Monday, March 5, 2012


I have seriously been trying to write this post for almost a month.  I have struggled with getting it started.  Where to start, what to say.  At some point, my whole story will be out here, but I think for now, it is gonna stay right where it is at. So many things have changed, and yet it has all remained the same.  Kinda strange, but I am totally embracing it.

I love words and their meanings.  So, here goes...  Freedom is defined as the state of being free or at liberty, rather than in confinement or under physical restraint.  I think the state of confinement or restraint can be emotional or mental, too.  I left a difficult situation last year, and felt like I had been removed from it, but didn't allow myself to actually experience real freedom from the situation until recently.  I didn't even realize that I was being so constrained by the things of my past.  I thought I had put it behind me, attempting to pick up the pieces, work the puzzle and put myself back together.  I wanted to write this post almost three weeks ago, but felt so silly writing it.  Now, I realize I wanted to wait and see if freedom was real, and if it really lasted.  Let me just say this, this kind of freedom is real.  It is lasting, and anyone can have it. 

The last year was an entirely emotional year.  Too emotional for my liking.  For the last year, I have carried around so much anger, resentment, bitterness, hatred and self-destructive behavior around, and honestly, felt completely justified in doing it.  I had no shame in my emotions.  If you asked me, I would tell you.  I believed I had the right to be angry; I had been hurt.  I had the right to be resentful; I felt as though I had been left with nothing.  I felt bitterness, not towards the person you might suspect, either, but towards God because He did not do what I wanted Him to do.  All of these emotions I thought were okay, because I had gone through so much in what seemed like such little time.  I realized I was wrong.  And, for my family that might be reading this, you have it in writing - I was wrong.  Enjoy it, it might not ever happen again.  ;)  Anyway, my whole basis for feeling that way was so not God.  It was purely Cil. 

On top of my emotions, I had been allowing myself to feel sad and lonely, because how many moms with three kids have no spouse, no companion, no one to come home to?  (By the way, more than I realized, but...)  Lots of pity partying, that is for sure.  I have had this non-stop desire for a Godly man to just love me and the girls.  I mean, really love us.  The hole it was leaving in me was just about as destructive as my negativity.  I spent more time being bummed about being alone than realizing the things God was trying to do in me, the hope He was trying to pour into me.  I kept praying for the desire to just go away.  I felt like it was obvious God wasn't going to answer my prayer, so at least take the longing away.  It is so funny, what happens when you stop praying selfishly.  No, I am not about to say I met Prince Charming.  I didn't.  What I am going to say is I was wrong about all of that, too.  God has filled up my lonely heart.  He patched up all the holes, sewed the rips together and made it whole.  The aching is gone.  That doesn't mean those things He promised me so long ago won't happen, or aren't happening, I just realized the desire I have needs to be there for now, but the anguish, loneliness and longing for something immediately is totally wrong.  The sadness, loneliness and bitterness don't need to be there, regardless of how long this road may be.

For me, freedom used to mean being free from something.  I realize now it is so different.  Freedom is so much more.  It is letting go of things that I can't change and can't control.  It is not forgetting all the bad things that happened, but seeing what God was doing for me in those times, instead.  Freedom is walking this journey out and just knowing that God has this entire situation in His hands.  He is bigger, better and stronger than anything I can face.  I kept thinking that this feeling of freedom was not real, and I was just pretending to feel better.  The amazing part is, this is real.  I don't just think I feel better, I really am infinitely better. 

Today, I am really thankful for people.  My pastor spoke last week about dream killers.  He said people are the biggest reason dreams are destroyed, broken down and ripped apart.  He is right.  However, people can be really amazing.  I am so thankful that God has placed specific people in exact places of my life.  Today has been a difficult day.  Not really questioning if I am on the right path, because I have total peace that I am, but just wishing things had ended differently.  I was allowing my mind to mess with me, and it was frustrating.  I had two amazing ladies remind me of where I have been and where God has taken me today, without either of them knowing how I was feeling.  I am really happy today.  It is so fulfilling to realize I can be happy where I am, even when things aren't exactly where I want them.


  1. Thanks for sharing your heart, CIL. You are an amazing girl and I love hearing your story, of hope and of freedom. How God has taken your pain and used it to bring strength is only HIM. Loving you!!! Shelayne

  2. Thanks, Shelayne! I feel the same way. Can't wait to finish the email I have started to you. It is taking me longer than I wanted, but I want it right. :) I am really excited about where I am going and what my future is looking like!