What Do I Really Know?

So, today, in the midst of keeping track of kids, doing a little housework, and trying to get homework behind me, I found myself really seriously questioning myself.  Seems I've been doing that a lot lately.  No doubt, no regret, just wondering about stuff., my mind racing from one thing to another and back again.  Then I get a random text that just reminds me to be still.  All this time, I pray, I search, I seek high and low. But I can't seem to shut up long enough to get that second half of the conversation that is so much more important than my half.  At what point in life do you finally get so fed up with the craziness that you just turn it all off?  Not sure that it ever happens, but if it does, I am close.  I am so weary of junk.  All the time, junk.  Unimportant junk filling my thoughts, filling my prayers, making me want for more than I deserve. 

All day Saturday I had quiet.  Oh my goodness, I had quiet.  No kids fighting back and forth over Barbies or pajamas or Lego's or the list could really go on all night...  No TV conversations filling up the background noise.  A quiet drizzle.  No phones ringing.  Even the dog was quiet.  Nothing.  Totally eerie.  And I tried for over an hour to shut my mind down.  To just sit and be still and be quiet.  And I realized that two word command is almost impossible.  Somewhere in all of that, I reminded myself how many moms would absolutely love an entire day of silence.  I reminded myself that silence meant no fighting, no worry about drama happening later, just silence.  Towards the end of all the silence, I started to lose it.  Seriously.  It was just too much.  Too many questions, too many wishes, too many distant dreams.  Too much past, too much future, and altogether too much present.  It all was just too much.  Silent on the outside, and a circus on the inside probably would've fit me perfectly. 

Then, tonight, while writing my final (Oh yeah, one more class behind me, almost down to one handful left, too!!) I heard a song come on that fit my sentiments perfectly.  It talked about trying to hear, but talking the whole time.  Seriously, that is what caught my attention.  And, then, instead of thinking about the ways that poverty rates effect education, all I could think about was what God was trying to tell me, and why I am so afraid of stopping to hear it.  Kinda makes me wonder how many times He has answered me, and I have just been too busy, too loud, too involved in everything else to hear His voice.  The song continued to play, pondering the same things I have been pondering.  I trust, I believe, I try to listen.  But, if God walked up to me, would I know it was Him?  Do I really believe He is as big as He is? 

I have been so impressed with who God is, with what He is capable of doing, but I am still stuck.  It all means so much to me, and yet it is so overwhelming I don't even know what to do with it.  I read about this miracle or that miracle and I feel so small and insignificant.  I know God hears me.  But on nights like this, it is hard to remember this journey will not be for nothing.  It is hard to keep wearing fun jewelry and bright colors, hoping no one sees through it all, but knowing there is at least one who does. 

And then the gentle reassurances flow in...

       "Don't be afraid.  Stand firm and watch God do his work of salvation in you today.  Take a good look at the Egyptians today for you're never going to see them again.  God will fight the battle for you.  And you? You keep your mouths shut."      ~Exodus 14:13-14

       "I pulled you in from all over the world, called you in from every dark corner of the earth, telling you, 'You're my servant, serving on my side.  I've picked you.  I haven't dropped you.'  Don't panic.  I'm with you.  There's no need to fear for I'm your God.  I'll give you strength. I'll help you.  I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you."      ~Isaiah 41:8(ish)-10 

       "Don't fret or worry.  Instead of worrying, pray.  Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.  Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.  It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."   ~Philippians 4:6-7

Just when I think my brokenness is too much to bear, I am reminded his wholeness is way bigger and way better and completely consumes my brokenness.  He's got me.  Even if I can't hear Him loud and clear, I know He hears me.  And, eventually, the dawn is going to break. 
    

Questions Unanswered

I have been really impressed with God and how amazingly huge he is the last few days.  It is so strange that when you really try and discover who God is and what He is capable of, you can't help but trust.  I feel like my life is at this crossroads lately.  It isn't really a crossroads, more of a turning point maybe.  I have been fighting off feelings of unimportance and inadequacy the last few weeks and I am realizing I am either going to allow those feelings to determine my steps, or I can fight them off and remind myself constantly who I am and what I am doing, and that inadequate and unimportant is NOT who God called me to be. 

I firmly believe my feelings do not come from God, nor are they capable of ruling over His plans or ways for me.  These feelings have made me really question myself and how I view God, though.  And not really in the ways I would have expected them to.  All my life, I have struggled with being accepted and being the way everyone else wanted me to be.  Growing up, I wanted to be just like everyone else, with dreams of marriage and happily ever after in my future.  Being a girl, I think it was just my natural inclination to lean towards those dreams and thoughts.  I have fought with myself on who I really am and what my real purpose is in life.  Not to say that I have figured it out, because I haven't.  At all.  But, I am learning who God is and just how amazing He really is. 

