Wednesday, May 2, 2012

I've Picked You....

Jessie Paige 
When I sit back and think, my thoughts often get the best of me.  Instead of remembering all of the incredible blessings, it is often easy for me to get overwhelmed with the responsibilities mommy-hood has brought me.  I often long for more than what is right around me, anxious for the future. It is incredibly easy to fall into the glass-half-empty (or completely bone-dry) mentality.  I feel so pulled in so many different directions, without much time to just stop, sit back and not have to think about anything.  In my study time, I have read repeatedly, "Be still."  For anyone that knows me, being still or calm or quiet is not my strong suit.  Neither is waiting.  And yet, "Be still.  Just wait." 

Cassie Rae
As if the last several posts haven't made it obvious, I have been seriously struggling with my past over the last few weeks. I have allowed doom and gloom to reign over me, and why?  I couldn't quite put my finger on why it seemed so hard the last few weeks.  After spending some time really trying to determine what was going on, I realized I had put a time limit on God and what he could and would do and when he was going to do it.  That time limit had come and gone with nothing, not even a small glimpse.  So, instead of rejoicing in the fact I had survived the time limit, and survived it insanely well, I despaired, thinking God surely must have given up on me, and I really wasn't what I thought his word says I was.  I had made up my mind that God could give me my wildest hopes and dreams, but that probably isn't His plan for my life, so I needed to just give it up.  I started praying instead for what I really wanted, for God to just change my heart - all because it would be easier than this path of uncertain future I am standing on today.  

Sara B
After a long chat with a friend last night, I gave in once more to tears of total frustration.  It has become so easy to do.  And, sitting there, praying, struggling, really trying to figure out what in the world was going on with me, I realized.  God still has this.  If I were supposed to know exactly what was going on, I would.  I have often used the first verses in Isaiah 43 as my go to place when I am struggling with who I am in Christ.  My Message Bible puts it this way: "Don't be afraid.  I've redeemed you.  I've called your name.  You're mine.  When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.  When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.  When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end - Because I am your God, your personal God.  The Holy of Israel, your Savior.  I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!  That's how much you mean to me!  That's how much I love you!  I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade creation just for you."  I allow myself to really meditate on God trading all of creation just to have me.  Went to look for this motivation and encouragement this morning, and was on the wrong page.  Didn't realize it, and instead was given this, "You're my servant, serving on my side.  I've picked you.  I haven't dropped you.  Don't panic.  I'm with you.  There's no need to fear, for I am your God.  I'll give you strength.  I'll help you.  I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you."  The three words that stood out?  I've picked you.  As I sit here, in complete confusion, I have to just know He picked me.  He has this plan to take care of me, and not abandon me, with plans to give me the future I hope for.  He has made me for a purpose.

I had a moment of complete humiliation last week, and have struggled with it since.  I have beat myself up because of things I could have done differently, things I could have said, wishing I had the nerve for a confrontation to really get the things off my chest that I want to.  I have prayed for wisdom, as well as the ability to put it behind me and forget all about it.  Then, something new popped up.  At this point, I am so incredibly ticked off at myself for not just being the forgiving person I am.  I felt walked on and hurt.  Again, I didn't understand how I was supposed to be gaining strength from opposition.  I looked at all of the events with a glass so dry, it was growing brittle and on the verge of shattering to a million pieces.  And yet, my God reminded me this morning, I might be on the verge of shattering, but he hasn't dropped me, and he isn't going to let me fall.  I sit safely in the palm of his hand.  Anything that crosses my path is because He placed it there.

While I can't honestly say I feel like my glass is completely full and overflowing this morning, I can say I know it isn't going to break.  It is definitely half full.  I have so much.  God isn't telling me I won't ever have the things I want, He is just telling me they won't happen this second.  I can't see past this moment.  I am trusting that He has it all figured out, I just have to let Him show me the way.  So, instead of worrying about the when and where, I am going to force myself to just be thankful for the here and now.  And there is much to be thankful for. 

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