Monday, May 14, 2012

The Woes and Wonder of Why

The girls have been so crazy lately!  It seems like every time I stop to catch my breath, they find something else to do, get into, or spill.  I am a little tired.  I have stopped and started several different posts, but I really struggled with them, and at that point, the post is no longer worth it to me.  Anyway, I have discovered the girls have their own little ways of communicating with each other.  Communication should be considered a blessing.  However, sometimes it can be yelling through tears, spoken through incredibly bossy tones (do I really sound like that?!?), or said with the most ooey-gooey love.  Their levels of communication are best left between them.  While it can drive my insane sometimes, today I have heard little snippets of conversations that just make me laugh every time I replay them in my head. 

Cassidy today was quite sad.  We were sitting in the car rider line, waiting to pick up Sara.  We had a really long wait today, as I left early to run an errand, only to realize I hadn't allowed quite enough time.  Anyway, she was talking to Jess, getting almost mad at her, because she kept copying everything Cassie said.  I was giggling, because Jess can be such a pill sometimes.  I love seeing it.  Probably the little sister in me, laughing at the big sister's misfortune...  Anyway, Cassie asked me to make her quit.  When I explained that Jessie just wanted to be just like her, Cassie got even more upset.  Being female, I should seriously understand more about female emotions.  Apparently, I do not know it all.  When I told Cassie that Jessie just loved her because she was the best big sister ever, she started crying.  Crying.  Way to go, Mom.  Trying to encourage, motivate, uplift, and I reduce the kid to tears.  Finally, I asked her what was up.  She told me, I can't ever be the best big sister, because the best big sister ever is Sara.  I didn't even have words.  The thoughts that went through my mind were not the best mommy thoughts.  I was pretty frustrated.  Frustrated that this saddened Cassie so much, frustrated that Sara doesn't really prefer to spend time with Cassie, and yet, this little girl still adores her, and frustrated that I couldn't even tell her my real thoughts on the best big sister ever (in my house, that award goes to...  yeah, not gonna go there).  Needless to say, I changed the subject to how lucky we were to be so close to the front of the line.  It worked.  Once again, saved by the squirrel... : )

Jessica has finally mastered the art of conversation.  She totally understands to keep any conversation going, you must ask direct questions.  Her favorite: Why?  Talk about making me want to rip my hair out!  Anything you say or ask is answered with, "Why?"  This has been going on for about three and a half weeks.  I am hoping we are close to the end.  I tried giving her real answers.  I tried ignoring the question (BIG mistake as it only made her repeat the question with much more intensity).  I have finally resorted to answering her with, "Because, Jess."  So, today, she asks me, "Why, Momma?"  She paused for about a half second, touches my face to look at my eyes, and answers herself, "Because?"  I just about died laughing.  I think I need to start her therapy fund now.  Poor girl will struggle with that question for the rest of eternity.  God so knew what he was sending me when He trusted me with her.  Precious, precious girl. 

As normally happens when I write, I just had the most crazy thought.  We, as in all of us as human beings, have probably experienced something undesirable in our lives.  I know I have asked God this one very simple question about 8,000 times over the last several years.  This thing happens, I always say, "Why, God?  Why now?  Why at all? WHY????"  Speaking about myself, and not necessarily whoever is on the other side of this post reading, anything that I come across that causes my faith to waiver, my stability to crumble, or my doubts to emerge always gets that exact same response, "Why?!"  I get so frustrated with not understanding.  I find myself constantly praying, "Lord, I totally trust you to guide my path.  I trust You have this situation (or that one, or that other one over there...).  Just help me to understand why."  I don't usually get an answer when I think I should.  While I am getting better with sitting back and just resting, I still find myself asking, "WHY????"  more often that I would really like to admit.  His word clearly tells us in Isaiah 55, "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord.  "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.  For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." 

Don't think I will be answering Jess with "My thoughts are nothing like yours..."  But, this comparison really is giving me some insight as to how frustrated He must get (well, I am sure His parenting skills are far better than mine, so He probably doesn't) with me and my constant need to know why.  I have no problem accepting the answer, the circumstance, the occasional setback, the trial, the valleys, the mountain tops.  I do struggle with just wanting to know why right away.  I know God will give me the strength I need to achieve whatever He allows to cross my paths.  He is an incredibly giving God.  I guess we all (okay, I really mean I) just need to sit back and quit asking that horrible, frustrating, annoying question, and remember that my answer is probably pretty close to His.  Just because, Cil.  Just because. 

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