It is so simple.  I don't have to tell anyone exactly how many times blessings, abundance, prosperity, victory, and success are promised to those who believe.  But, I do wonder, how many of us really believe?  It is so easy to say I believe in God.  But do you?  In Exodus, God sent Moses to tell the people I am sent him.  It just makes me wonder, challenge myself and allow myself to contemplate just how fully I trust and know who God is.  He is I am.  So, what does that mean to me?  What do I allow him to be?  Do I allow Him to be my everything, or do I just allow my everything to decide what He can be for me?

We are taught that God is our provider.  God will see to every single one of our needs, but do we allow him?  How many times have I prayed for something, but not accepted His answer to me?  I constantly fight myself, because I know without a doubt God will provide for me.  But, the part I struggle with is that God provides in ways that only God can provide.  Sometimes, the lesson isn't that He will provide, but the lesson is how he will provide.  God simply asks that we obey him.  Sometimes the obedience is easy.  Sometimes it rocks us to our core, challenges our beliefs, and quite possibly makes us doubt whether or not we really trust God to provide.  Sometimes it is easier to accept life without what we need or want because we don't want to accept the answer in God's order and timing.  Nevertheless, He will provide.  From the beginning of time to the end of days, He will be our provider, providing we accept his help.  How often do I remind myself He is my provider?  He is the I am seeing to it.  He knows my needs, my thoughts, and my hopes.  And He will see to them. 

We are taught that God is our victory.  In no one else can we experience victory in the midst of defeat.  Think back to the story in Exodus, where God's chosen people are enslaved to cruel rulers.  Finally, when God decides to release them, they experience victory and release from Pharaoh, only to be filled with defeat when they experience one heartache and struggle after another.  And yet, God continued to remind them of who He was in the situation.  Crossing the Red Sea on dry ground, water from rocks, and victory over enemies with an act of simple obedience.  So, your simple act of obedience might sound silly or stupid to some, and yet, He is the I am going to win this battle for you.  He knows our enemies are coming long before we can see them, and the amazing part is that He already knows how He is going to win the battle.  And He always does, because He is victory. 

We are taught that God is the ultimate source of peace.  Where He is, peace is.  In this crazy world we live in, God still remains to be peace.  Why is it that we allow ourselves to be so carried away with simple problems, irritations and stupidity that we lose every ounce of peace we possess?  A little over a year ago, I was struggling with nightmares and panic attacks that were beyond anything I have ever experienced.  I lived in a state of absolutely no peace.  No rest from the disturbing memories, fears and experiences that I went through firsthand.  I knew I had peace over certain situations, but I allowed myself to remain chained to words spoken over me.  I allowed my peace, my joy, my faith and my trust to be stolen piece by piece, because I didn't know how powerful God's peace truly could be.  I will never forget the night I spoke peace instead of disaster into a nightmare.  It was the night I realized God was truly bigger than my situation.  And peace flooded in.  Every situation I have been facing, I can still remember His peace prevailing.  God telling me, "I am peace over you. Trust me." 

I can't even begin to describe who God is without getting completely awestruck by His power over me and my world.  I think about the God who redeemed my situation, giving me hope for the first time in almost 10 years.  I think about the God who continues to heal my brokenness.  I think about the God who is my protector, the author of my story, the planner of my days.  And I am amazed.  I am amazed that I can fully place my trust in someone I cannot touch, I cannot see and I cannot begin to understand.  I read countless stories of victory and healing and abundance in times of famine and I just begin to understand how big He is. 

The question still pops up.  Why do we not believe without question?  Why do we not fully trust when our minds know what He has done for others and ourselves?  Why do we struggle to realize His plan for us includes prosperity, our deepest desires and blessings more than we can ask or think, when we believe, trust and obey His simple commands?  It is simple.  We are human.  He is God.  He knows we are going to mess it up.  And He loves us anyway.  Tonight, I am so, so, so thankful for a God who loves me, even though He knows the thoughts going through my head tonight haven't all been nice ones.  I am so thankful for a God who provides for me, even when I am caught being selfish and unwilling to be kind.  I am so thankful for a God who will wipe my slate clean, time and time again, because He loves me and desires to pour blessings over me. 

Kinda makes me wonder how anyone of us, myself totally included, can ever be unwilling to obey, step out and just do what He has asked.  He wants to be the "I am" over every situation causing you pain.  He wants to be everything to us, the question really remains, why aren't we letting Him?

Strong and Courageous

For as long as I can remember, I have been one of the most competitive people I know.  This works both for me and against me.  Mostly, it pushes me to my edge, so that I know I am doing my absolute best.  Whether it be playing a mad game of Scrabble when I was little, to being a band geek as a teenager, to being a good mom and wife as an adult.  Whatever my task, I wanted perfection.  I wanted the best.  I wanted to be able to say that no one makes a better meatloaf than me.  No one plays that solo like Cil does.  No one knows her girls better than Cil.  She is just amazing, that is seriously what I wanted more than anything.  To be known for excellence. Then, my walls started shaking, and after a long bit of this shaking, my foundation gave way.  My competitive edge was fatally wounded, requiring me to admit defeat and failure.  This rocked me to my core, because the only thing I don't do is fail.  I just don't.  That is, until I did. 

