Thursday, May 24, 2012

Looking Back

Oh my goodness!  I have been reading back through my posts over the last few months and am amazed at the things that God is doing, just in the span of 4 short months.  It feels like forever that I typed this post.  I am so totally comforted by the ability to pour all of my feelings out there, however, I am so thankful my perspective has changed so drastically.  A friend of mine recommended I read a book called "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers.  What an amazing blessing that book was.  The message I got overall was that God loves me, regardless, and that no physical man could ever fill up the void I was feeling that night (or any other night, for that matter).  The book was a little more than I was ready for, but it gave me such overwhelming hope.  I know that at times we all feel some sort of desperation and loneliness.  My married friends have convinced me that even in a solid marriage, it happens sometimes. 

I have realized that when I walk down a path God has directed, nothing else matters.  Seriously nothing else.  My timing is completely unimportant.  To God, my timing does not matter.  Side note: I run.  I like the feel of pavement meeting my feet, breeze blowing in my sweaty face, and knowing I can do what I set my mind to do.  I especially like starting the clock and seeing if I can beat my previous time.  I want to compete against myself and see if I can get farther, faster.  Anyway, this realization is big for me.  My timing repeatedly fails.  I get discouraged when my time or distance doesn't meet up with my expectations.  The thought hit me tonight when scrolling back through that God's timing is flawless.  It isn't like me running, trying to finish faster.  He doesn't have a stopwatch, seeing how fast I can run across the finish line.  He just wants me to keep moving, at His pace, in His strength.  He wants full dependence, not Cil with her clock, trying to speed up the process.  It is so nice to just sit back and realize the run He has planned for me is not the same as the run I had tonight.  The race I am in is long, hard, and the victory has already been won.  In order to press on, I have to let go of the past, let go of my expectations, and just do it.  I am so glad that I can sit back and rest for God's promises to come forth, to show up when I am most ready to receive them.  I want the best of what He has planned, not just part.  And, if that means wait, I will gladly wait.  He knows just what I need and even knows just when I am going to see it happen.  :)

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