Sunday, January 13, 2013

Questions Unanswered

I have been really impressed with God and how amazingly huge he is the last few days.  It is so strange that when you really try and discover who God is and what He is capable of, you can't help but trust.  I feel like my life is at this crossroads lately.  It isn't really a crossroads, more of a turning point maybe.  I have been fighting off feelings of unimportance and inadequacy the last few weeks and I am realizing I am either going to allow those feelings to determine my steps, or I can fight them off and remind myself constantly who I am and what I am doing, and that inadequate and unimportant is NOT who God called me to be. 

I firmly believe my feelings do not come from God, nor are they capable of ruling over His plans or ways for me.  These feelings have made me really question myself and how I view God, though.  And not really in the ways I would have expected them to.  All my life, I have struggled with being accepted and being the way everyone else wanted me to be.  Growing up, I wanted to be just like everyone else, with dreams of marriage and happily ever after in my future.  Being a girl, I think it was just my natural inclination to lean towards those dreams and thoughts.  I have fought with myself on who I really am and what my real purpose is in life.  Not to say that I have figured it out, because I haven't.  At all.  But, I am learning who God is and just how amazing He really is. 

It is so simple.  I don't have to tell anyone exactly how many times blessings, abundance, prosperity, victory, and success are promised to those who believe.  But, I do wonder, how many of us really believe?  It is so easy to say I believe in God.  But do you?  In Exodus, God sent Moses to tell the people I am sent him.  It just makes me wonder, challenge myself and allow myself to contemplate just how fully I trust and know who God is.  He is I am.  So, what does that mean to me?  What do I allow him to be?  Do I allow Him to be my everything, or do I just allow my everything to decide what He can be for me?

We are taught that God is our provider.  God will see to every single one of our needs, but do we allow him?  How many times have I prayed for something, but not accepted His answer to me?  I constantly fight myself, because I know without a doubt God will provide for me.  But, the part I struggle with is that God provides in ways that only God can provide.  Sometimes, the lesson isn't that He will provide, but the lesson is how he will provide.  God simply asks that we obey him.  Sometimes the obedience is easy.  Sometimes it rocks us to our core, challenges our beliefs, and quite possibly makes us doubt whether or not we really trust God to provide.  Sometimes it is easier to accept life without what we need or want because we don't want to accept the answer in God's order and timing.  Nevertheless, He will provide.  From the beginning of time to the end of days, He will be our provider, providing we accept his help.  How often do I remind myself He is my provider?  He is the I am seeing to it.  He knows my needs, my thoughts, and my hopes.  And He will see to them. 

We are taught that God is our victory.  In no one else can we experience victory in the midst of defeat.  Think back to the story in Exodus, where God's chosen people are enslaved to cruel rulers.  Finally, when God decides to release them, they experience victory and release from Pharaoh, only to be filled with defeat when they experience one heartache and struggle after another.  And yet, God continued to remind them of who He was in the situation.  Crossing the Red Sea on dry ground, water from rocks, and victory over enemies with an act of simple obedience.  So, your simple act of obedience might sound silly or stupid to some, and yet, He is the I am going to win this battle for you.  He knows our enemies are coming long before we can see them, and the amazing part is that He already knows how He is going to win the battle.  And He always does, because He is victory. 

We are taught that God is the ultimate source of peace.  Where He is, peace is.  In this crazy world we live in, God still remains to be peace.  Why is it that we allow ourselves to be so carried away with simple problems, irritations and stupidity that we lose every ounce of peace we possess?  A little over a year ago, I was struggling with nightmares and panic attacks that were beyond anything I have ever experienced.  I lived in a state of absolutely no peace.  No rest from the disturbing memories, fears and experiences that I went through firsthand.  I knew I had peace over certain situations, but I allowed myself to remain chained to words spoken over me.  I allowed my peace, my joy, my faith and my trust to be stolen piece by piece, because I didn't know how powerful God's peace truly could be.  I will never forget the night I spoke peace instead of disaster into a nightmare.  It was the night I realized God was truly bigger than my situation.  And peace flooded in.  Every situation I have been facing, I can still remember His peace prevailing.  God telling me, "I am peace over you. Trust me." 

I can't even begin to describe who God is without getting completely awestruck by His power over me and my world.  I think about the God who redeemed my situation, giving me hope for the first time in almost 10 years.  I think about the God who continues to heal my brokenness.  I think about the God who is my protector, the author of my story, the planner of my days.  And I am amazed.  I am amazed that I can fully place my trust in someone I cannot touch, I cannot see and I cannot begin to understand.  I read countless stories of victory and healing and abundance in times of famine and I just begin to understand how big He is. 

The question still pops up.  Why do we not believe without question?  Why do we not fully trust when our minds know what He has done for others and ourselves?  Why do we struggle to realize His plan for us includes prosperity, our deepest desires and blessings more than we can ask or think, when we believe, trust and obey His simple commands?  It is simple.  We are human.  He is God.  He knows we are going to mess it up.  And He loves us anyway.  Tonight, I am so, so, so thankful for a God who loves me, even though He knows the thoughts going through my head tonight haven't all been nice ones.  I am so thankful for a God who provides for me, even when I am caught being selfish and unwilling to be kind.  I am so thankful for a God who will wipe my slate clean, time and time again, because He loves me and desires to pour blessings over me. 

Kinda makes me wonder how anyone of us, myself totally included, can ever be unwilling to obey, step out and just do what He has asked.  He wants to be the "I am" over every situation causing you pain.  He wants to be everything to us, the question really remains, why aren't we letting Him?

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