So, today, in the midst of keeping track of kids, doing a little housework, and trying to get homework behind me, I found myself really seriously questioning myself. Seems I've been doing that a lot lately. No doubt, no regret, just wondering about stuff., my mind racing from one thing to another and back again. Then I get a random text that just reminds me to be still. All this time, I pray, I search, I seek high and low. But I can't seem to shut up long enough to get that second half of the conversation that is so much more important than my half. At what point in life do you finally get so fed up with the craziness that you just turn it all off? Not sure that it ever happens, but if it does, I am close. I am so weary of junk. All the time, junk. Unimportant junk filling my thoughts, filling my prayers, making me want for more than I deserve.
All day Saturday I had quiet. Oh my goodness, I had quiet. No kids fighting back and forth over Barbies or pajamas or Lego's or the list could really go on all night... No TV conversations filling up the background noise. A quiet drizzle. No phones ringing. Even the dog was quiet. Nothing. Totally eerie. And I tried for over an hour to shut my mind down. To just sit and be still and be quiet. And I realized that two word command is almost impossible. Somewhere in all of that, I reminded myself how many moms would absolutely love an entire day of silence. I reminded myself that silence meant no fighting, no worry about drama happening later, just silence. Towards the end of all the silence, I started to lose it. Seriously. It was just too much. Too many questions, too many wishes, too many distant dreams. Too much past, too much future, and altogether too much present. It all was just too much. Silent on the outside, and a circus on the inside probably would've fit me perfectly.
Then, tonight, while writing my final (Oh yeah, one more class behind me, almost down to one handful left, too!!) I heard a song come on that fit my sentiments perfectly. It talked about trying to hear, but talking the whole time. Seriously, that is what caught my attention. And, then, instead of thinking about the ways that poverty rates effect education, all I could think about was what God was trying to tell me, and why I am so afraid of stopping to hear it. Kinda makes me wonder how many times He has answered me, and I have just been too busy, too loud, too involved in everything else to hear His voice. The song continued to play, pondering the same things I have been pondering. I trust, I believe, I try to listen. But, if God walked up to me, would I know it was Him? Do I really believe He is as big as He is?
I have been so impressed with who God is, with what He is capable of doing, but I am still stuck. It all means so much to me, and yet it is so overwhelming I don't even know what to do with it. I read about this miracle or that miracle and I feel so small and insignificant. I know God hears me. But on nights like this, it is hard to remember this journey will not be for nothing. It is hard to keep wearing fun jewelry and bright colors, hoping no one sees through it all, but knowing there is at least one who does.
And then the gentle reassurances flow in...
"Don't be afraid. Stand firm and watch God do his work of salvation in you today. Take a good look at the Egyptians today for you're never going to see them again. God will fight the battle for you. And you? You keep your mouths shut." ~Exodus 14:13-14
"I pulled you in from all over the world, called you in from every dark corner of the earth, telling you, 'You're my servant, serving on my side. I've picked you. I haven't dropped you.' Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you." ~Isaiah 41:8(ish)-10
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." ~Philippians 4:6-7
Just when I think my brokenness is too much to bear, I am reminded his wholeness is way bigger and way better and completely consumes my brokenness. He's got me. Even if I can't hear Him loud and clear, I know He hears me. And, eventually, the dawn is going to break.