When someone gets married, or rather when I got married, it is supposed to be for life. You know, the whole grow old together, with each other, praying you die first so you never have to live without the other.  I went into my marriage with those goals in mind.  Honestly.  Yeah, I know you all know how that ended for me, but bear with me.  The commitment wasn't just a short term game, or a starter marriage.  I wanted forever.  A lifetime.  You know, happily ever after.  And, when my walls started shaking, I fought harder.  I dug my feet in and held on for life.  I prayed and I waited, I prayed and I waited.  I tried harder, I cooked better, I cleaned better.  I did every thing I possibly could to make wants be satisfied, to know I had fought my hardest fight and won it.  And, the competitive edge failed me.  I failed me.  Looking back now, I realize that failure is only failure when you learn nothing.  When you leave a situation with no pointers, with no mistakes recognized, with no lessons learned, no empathy to be handed to someone in the same situation.  That is failure.

The last few months, I haven't written much.  Truth is, I have been too busy comparing and competing with those around me to sit down and hash it out in words.  The old Cil coming out, feeling the need to take it one notch above.  Competing to be the best.  At everything.  Instead of feeling like the best, I have been feeling like failure.  Putting every ounce of myself into everything around me, pouring and giving and trying so hard that I realize I am failing.  Stupidly, not even recognizing what I am doing to myself or those around me.  Comparing myself to the mom's I know who have it all together.  Most, I might add, are also married.  And not in school full time.  Comparing myself to people I can't keep up with, spiritually, financially, physically.  Luckily, I am not yelling at myself, ripping myself to shreds in the mirror, or ruining who I know I am, however, tonight, I feel defeated.  I feel weak.  I feel like sitting down and saying none of it matters.  Except, this time, none of it really does.  Who cares if I can buy a house this time next year?  No one but me.  The girls don't care.  My friends don't care if I own my own house.  The dog doesn't care.  Me pushing myself for something that is probably not reachable.  Who cares what kind of grades I make?  Me.  My grades will not change a single thing about my diploma.  It will not change the requirements for the job, nor will they determine my salary.  It does not determine my worth to friends, it definitely does not make or break my mothering skills.  So, does it really matter?  Who cares if I write a 2,000 word post every day?  I know most would say it was overkill.  Not because I don't rock, but because that's just a lot.  Truth is, I can't think of a single person in my exact shoes that I can compete with to reach the prize, whatever in the world that may be.  And still, I get frustrated.  I get tired.  I get hopeful, then sad when my hope runs dry.  I want my little girls to stay little so I can snuggle and answer their questions in ways they understand.  Sad thing is, I can't.  And, living with an 8-year-old is proving that I can't answer all the questions, know it all, or even understand it all.  Sometimes, all I can do is remind myself to put one foot in front of the other, and keep my head held high while doing it.  Standing tall and just being brave while the questions hammer my head like bullets, being shot rapid fire at me.  Remaining confident in my God while my daughters ask questions I can't even fake the answers to. 

This last Sunday, I was so impressed with Joshua 1:9.  "This is my command - be strong and courageous!  Do not be afraid or discouraged.  For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." In my little fantasy world, I thought Joshua suddenly had all the power and strength he could possibly need.  Until I kept reading.  Then really starting looking and studying.  Joshua sounds like a strong, bold, brave sort of name.  Courageous, definitely.  And yet, he was given the exact same command 7 different times in just a few short chapters.  Technically 8, as Moses was given that message to give to Joshua at the end of Deuteronomy.  This seemingly strong command that we all know had to be given to this mighty man of God 8 times.  Fearless warrior, shaking in his boots, knowing what he had to do, what he was ordered to do, and still having to bow on his knees and be issued new strength, new fearlessness, new courage so many times in a short amount of time. 

Tonight, I am fighting my emotions.  I am fighting my head.  I am fighting an uncertain future.  And yet, aren't we all?  Aren't we all in something unseen, something we all feel alone in?  Fearful of what God is giving us the strength to fight for?  I just can't seem to get over it.  No one else in the whole Bible was given that command so many times.  Several men were given the command, Azariah, Hezekiah, David, finally to Solomon.  None of those men needed to be reminded eight times.  So, I can continue to sit and compare myself with beautiful women around me, I can sit and compare myself to these amazing cooks whose husbands adore them, I can sit and compare myself to energetic volunteers in the same ministry as me.  Or, I can sit and remind myself we don't all do it the same way.  Some of us need to be reminded "Be strong.  Be courageous.  Be fearless.  Be obedient.  Don't be afraid of me or where we are going.  And don't you ever, ever let go of my hand," only once, some twice, some of us eight times, and still others around us need 8,000 times before the message sinks in and faith and trust take over.  While I can sit and compare, I realize we are all given the same grace, the same mercy, the same future.  We who seek God will prosper.  We will be given those secret desires that we long for.  We will wake up each morning, with yesterday's sins already erased from our records, and when we do the same stupid things today, His grace, His blood, it covers those too.  So, yeah, I might compare.  And it might take 5 million times, but truth is, God is still God.  He is still Creator, Planner, Author of my story, He is my beginning, and He will be my end.  This junk in my path isn't gonna take me down.  It will not take anything more from me than it already has.  And His plan for me is still best.  Even if He chooses to keep it hidden for just a little while still, it will be best. 

