanks. Indebtedness. Recognition. None of it seems to sum up what I am feeling right now. I have this feeling like I just jumped out of an airplane. Or climbed to the top of Mt. Everest. Or ran a marathon. Or was given a million dollars. The list could go on...
Over the last several weeks, I have had a lot of reasons for introspection. I have passed some milestones, and have been working on some perfectly timed projects. I have been looking backwards over my past, and how it has led to my present. I have really fought with decisions, promises and failures. Not at all wishing I could re-do my past, but just paying close attention to things that have brought me to this particular place.
I have been working on something for a little while, and have been struggling with the topic. Not going to go into a lot of detail here right now, but within another week or so, I will share. Anyway, I was doubting my potential and the ways that God has changed and used me. Then, this morning, I received a phone call that was so sudden, so unexpected, that I just am sitting here, in complete disbelief. I get so blown away sometimes. And, it has really made me think.
I am being recognized for outstanding academic achievement at school. One beautiful day almost four years ago, I made a huge decision. I had been given a mission, and I was so uncertain that God was really telling me to do it. Step out of my comfort zone, walk into the unknown, and just do it. I enrolled in school, in the middle of a really bad situation. I remember thinking to myself that I had lost my mind. You see, I was battling so many outside influences. I was praying for miracles in my marriage, struggling with two kids pretty much on my own, and trying not to watch everything I loved and worked for go down the drain. So, you can imagine my confusion when God pushed me to go back to school. I went with the understanding I would complete a course and drop out. That was my bargain with God. I would do the work, but not put extra time or effort into it. If I passed with a decent grade, I would continue. When I realized I didn't have time, or the grade wasn't to my satisfaction, I knew I would quit. I passed that first class with a 99.8. Apparently, failure wasn't an option.
Within 3 months of my enrollment, my marriage took an intense spiral downward. Within another 2-3 months, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant, causing major doubt's of God's plans within me. Within a year of that, things had gotten enormously worse. My years of school have seen me struggle with a massively colicky child, the pregnancy and birth of a third child, watching a loved one spiral down into the pits of alcoholism, a rocky divorce, and recovery and healing from abuse and all the things that come with it. So, you see, when I look back at my years of school, I cannot even begin to explain how I have a 3.98 GPA. It isn't something my human brain can even begin to explain. I literally do not understand. For the first time in a long time, I am proud of a decision I made, and the success that is coming from it. I am so thankful, that even in the midst of turmoil, God's voice was heard and obeyed. Would it have been easier to ignore the prompting? Absolutely. Would I be where I am today? Absolutely not. I am finally beginning to understand the way God works. He will give me the steps for today, without revealing the overwhelming magnitude of where those steps will lead over time. Because, if I had known that I would endure pregnancy, alcoholism, divorce, single parenting, sleep deprivation, and recovery while still in school, I never would have obeyed.
I can't help but think about those nights, when I wanted to sleep more than anything else. When I just wanted my world to stop spinning around me, unsure of how to get through the day, then adding assignments that were overwhelming and due that night. I think about those times when I knew it would be easier to walk away than to walk this thing through. I think about those countless nights complaining about a horrible assignment or a difficult professor, or just the fact that I was tired of continuing on. And, most often, I think about every single person, sitting in the background, cheering me on, silently or publicly. I know people have said prayers for me. I know they have encouraged me, reminded me that I am doing something with this life. Lifting me up, carrying me through this. Speaking kindness and courage to me. Reminding me that I can do this, and will do this. I think about this unseen person giving me strength and courage and grace to get through this, and do so in such a way that no one could doubt it was God who was with me.
