Monday, June 10, 2013

When God Doesn't Feel Like Enough

There are times in your life that you know God is just right there, walking beside you, holding your hand.  Life is good.  Life is calm.  Life is easy.  It is in those times that it is so simple to say, "God is enough."  I have a little reminder on a neon green index card.  It says, "Note to self: I am enough."  I have learned that regardless of what I am going through, God is still with me, and because He is with me, I can be enough.  When I am not enough, He will cover me, and whatever the situation holds, what I can do mixed with what He can do will always be enough.

Lately, I have found myself asking God, "God, are you seriously enough?  Do you seriously hear me?  Are you doing anything at all about this?"  The crazy part is, I am asking Him that question with just about every circumstance in my life.  I graduate in October (thank God!!!!), but the pressures of the last five classes are weighing on me.  I have some school related issues I can't see through to the other side.  I have three little girls needing Momma for the summer, and I just don't hardly have it in me.  I have family and friends in the midst of insane battles.  I am in the midst of an insane battle.  I doubt, I worry, I wonder if maybe I didn't hear God after all.  And, in the midst of it all, I find myself doubting that God is enough. 

This last weekend has been difficult.  I have been watching more than one person in my life walk through intense struggles, one of which is an abusive situation.  Last night, I lay in my warm bed, wondering what the girls were up to, where they were, and again, praying safety and happiness over them.  My heart was heavy, and sad, I'm not even going to lie.  And that silly question reared its head again.  "God, are you enough for me?  Can you take each of these difficulties and really make good come from them?"  

It was then that I remembered nights as a young girl, distanced from my family, too afraid to even pray to God, because of the hurt I had caused so many.  Knowing that God probably didn't love me, I would never be good enough, and the only out was alcohol and a really wild life.  Seventeen years old, partying, drunk and scared.  I didn't know it then, but God was enough.  He never left me, and no harm came to me. 

It was then that I remembered those nights as a pregnant Momma, overwhelmed with the fact that I was going to bring a little girl into the world, not even knowing whether or not I was really safe.  Could he really do the things he says he is going to was a question I asked myself a few times each day.  Terrified to have this baby, terrified to leave her father, terrified about everything and knowing I was hopeless.  God covered me even when I couldn't think to ask Him to.  He was enough.

It was then that I remembered a night where I thought I was going to lose my life, wondering how my little girl would make it without her Momma.  It was that long night that I remember praying God would just let me live, so I could get out.  And, somehow, God was enough. 

It was then that I remember the nights wondering where this man that told me I was dead to him was, what he was planning, and if he really would come back and kill me like he promised.  Too afraid to ask for God to protect me, knowing it was easier to just go back to that place, so that I didn't have to worry about it anymore.  You see, even in our stupidity, God is enough.

It was then that I started to remember the nights as a young Momma of two little girls, trying to attend church, volunteer when I could, and still cope with a colicky infant who cried all the time.  It was in those nights that I didn't think I could do it.  It was those nights that I wished he had killed me.  And even then, God was enough.

Then, those days and nights that I realized I had three little mouths to feed and not a single penny to feed them with.  Pride didn't allow me to ask for help.  Finding food when I knew there was none, knowing without a doubt that God filled our bellies those nights.  God was still enough.

It was then that I started to remember nights that I was afraid of the drunken monster in the bed next to me.  I remembered rolling over and praying over him, that his demons would just leave him alone.  God was enough in those nights.  As a matter of fact, God was all I had. 

I remember that night God spoke to me, opening my heart more fully to Him, giving me strength for the battle that was coming.  God was enough.

Then those first nights after I was released from my marriage, knowing the lies poured over me were all I had.  Wondering how in the world God was going to be enough for me, yet somehow proving to me He was more than able, more than enough. 

I remember those nights, not so long ago, wondering if I could really be a single parent to these three girls, full time college student, and working Momma all at the same time.  I remember those times God placed people specifically in my path, just so that I could do all of these things.  Time after time, God has shown me he is enough.  Why is it so hard to believe He will be enough even now?

Last night, in the midst of frustration, pain, questioning and remembering all those times, God spoke a little something to me.  You see, when I asked if He was enough, He replied," Yes, Cil, I am.  I am enough because I am the I am." 

It hit me like a million bricks.  He not only is enough, He has enough.  He has enough power.  He has enough victory.  He has enough redemption.  He has enough provision.  He has enough protection.  He has enough future.  He has enough of every single thing I need to get through all of what I am fighting today.  I know the walk isn't easy.  I am not going to say I am not a little frustrated my timing isn't His.  I am not about to say that I have it all together, or that I am not going to complain.  But, I am going to remind myself, He was enough all those other times.  How could He not be enough now?