I just feel the urge to say this...  Do whatever it is He is calling you to do.  Do it with the confidence only He can give you.  Be obedient and be strong.  Be courageous and know He is God.  He has promised to stand by our side, regardless of the fact He knows us better than we know ourselves.  He won't abandon you, forsake you or forget you.  Be fearless, because He has already gone ahead, He knows the battle, because He has already fought it for us.  Sometimes, though, we gotta get a little muddy.  We gotta get a little uncomfortable and afraid.  We wouldn't need Him if we could do it all on our own.  Not in our weakness, but in His strength... 

Suddenly Bold

Back a few months ago, I did a talk on faith.  While I was preparing for this short little speech, I was so impressed with Peter walking on the waves.  His faith made me reconsider exactly how much (or more like it, how little) faith I possessed.  I loved thinking about it, pondering the emotions (or maybe it was all testosterone, who knows?) that might have completely surrounded Peter.  My emotions that morning were so amazed by the concept of Peter trusting Jesus enough to excitedly do exactly what was asked.  I was blown away by the trust, the hope and the promise that Peter could in fact do exactly what he wanted to do, because he was so intently focused on Jesus.

Matthew 14:22-33 in the Message is what brought this all about, and I really want to share it...

As soon as the meal was finished, he (Jesus) insisted that the disciples get in the boat and go on ahead to the other side while he dismissed the people.  With the crowd dispersed, he climbed the mountain so he could be by himself and pray.  He stayed there alone, late into the night.  Meanwhile, the boat was far out to sea when the wind came up against them and they were battered by the waves.  At about four o'clock in the morning, Jesus came toward them walking on the water.  They were scared out of their wits.  "A ghost!" they said, crying in terror.  But Jesus was quick to comfort them.  "Courage, it's me.  Don't be afraid."  Peter, suddenly bold, said, "Master, if it's really you, call me to come to you on the water."  He said, "Come ahead."  Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus.  But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his feet, he lots his nerve and started to sink.  He cried, "Master, save me!"  Jesus didn't hesitate.  He reached down and grabbed his hand.  Then he said, "Faint-heart, what got into you?"  The two of them climbed into the boat, and the wind died down.  The disciples in the boat, having watched the whole thing, worshiped Jesus, saying, "This is it!  You are God's Son for sure!"

The morning of my talk, the phrase in this passage that spoke so desperately to me was that Peter jumped out of the boat.  No hesitation, no weighing what the options were, no doubting the churning waves under foot, he just jumped out of the boat.  A month or so back, a dear friend mentioned this same passage, but placed emphasis on a completely different phrase.  I was struggling with something I felt God was leading me to do, and terrified that I would be out of His plan for my life.  I wanted to do what He wanted me to do, not think He wanted me to do something because I wanted it.  She reminded me that Peter had to have been terrified, too, because it says Peter was suddenly bold.  She told me that my disobedience needed to become suddenly bold and do what God had asked of me because my disobedience could be hindering someone else's obedience.  Needless to say, I tried to do what was asked.  Tried being the key word, because I chickened out.  I decided I must have misunderstood what God wanted from me.  I hate how remembering back makes me realize I pretty much told God I knew better than Him.  However, I am thankful that I see the lesson I needed to learn. 

Anyway, re-reading it for possibly the hundredth time since then, I am hit by so many thoughts and phrases throughout this passage.  First, this miracle was performed immediately following 5,000 people being fed by five loaves of bread and two fish.  And not several days later, but immediately following.  This part stuns me, because it has left me tonight with hope.  One miracle might be immediately following another.  God's timing is perfect, and He knows exactly what tomorrow holds. 

Secondly, these disciples at first assumed the worst.  These men were the men closest to Jesus, getting to know more than the typical person.  And, they assumed the worst, instead of assuming it was Jesus.  Really, though, how typical it is for us to automatically assume the sky is coming down around us and our world is coming to an end.  Instead of placing their trust in Jesus, they placed humanly fears in the explainable.  Well, as explainable as a ghost is anyway...