After a miserable professor/class last month, I began to seriously doubt the ability to finish school at all, even more, maintain the grades I have worked so hard for. I called a friend, as close to a panic attack as I have been in a long time. I didn't share this with them at the time, but I have never been so close to giving up and walking away in my life. And, to hear the words, "Give up. Throw away all your work, all the grant money, all the scholarship money." I remember the conversation continuing, reminding me of how hard I had worked, how amazing my grades were, but that it would be okay to throw it all away. I have such a love/hate relationship with sarcasm, reverse psychology, however you want to put it. The words hurt. But not in the ways like a burn or a broken arm, more like in the ways a rosebush is cut back to its core to produce more blooms and strength. Obviously, I continued on. The strong-willed attitude within me rose up again. I didn't throw in the towel, I gave it all I had. And got the highest grade in the class. Those words have echoed in my mind every single struggle with school since. I have worked way too hard to walk away now. I hope the person that helped me through that night is reading, and can understand those words were exactly what I needed. I would've given up if not for them. While they didn't feel like God at the time, I am fairly confident God used this person for the positive effects those words would have on me now.
So, today, when my school called, the woman on the other end said, "You are an academically outstanding student. Our files show you are a single parent, and that you have a 3.98 GPA. You are in the top 15 of your graduating class, and have been almost your entire academic season. Keep it up and congratulations!" And, I sit back, in awe of the most amazing journey and the most amazing friends. I know at some point, I am going to look back at this journey and say, "Wow, there is no way I would've ever achieved any of this in my own strength. God has been here the whole time." I already see it, and seriously cannot wait to see what else is coming.
So, those days when you have seen me, happy, down, struggling, succeeding, whatever, and lifted me up, I want to thank each of you from the bottom of my heart. Those days you have made a point to encourage me, I needed it. I never would have thought at the beginning of this that I would come out of it where I am now. And, then to look forward to graduation, I can't wait to see where I am then. Walking across that stage is easily within reach now. I just have to keep my chin up and keep moving. Never could I have imagined the plans God had (and continues to have) for my life.
Over the last several weeks, I have had a lot of reasons for introspection. I have passed some milestones, and have been working on some perfectly timed projects. I have been looking backwards over my past, and how it has led to my present. I have really fought with decisions, promises and failures. Not at all wishing I could re-do my past, but just paying close attention to things that have brought me to this particular place.
I have been working on something for a little while, and have been struggling with the topic. Not going to go into a lot of detail here right now, but within another week or so, I will share. Anyway, I was doubting my potential and the ways that God has changed and used me. Then, this morning, I received a phone call that was so sudden, so unexpected, that I just am sitting here, in complete disbelief. I get so blown away sometimes. And, it has really made me think.
I am being recognized for outstanding academic achievement at school. One beautiful day almost four years ago, I made a huge decision. I had been given a mission, and I was so uncertain that God was really telling me to do it. Step out of my comfort zone, walk into the unknown, and just do it. I enrolled in school, in the middle of a really bad situation. I remember thinking to myself that I had lost my mind. You see, I was battling so many outside influences. I was praying for miracles in my marriage, struggling with two kids pretty much on my own, and trying not to watch everything I loved and worked for go down the drain. So, you can imagine my confusion when God pushed me to go back to school. I went with the understanding I would complete a course and drop out. That was my bargain with God. I would do the work, but not put extra time or effort into it. If I passed with a decent grade, I would continue. When I realized I didn't have time, or the grade wasn't to my satisfaction, I knew I would quit. I passed that first class with a 99.8. Apparently, failure wasn't an option.
Within 3 months of my enrollment, my marriage took an intense spiral downward. Within another 2-3 months, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant, causing major doubt's of God's plans within me. Within a year of that, things had gotten enormously worse. My years of school have seen me struggle with a massively colicky child, the pregnancy and birth of a third child, watching a loved one spiral down into the pits of alcoholism, a rocky divorce, and recovery and healing from abuse and all the things that come with it. So, you see, when I look back at my years of school, I cannot even begin to explain how I have a 3.98 GPA. It isn't something my human brain can even begin to explain. I literally do not understand. For the first time in a long time, I am proud of a decision I made, and the success that is coming from it. I am so thankful, that even in the midst of turmoil, God's voice was heard and obeyed. Would it have been easier to ignore the prompting? Absolutely. Would I be where I am today? Absolutely not. I am finally beginning to understand the way God works. He will give me the steps for today, without revealing the overwhelming magnitude of where those steps will lead over time. Because, if I had known that I would endure pregnancy, alcoholism, divorce, single parenting, sleep deprivation, and recovery while still in school, I never would have obeyed.
