So many days it feels so easy to get lost in the craziness of life. I have felt the Lord speak the word "dependence" and "trust" over me for what must be months now. And, in so many ways, I view that dependence as strength, in others a sign of weakness. To me, trust is saying that I am not good enough to depend on myself. Today, I am just gonna say, I am so thankful for a God that allows me to depend fully on His strength when I am tired, weary, sad and stressed. That I don't trust because I am out of options, but that I choose to trust because that is God's desire for me. To lay down my own concerns, stressors, and needs to fully trust and embrace a plan and direction that I can't see completely just yet.
What has impressed me today is the peace that falls when we finally let go enough to truly let God take our problems as His. So many new journeys are starting for the girls and I, and not one of them is going to be an easy journey. Sweet Jess started kindergarten full time this last week. While she has done well, her innocent tears running down her cheeks getting on the bus break my heart. She is fine once she gets to school, but trusting Momma to keep her safe and educated has been hard on her. She cries. She is tired. She just doesn't want to go.
In those moments, it is hard for me to see the similarity of her journey and my own right now. Lots of twists and turns in the road lately, and I have been required to just trust God for the way I am supposed to go. None of it makes sense. None of it. My heart was sad (and a little excited, too), and the emotions seem to leak out of my eyes, too.
I am not broken. My life is not ending. It just isn't going where I thought it would be, like I thought it would. But those words... Depend on Me. Trust in Me. How do you ignore them? How do you embrace them?
Proverbs 3:3-5 has been my anchor the last two weeks. "Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give Him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over. But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline; don't sulk under his loving correction. It's the child he loves that God corrects; a father's delight is behind all this."
While I know God is not up in heaven dancing with joy that I am walking through trials and difficult spots, I do know He is delighting in what these trials are going to create in me, in my life. I know He is delighting that His plans and purposes for me are in the process of being fulfilled. The next year of my life is going to be tough. But, what I am realizing in these days, life is tough anyway. God is still tougher, and though I am a little afraid, He is the God of peace. It will all work itself out.