Jesus immediately provides them comfort and soothes their fears.  Without fail and without asking, Jesus calls out, reminding them not to be afraid or confused, He was with them. Their boat would not sink, the waves would not send them going in circles, but instead the he was there, he was in control, and they were safe. 

And, then Peter, suddenly bold, asks to walk on the water with Jesus.  First, he had to become suddenly bold.  He didn't just automatically have the nerve, he wasn't overly courageous, but instead suddenly bold.  Trusting, asking and receiving, knowing if Peter asked, Peter would receive.  And, upon being given permission, propels himself without abandon out of the boat.  Seem a little over dramatic?  Uh, yeah, however, how many of us would just throw ourselves over the side of the boat into crashing waves?  Not very many. 

And then, Peter lost his nerve.  Yup.  So like me.  I get direction, start the process, and lose my nerve.  And, just like He did Peter, Jesus rescues me, without question or hesitation every time I ask him to.  And, tonight, I feel like God is asking me, "Faint-heart, what has gotten into you?"  I know what He told me to do, and tonight, instead of doubting my ability,  I jumped in.  Instead of looking at the waves and sinking down, upset and doubting, I am gonna remind those waves exactly who my God is, and know He will have the victory, whatever it may be.  The thoughts have hit whether or not suddenly bold was enough, whether it was Peter's quick feet or his ability to remember who to ask for help that saved him from drowning.  My wind and waves will die down, and His plans for me are still the same. 

As the story plays over and over in my head, I am reminded that the very same trust, hope and faith present in Peter needs to be fed in me, and without circumstances to strengthen my trust, it will grow weak.  I gotta remember who I am walking towards, instead of focusing on the waves crashing underneath me, bringing new hope every day.  If only I could remember to quit looking down, but instead up to the one where the ultimate source of help, direction and healing come from.  That said, I gotta turn this brain off for a night...   

Christmas Miracles

You know, I am sure you know, it is Christmas.  Or almost Christmas.  Or blink four times and sneeze twice and it will be all over and it will no longer be Christmas, but a new year.  I have been in such a funk over it, too.  Not sad or depressed, just not feeling the excitement.  It is so easy to get caught up in the thoughts.  This one wants that, that one wants this, I have no idea about what to do for so-and-so...  Presents have been bought, stockings have been hung, lights are twinkling all over my house, and the girls daily remind me how many sleeps we have left before Santa gets here. 

Christmas lists keep revising, priorities changing, wishes revealed.  Sara and I had an interesting conversation that has left me in a state of complete confusion and complete amazement, that for once, I truly don't have an answer for her, and know Santa isn't coming through with her wish.  It's funny how we teach our children to become mature young people, with the goal of getting them through school and into adulthood without too much drama or failure, all the while almost refusing to allow them to do it on their own.  While it shows she really is growing up (which as an incredible gift, but also sad), it is hard for me to not just write a check, swipe a card or go get that special thing she wants so unselfishly.  This year, she asked for a Daddy who is right for the girls and myself.  Yeah, talk about a lump in my throat that just won't go away.  She gave me her list, and thank God, he was number 2.  I have never been more thankful to be able to provide the first thing, but she said she would gladly give up her toy to have a Daddy in our house, and a good husband for me, too.  Which of course, prompted a second discussion about the differences between a Daddy, a good Daddy, or the Daddy that lives 20 minutes down the road.  Luckily, we have it straightened out some, but every once in a while, I will hear her praying about God giving us someone special.  Gotta admit, as thankful that I am she is looking to the One who will provide abundantly, it tears my heart out.  I want to be able to provide the wishes and longings of my kids.  But, I refuse to step out of God's plan for us to do so.  I am hoping she can see my confidence that God will work this for our good, instead of growing frustrated that His plan isn't happening just yet.  Even more thankful, she understands the difference between bad relationships and good ones, and wants me to find someone new.  There is no anger with her about what could have been.  I am blessed.  Blessed far more than I deserve. 

Jessie asked for something, and I finally purchased it, now she wants a castle.  Yup.  A castle.  And Cassie asked for a pony.  Again.  Third year in a row.  So, we have Prince Charming, a Castle, and the horse to pull the carriage.  Good luck, Santa, I have girls who know what they want, and apparently, it ends a little like Cinderella.  Yeah, and they probably have watched one too many princess movies, so we probably don't need any more of those. 

It is impossible not to feel their enthusiasm, because they are just so innocent and sweet when they tell of an angel coming to Mary, and travelling by donkey and following stars and meeting this precious baby named Jesus.  However, every time they tell me the story, it is impossible for me not to think.  Difficult, dark thoughts of Mary and how terrified she had to have been.  While Jesus was perfect, his earthly parents were human.  So, my mind works something like this...