I can't help but think about those nights, when I wanted to sleep more than anything else. When I just wanted my world to stop spinning around me, unsure of how to get through the day, then adding assignments that were overwhelming and due that night. I think about those times when I knew it would be easier to walk away than to walk this thing through. I think about those countless nights complaining about a horrible assignment or a difficult professor, or just the fact that I was tired of continuing on. And, most often, I think about every single person, sitting in the background, cheering me on, silently or publicly. I know people have said prayers for me. I know they have encouraged me, reminded me that I am doing something with this life. Lifting me up, carrying me through this. Speaking kindness and courage to me. Reminding me that I can do this, and will do this. I think about this unseen person giving me strength and courage and grace to get through this, and do so in such a way that no one could doubt it was God who was with me.
After a miserable professor/class last month, I began to seriously doubt the ability to finish school at all, even more, maintain the grades I have worked so hard for. I called a friend, as close to a panic attack as I have been in a long time. I didn't share this with them at the time, but I have never been so close to giving up and walking away in my life. And, to hear the words, "Give up. Throw away all your work, all the grant money, all the scholarship money." I remember the conversation continuing, reminding me of how hard I had worked, how amazing my grades were, but that it would be okay to throw it all away. I have such a love/hate relationship with sarcasm, reverse psychology, however you want to put it. The words hurt. But not in the ways like a burn or a broken arm, more like in the ways a rosebush is cut back to its core to produce more blooms and strength. Obviously, I continued on. The strong-willed attitude within me rose up again. I didn't throw in the towel, I gave it all I had. And got the highest grade in the class. Those words have echoed in my mind every single struggle with school since. I have worked way too hard to walk away now. I hope the person that helped me through that night is reading, and can understand those words were exactly what I needed. I would've given up if not for them. While they didn't feel like God at the time, I am fairly confident God used this person for the positive effects those words would have on me now.
So, today, when my school called, the woman on the other end said, "You are an academically outstanding student. Our files show you are a single parent, and that you have a 3.98 GPA. You are in the top 15 of your graduating class, and have been almost your entire academic season. Keep it up and congratulations!" And, I sit back, in awe of the most amazing journey and the most amazing friends. I know at some point, I am going to look back at this journey and say, "Wow, there is no way I would've ever achieved any of this in my own strength. God has been here the whole time." I already see it, and seriously cannot wait to see what else is coming.
So, those days when you have seen me, happy, down, struggling, succeeding, whatever, and lifted me up, I want to thank each of you from the bottom of my heart. Those days you have made a point to encourage me, I needed it. I never would have thought at the beginning of this that I would come out of it where I am now. And, then to look forward to graduation, I can't wait to see where I am then. Walking across that stage is easily within reach now. I just have to keep my chin up and keep moving. Never could I have imagined the plans God had (and continues to have) for my life.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Nothing
Have you ever watched one of those TV sitcoms where the husband asks the wife, "Honey, what's wrong?" And she replies, "Nothing. I'm fine." Except that she isn't fine, doesn't feel like talking about it, and is trying to pretend if the facts are ignored long enough, they will just go away?
Yeah, that is pretty much the way I feel. Minus the conversation. Haha, and the husband. Okay, and the TV show. Whew. That leaves me with just nothing. And, well, we all know that a woman says nothing, nothing isn't entirely accurate. :)
And, now that I am totally confused and laughing, I don't feel much like writing. Hoping to be able to force myself out of this state of mind soon, and share what is on my heart and going through my head. For tonight, though, I'm just gonna keep pretending it's all good...
Yeah, that is pretty much the way I feel. Minus the conversation. Haha, and the husband. Okay, and the TV show. Whew. That leaves me with just nothing. And, well, we all know that a woman says nothing, nothing isn't entirely accurate. :)
And, now that I am totally confused and laughing, I don't feel much like writing. Hoping to be able to force myself out of this state of mind soon, and share what is on my heart and going through my head. For tonight, though, I'm just gonna keep pretending it's all good...
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