Monday, April 30, 2012

Just wondering...

If you are reading this, please do not judge me.  And, if you absolutely cannot control the urge.  Judge me behind my back because, seriously, I don't want to hear it.  ;) 

Okay, so I seriously doubt that I am the only woman alive that wonders what really goes on in the minds of others, especially members of the opposite gender.  But, I wonder, then struggle, then ignore, then debate, and it goes on and on and on.  I guess I am a thinker.  At times, this is great.  Other times, like right now, not good.  At all. 

My current struggle is my own self-esteem.  I am doing remarkably better than even two weeks ago.  I have learned when I start to feel those thoughts come around, to grab my Bible and jump in.  There are so many positive things, and if you just start flipping, eventually you will find something that fits.  :) 

I have it so deeply rooted in me that I am not worth much to anyone but my kids.  I am trying, with not much success, to know that at some point, this will change.  Over the last year, I have realized I am important to some women in my life.  I volunteer regularly in one  ministry, and have realized I am important to the kids I see every week.  However, I still wonder about other things. 

I am getting ready to really tell it like I am feeling it tonight, so, please forgive me if I am totally out of line.  I am just praying that when I put myself out there, I am not alone, and that somewhere, some mommy out there is feeling the same way. 

I have had the incredible blessing of women in my life who speak loving things over me.  When I have a rough day, I have a few women I can call and know I will be able to gain some positive perspective.  If I am experiencing mommy failures, I know that every mom, regardless of marital status, has been there, done that.  Many of those mommies even have amazing men who love them, live with them and help them.  I have the incredible blessing of a church that surrounds me and the girls with love.  These are amazing things, and are not taken lightly.  I am so incredibly thankful.  Really, honestly, I am. 

But.  Yeah, there it is.  We all knew it was coming.  Here comes the total frustration coming out.  But, how come?  If gorgeous mommy A comes up to me and says, Cil, you are gorgeous!  Or, super skinny perfect mommy B says Cil, that outfit is amazing! Or, amazing friend and mommy C, says Cil, you are such an amazing mommy.  Why is it that I can't believe it?  And, if this is true, why has no man recognized it???  I feel like the only people that even see me are my (incredible amazingly awesome) lady friends.  Why is it that I can't seem to get a single stinkin' date?  I have been legally separated for way over a year, and divorced for a few months short of a year.  If what all of these women say about me is true, why hasn't one single man asked me out?  And, even beyond these stupid frustrations, why can I still hear one man's voice screaming through all of these thoughts, "No one will ever want you, especially with three kids."  I pray.  I beg God to give me direction, comfort, strength and wisdom.  And, he always comes through.  Somehow, I make it.  I am able to find peace.  I am able to find comfort.  I can walk through any situation put in front of me.  But, this one stupid piece of junk thought, I can't seem to shut up.  It just eats at me.  I want to stand on a street corner and take a poll, would you date this woman, even knowing she has three kids?  Except for the fact that the answer I would probably get would depress me.  I want to prove it wrong.  I desperately want to prove it wrong.  Except no one wants me.  So I can't. 

And this, my friends, this is where I am tonight.  On one hand, I am excited and fully believe and expect the fact that God has huge prosperous plans for me.  But the scary thought is this:  God has huge plans for me.  But, will those plans prove this horrible thought right or wrong?  I know that I can do things and prosper alone.  And, if this is what God has for me, I know he will give me what I need to do it.  But, just about every ounce of me is scared that I will never experience what a God-centered marriage feels like.  That no man will ever see the woman that God created me to be.  I am fearful that I will never experience what it is like to have a husband pray blessings over me.  Obviously, I can and will be if necessary, but I don't want to be the spiritual leader of my home.  I genuinely want to be the wife that God wants me to be.  The helper, not the leader.  I was given a vision once, not going to share what it was, as it is quite personal, but I am so afraid I will never see it happen.  What if what I thought was a God-given dream was in fact Cil just being too optimistic?  Then what?  So, as you read this, whenever you read this, please pray for me.

I really am good.  I am so incredibly thankful for the life free of pain, emotional beatings, and fear of tomorrow.  I am trying to maintain the proper perspective.  I guess I am just a little weary of hearing things that make me question the truthfulness of my friends.  I love uplifting words, but right now, for some insane reason, they just feel empty. 


  1. You are not alone in feeling this way. I don't have any kids, but I battling a similiar inner struggle. It's so easy for me to speak encouragement, blessings, and positivity over someone else, but when it comes to myself? ehhh that's a whole different story!
    Since becoming seperated, I have learned so much about submission and God's design for the husband/wife roles, and how a God-centered marriage is supposed to look like. It absolutely breaks my heart to think I may never get to put into practice those things with man whose last name I share right now. I can't distinguish between the dreams I think that I put in my heart and what God put in there. I actually talked to Chris tonight for an hour for the first time in three weeks and feeling absolutely broken in every way. It's really hard to think that might not be what God wants for the future, but we just have to pray that He would fill that void in our hearts and lay to rest that longing until He wants it to be awakened and that any lack in our self-esteem and faith would be made whole in Him. I'm really not sure if any of this helps or makes sense so you'll have to forgive me..I literally have spent the last few hours crying myself sick. I know we have crossed pathes for a reason and even though you may not see it, you have really helped me get through the last couple months.

  2. I am so sorry you are struggling right now. It is so incredibly difficult to sometimes walk down the path of God slamming shut doors. However, if He shuts them, He will always open another. He will not leave you hanging or alone. Ever. I hate to think that I had to end a marriage in divorce. However, I am finally beginning to see myself, and I realize how incredibly lost I was. I had no clue the damages that were being done to my emotional, spiritual, physical and mental well-being, as well as the damages it was doing to the girls seeing me be treated that way.

    My personal struggle is that God took that desire from me a few months back. Although I never wanted to live alone, I definitely was content to wait. Now, as I sit here, looking back over the last little while, I just wish I could understand what God is up there doing.

    I will say this. I have no doubt about the marvelous things God is doing and is going to do in my life. I know He is the creator of all, none of my struggles, mistakes or disappointments surprise him. I guess my fear is in the future. Will the desires of my heart be fulfilled as I really want them to be, or will God have to put different desires in, leaving me single for eternity?

    You completely made sense, and I completely understand everything you said. I have those exact same thoughts and concerns. I am so thankful that I have helped, although I am not sure exactly how. :) You and your positively stunning smile have made my day, more than once. You are a blessing to me!