One: An angel visits an engaged virgin, telling her she was going to have a baby.  Okay, so to be a 14 or 15 year old teenager, and being told you are going to have a baby, and yet, never even understanding what it really takes to make a baby is beyond me.  It is so easy to just sit back and think, she must have been so excited, to be carrying God's son.  But, in my mind??  She was terrified, frantic, doubting her ability, worried about her impending marriage, and wondering what everyone was going to think about how immoral of a person she must be.  For a little while, the pregnancy could be hidden, but eventually, murmuring would begin when she had to go to the market, or when wedding plans were quickly carried out.  The angel's message of Good News had to have felt like complete and total chaos. 

Two: Joseph is a man, no offense, but just a man.  A man who had to have struggled with Mary's news.  I mean, seriously, can you imagine telling your fiance you were pregnant, and oh yeah, God is the father??  Unbelievable.  Talk about doubt, anger, and then debating on whether or not to go through with marrying this woman who claims the impossible.  All that, after she is conveniently out of town visiting with Elisabeth.  Only to be told shortly before the birth that he must marry Mary, because she was in fact, telling the truth?  Can you imagine how horribly he felt?  The guilt, then the overwhelming reality that he had to shoulder the responsibility of being the earthly father to a son who already knew the Heavenly Father on such an intimate level?  Humbling, absolutely humbling.

Three:  And honestly, one of the most uncomfortable things to think about.  This enormously long ride on a donkey.  I am sure, in the middle of this major miracle, Mary had to be thinking, "Are you kidding me???"  Or I would be thinking that.  And complaining.  And whining.  And, at some point, I am pretty sure tears and tantrums might have been included.  Nine months pregnant, balancing precariously on the back of a donkey.  For days.  Not just a ride around the block, or just a few minutes away, but a long journey.  I can honestly say, my human mind would've been seriously doubting the plan God had carried out or even maybe wondering if the angel was really an illusion, a hallucination in the middle of wedding planning stress. 

Four:  The stable.  I know that it seems really cool to think about the Holiest of all, humbling Himself to be born in the lowliest of places, but put yourself in Mary's shoes.  First, no rooms anywhere with a real bed.  Second, contractions may be starting, or at least intermittently happening.  Third, the stench that hits you in the face when you walk into any room where animals are housed.  This is where it really starts to hit me.  A teenage mom, unplanned pregnancy, unplanned "vacation," going into labor in the middle of a barn.  With animals watching.  And a man who has never "known" you that way.  First, there is a part of labor that my mom has had to give me this speech.  Every single one of my girls was born because my mom reminded me I had to keep going, despite the pain and the fear and the incredible desire for the contractions to stop so that I could go home, I had to keep going, and after all, I could do this because I had to do this.  What was Mary going to do without her mom there to keep her focused on the miracle that was taking place?  Did she lay there, smelling animals and all their nastiness, wondering where this miracle was going to happen?  Did she see the manger and dread having to give birth because that was the only place she could lay her little prince? 

Five: The birth.  You know, the Bible tells us that angels were sent to shepherds, wise men were guided by a star.  But, it never mentions angels being with Mary and Joseph.  It never says they were comforted, put at peace, or okay with any of the events taking place.  Do you think they were just so thankful to be a part of this huge miracle, or do you think they were wondering if it was even a miracle at all?  As first time parents, most of us plan and dream and just have this picture perfect plan of how it is going to be.  I am sure when an angel says, "Mary, you are going to have a son, who will be called Jesus.  He is truly the Son of God, and he will be yours," she wasn't thinking about how awesome of a mom she was going to be.  I am sure she was thinking, "Me? I can't do this.  I don't have a big enough house, enough riches or the beauty to be the mother to the Son of God."  No offense to Mary, but as a woman, I am pretty sure every single woman alive would feel those same things.  I am sure Mary didn't plan on getting pregnant before she was married, even more so, getting on a donkey and travelling any distance at all, then, to top it all off, having their reservation lost and having to bed down in a stable somewhere, because only one man out of hundreds took pity on their situation.  We don't tell stories of the angels proclaiming his birth to Mary or Joseph, and it seems as though they were alone.  Giving birth is not a modest act.  In fact, most women who give birth today have intricate birthing plans, with suites, hot tubs and air conditioning for transition.  It isn't something I would willingly do in front of someone who I wasn't legally bound to, to be honest.  I mean, rings and wedding vows sorta bind the man to the woman regardless of what takes place in the birthing room.  But Mary?  She hadn't gotten herself in this position the normal way.  They hadn't adjusted to each other, nor had they become comfortable with their spouse, they way couples do after being married for a little while.  And, here they were, Joseph having to help her in ways that Mary would've probably preferred someone else to do the job.  And, in the midst of all of this, don't you imagine, the miracle might not be so obvious?  The miracle might almost feel like you had done something horribly wrong, and were being punished in a very mortifying, humbling sort of way.

