Thursday, March 8, 2012


This last weekend we had a little bit of a scare that really has caused me to think twice about so many silly little things.  The two little girls are currently sharing a room, so they also share the bedroom furnishings.  They were sent in to get some things out of their dresser.  Jessie is in a very independent stage and wants to do everything all by herself.  Cass got her stuff, then Jess got hers.  The dresser is old (I will clarify it is old for a dresser.  Not old for a person.) and a little unstable.  It ended up on top of Jessie.  The TV that has always sat on top of it ended up about 2 1/2 inches from her head.  She had some nasty marks, her arm was pinched in the drawer, and I felt the urgent need to have it x-rayed.  It looked bad, and had me slightly worried. 

On the way to urgent care, the reality of what had just happened hit me.  There is a blog I read every once in a while that lost their son to this exact thing.  Their dresser and TV fell on top of him.  He was killed.  He was also the same age as Jessica.  I have never felt such incredible gratitude before in my life.  I have always been so thankful the girls are in my life.  Being a mom in any circumstance can be difficult, but I have never wished they weren't around.  This reality check blew my mind.  In all reality, my daughter could have been seriously injured.  She could have had broken ribs, legs, or worse.  Instead, she had a possible fracture on her left arm.  The doctor said she
was almost 100% sure it was fine, but sent it to a pediatric radiologist to be sure. 

In the last year, I found a Christian song that talks about God holding my world in His hands.  While it has always moved me, it has taken on a new meaning the last few months.  I have found it so reassuring to close my eyes and imagine those things that are so incredibly important to me just sitting there in the palm of God's hands.  The peace I get from realizing it isn't just an imaginary scenario is unreal.  This incident from last weekend made me really realize how close God is to me and my girls.  He will never leave us or forsake us.  He is our constant help.  He held me little girl in His hands and protected her from harm this last weekend. 

I have realized in the last 6 months how different my life could be.  I have experienced a new level of gratitude for the girls in my life.  Last Saturday when I realized how quickly my life could have really seriously changed has just really thrown me.  I am so thankful for God's covering over us.  I would love to say I will never have a weak moment, or that I will never experience trauma or pain again, but I know this isn't true.  However, I am so thankful that I know God will be there, regardless of how big or how small.  I want to be able to think that I won't let the girls frustrate me, wear me down, or make me angry.  That isn't realistic, because I am human.  But, to know that even in my weakness or inability to be in four places at once, God's got my back.  :)

Monday, March 5, 2012


I have seriously been trying to write this post for almost a month.  I have struggled with getting it started.  Where to start, what to say.  At some point, my whole story will be out here, but I think for now, it is gonna stay right where it is at. So many things have changed, and yet it has all remained the same.  Kinda strange, but I am totally embracing it.

I love words and their meanings.  So, here goes...  Freedom is defined as the state of being free or at liberty, rather than in confinement or under physical restraint.  I think the state of confinement or restraint can be emotional or mental, too.  I left a difficult situation last year, and felt like I had been removed from it, but didn't allow myself to actually experience real freedom from the situation until recently.  I didn't even realize that I was being so constrained by the things of my past.  I thought I had put it behind me, attempting to pick up the pieces, work the puzzle and put myself back together.  I wanted to write this post almost three weeks ago, but felt so silly writing it.  Now, I realize I wanted to wait and see if freedom was real, and if it really lasted.  Let me just say this, this kind of freedom is real.  It is lasting, and anyone can have it. 

The last year was an entirely emotional year.  Too emotional for my liking.  For the last year, I have carried around so much anger, resentment, bitterness, hatred and self-destructive behavior around, and honestly, felt completely justified in doing it.  I had no shame in my emotions.  If you asked me, I would tell you.  I believed I had the right to be angry; I had been hurt.  I had the right to be resentful; I felt as though I had been left with nothing.  I felt bitterness, not towards the person you might suspect, either, but towards God because He did not do what I wanted Him to do.  All of these emotions I thought were okay, because I had gone through so much in what seemed like such little time.  I realized I was wrong.  And, for my family that might be reading this, you have it in writing - I was wrong.  Enjoy it, it might not ever happen again.  ;)  Anyway, my whole basis for feeling that way was so not God.  It was purely Cil. 

On top of my emotions, I had been allowing myself to feel sad and lonely, because how many moms with three kids have no spouse, no companion, no one to come home to?  (By the way, more than I realized, but...)  Lots of pity partying, that is for sure.  I have had this non-stop desire for a Godly man to just love me and the girls.  I mean, really love us.  The hole it was leaving in me was just about as destructive as my negativity.  I spent more time being bummed about being alone than realizing the things God was trying to do in me, the hope He was trying to pour into me.  I kept praying for the desire to just go away.  I felt like it was obvious God wasn't going to answer my prayer, so at least take the longing away.  It is so funny, what happens when you stop praying selfishly.  No, I am not about to say I met Prince Charming.  I didn't.  What I am going to say is I was wrong about all of that, too.  God has filled up my lonely heart.  He patched up all the holes, sewed the rips together and made it whole.  The aching is gone.  That doesn't mean those things He promised me so long ago won't happen, or aren't happening, I just realized the desire I have needs to be there for now, but the anguish, loneliness and longing for something immediately is totally wrong.  The sadness, loneliness and bitterness don't need to be there, regardless of how long this road may be.

For me, freedom used to mean being free from something.  I realize now it is so different.  Freedom is so much more.  It is letting go of things that I can't change and can't control.  It is not forgetting all the bad things that happened, but seeing what God was doing for me in those times, instead.  Freedom is walking this journey out and just knowing that God has this entire situation in His hands.  He is bigger, better and stronger than anything I can face.  I kept thinking that this feeling of freedom was not real, and I was just pretending to feel better.  The amazing part is, this is real.  I don't just think I feel better, I really am infinitely better. 

Today, I am really thankful for people.  My pastor spoke last week about dream killers.  He said people are the biggest reason dreams are destroyed, broken down and ripped apart.  He is right.  However, people can be really amazing.  I am so thankful that God has placed specific people in exact places of my life.  Today has been a difficult day.  Not really questioning if I am on the right path, because I have total peace that I am, but just wishing things had ended differently.  I was allowing my mind to mess with me, and it was frustrating.  I had two amazing ladies remind me of where I have been and where God has taken me today, without either of them knowing how I was feeling.  I am really happy today.  It is so fulfilling to realize I can be happy where I am, even when things aren't exactly where I want them.