And yet, the miracle was there.  In the midst of the pain, in the midst of the fear, in the midst of it all, the miracle was minutes from being born.  The miracle, the Savior to the world, was only minutes away from being born so that each of us could experience him in ways no one previously had experienced him.  Jesus was born, protected, loved and raised to fulfill this huge miraculous plan.  God knew the obstacles, He knew the chaos, He knew the exact moment Jesus would enter the world, and exactly where this miracle would occur.  It is moments like this that I am blown away by the way God works.  Mary and Joseph were bound to feel a little clueless, frustrated by their circumstance, maybe even angry their plans were cancelled, because God called them to do something different.  Aren't we all the same way?  We all long to be a part of something bigger, but only if we can still remain in control of the how's and the when's. 

We all get up, go to work, eat, pay bills and go on from day to day.  We deal with blown out tires, batteries that won't start, bickering kids, anger at spouses, or longing for someone to eventually marry so we can be angry at our spouses, too.  We walk this life out, wondering when our miracle is going to happen.  We get so lost in looking for this miracle that we fail to see the miracle that is surrounding us on a daily basis.  Yeah, so our plans get a little messed up, our paths are completely crooked and crazy, but God still has this miracle that we, as humans, are completely blind to, because we are not God, nor do we understand how massively huge his plans for us are.  Because we, in our stupidity, think we aren't capable or worthy or enough to be part of a miracle.  And, oh, how wrong we are. 

While we sit and we moan and groan about the why's and why not's and when's and how come's, God is sitting back, probably chuckling, saying, "Hello??  Can you not see the miracles that are surrounding you?"  As I sit here, completely venting at the inability to give Sara and myself something we both would love, I realize, this is an opportunity for at least a miracle or two.  One, a lesson to wait on God, His miracles will always outdo my own.  Two, a lesson on asking, being patient and praying for His strength and courage in every situation.  And three, being thankful for the miracles I am in the middle of and yet am totally unable to see.  Wherever you are tonight, regardless of how great or how low your life is right this second, just remember, you cannot see your paths, but God can.  And I am pretty sure it contains at least a miracle or two. 

Ups and Downs

Not really sure what about the winter season that makes my emotions so intense. I hate to publicly admit this, but I fear my tear ducts are gonna dry up from overuse. I'm so blessed and so thankful for the gifts I've been given. It leaves me overwhelmed with so many emotions. Happiness at the promise of new things, fresh beginnings, blessings surrounding me and God being first in my life. Sadness that I feel like I have lost so much in the last couple of years. I have alternated between happy and sad tears so often lately, my poor mind doesn't know if I'm coming or going.

I have moved out of my Thanksgiving state of mind and into the next cold season. While I love watching the leaves change color, I hate the dreariness of naked trees, gray skies and early nights. So thankful that twinkling lights are coming out, brightening the darkness for a little while. I'm ready to get in the kitchen and start baking and baking and baking. I have found this absolute love for cooking, this release I get when a meal tastes ten times better than I remember it. I used to sort of enjoy cooking, but I have realized, I am actually g pagood at it and really like it. Thank God, too, cause we gotta eat...

in the midst of tears, I find such incredible joy about what this season represents. I love knowing people are more open to hearing about the birth of our Savior. I mean, seriously, who doesn't like to think about snuggly newborn babies in all their newborn awesomeness? People are in high spirits, getting ready for giving gifts, spreading joy and seeing their families. It is a joyous time of year.

This morning, though, I wish I could just pull the covers over my head, and wake up to springtime. I know in a little bit, this will pass, and I will be excited and ready for this season. My halls are decked, the stockings are hung, and I feel empty. It's crazy, but there are so many unknowns this year. I think uncertainty is stealing my joy, and I have got to take it back. Maybe something warm and smelly will take care of that. And definitely some praise and worship. :)

The Wind and the Waves

I am gonna start by saying I love knowing what I do is important.  I love knowing I do have a purpose in my life, even if it is for a season.  I love seeing kids excited to see me, and more than that, I love hearing 18 kids scream "Jesus!" at the tops of their lungs.  Let me say, seeing their enthusiasm and trust in God never ceases to remind me of how simple loving and trusting him in all things is.  I mean, sure, the biggest worry on their mind is whether or not they will get seconds on veggie straws, or whether their drink will be purple or red, but still.  It is so simple, so easy.

Tonight, I taught a simple lesson on Jesus calming the storm for the disciples.  "Oh ye of little faith'" kept pouring through me.  So much so, I finally had to remind myself I have enough faith, and that when it fails me, grace takes over.  I was teaching the kids that Jesus and his disciples often travelled by boat to get someplace, because their only other source of transportation was donkey or feet.  So, we quickly checked the skies for signs of storms, and boarded our "boat."  We rowed out to the middle of the lake, we were enjoying our journey, and then, the winds picked up.  The clouds rolled over the sun, the sky got dark.  Then, it started to rain.  Yeah, really.  Wind, rain and dark.  In the classroom.  The kids loved it.  And, hearing their giggles and screams and enthusiasm made my entire day.  Anyway, standing their, turning the fan up and down, spritzing them with spray bottles of water, I was reminded of how much God does the same thing.  He watches me board this boat of mine, setting out to do these remarkable things.  Haha, or even not so remarkable, just everyday things, and its like He says, "Ok, Cil, whatcha gonna do with a little wind?  That didn't get you down, so let's try some dark times...  Oh, well, that didn't work, so lets add some waves and lots of rain."  And, the kids?  They laughed.  I wasn't exactly sure what the reaction would be, and honestly, I was a little nervous.  I didn't know if any were scared of the dark, or if they would freak out getting rained on.  But, don't you know that God is sitting up there, doing pretty much the same thing?  No, he doesn't order evil or condemnation in my life.  But, he will see how I can handle certain storms.  The disciples finally found Jesus, sound asleep, in the midst of complete chaos, and felt frustration because of his lack of concern.  The men reprimanded Jesus, King of kings.  Prince of peace.  Can you imagine?  Immediately, Jesus stands up and utters a short command.  Three words.  Three.  No long drawn out command.  Just a simple phrase.  "Peace.  Be still."  And, the winds and waves obeyed the Master and died down.  Astonished at the cowardly behavior of the men, he questions them, " Why are you so afraid?  Do you still have no faith?" 

Sometimes, this teacher gets more out of the lesson than her students.  It was so easy to read this story this afternoon, getting so judgemental against the disciples for questioning Jesus about his nap.  I mean, seriously, Jesus wants to nap, my goodness, let the man nap!  The Message version says it like this "Is it nothing to you that we are going to drown?"  And it hit me hard tonight.  How many times have I cried out, "Lord, do you not see this situation?  Do you not care?  I feel abandoned by you, where in this world are you?"  And, my questioning is no different than the disciples concern.  So, telling this story to the kids, I had such a hard time not choking up.  Who are we to question what His intentions are?  Why do we feel like we need to know what He is up to?

Sitting here tonight, I am so in awe of the God I serve.  I mean, this massively awesome Creator knows where every single sparrow is right now.  Why would he not care about me?  For a long time, I turned away from God's unconditional love.  I served him,  I worshipped him, I loved him.  But, I couldn't receive his love within me.  For so many years, I knew how undeserving I was to receive any portion of his love.  How unworthy, how worthless I was as a human being.  These beliefs were so constant in me, I couldn't fathom the God of the universe genuinely loving me.  And then.  I think about it, and I just want to cry out with praise that I finally get it.  I believe it.  And, thank God, I receive it.  Nothing I can do will ever deserve it.  I will never be worthy of it.  But, that is where the faith starts moving in.  His love is here, in me, regardless.  He can say to my waves, crashing around me, "You ridiculous waves, disastrous winds, get out of her way.  She is my daughter, and you are bothering her, impeding her journey.  Just stop." And, that hurricane-like storm will have NO choice but to move.  So, who am I to ask God, "Do you see me down here?"  The simple answer is that He does see me.  And this storm in my sea has the most amazing peace in the midst.  Waves gently lapping at the boat, dolphins jumping out in the horizon, sunset remarkable shades of colors I can't even describe.  It might take some heavy paddling, some scooping up water out of my boat, and waves crashing in around me to get there, but it is so gonna be worth it.  So, when my world seems like I am drowning, all I have to do is say, "Master.  Take my hand.  Hold me up.  With you in my boat, I will not drown." 

I am reminded once again of the amazing verse in Isaiah that says, "Don't be afraid.  I've redeemed you.  I've called your name.  You're mine.  When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.  When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.  When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end - Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior.  I paid a huge price for you, all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!  That's how much you mean to me!  That's how much I love you!  I'd sell of the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you."  On days I am really struggling, I will change this verse just for me.  It has been my life-line on days I really thought the world was caving in on me.  I will read it out loud to my reflection in the mirror like this, "Don't be afraid, Cil, I've redeemed you.  I have called you, Cil, because you are mine.  When you, Cil, are in over your head, I will be there with you.  When you, my precious daughter, are in over your head, I will be there with you.  When you're in rough waters, you, Cil, will not go down.  When you are between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end - because I am God, Cil's personal God, the Holy of Israel, Cil's Savior.  I paid a huge price for you, Cil, all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!  That is how much you, Cil, mean to me.  That is how much I love you, Cil.  I would sell off the whole world just to get you back, trade the entire creation just for you." 

I will just say this.  How can you not face whatever battle you are facing with God confidence when you insert your name instead of mine?  It is impossible.  Speak it to yourself in the mirror.  It works.  When I look out at those waves that were threatening to overturn my boat this afternoon, I almost want to laugh.  Who am I to worry about the waves that God controls?  God has this; He has me, sitting right there in the palm of his hand.  What in this world do I have to fear?