I don't even know what to say or how to say what I am feeling right now. I am praying that as I start to write, my feelings and thoughts will pour from me and I will get some relief from silly life battles.
While we had a good week last week, it was long. Routine is still trying to be put back together; girls are cranky; Momma a little stressed. It is weeks like this that I tend to look backward and wish this were that and that were this. Sometimes, it is easier to plug in what I have learned into what should've been, but even rewinding and doing it over, I still wouldn't come out ahead.
The girls came home from their weekend away last night. Not sure what took place over the weekend, or what the difference was, but none of us slept last night. Laying in bed, sandwiched between a few of my favorite girls, I lay wide awake wondering why they were so afraid to sleep. Nightmares started the night out, then aches and pains, then being scared of the dark, and a variety of other things. They were restless and anxious. I wanted to fix it and couldn't do a single thing to help.
And, I learned something. I can't change it. I can't even learn how to handle it. I just know God isn't going to let me go down. I am tired and weepy today, from a nasty allergy attack and little sleep, it will be a miracle if I make it through the day without crying. And yet, I know these stronger than me hands are going to hold me up, regardless of what comes my way. I can do this, I will do this, and I will have the strength to do it well. These things, I completely know and believe.
Walking it out on days like this is a totally different story though. I want to give up. I want to walk away, admit defeat and forget about all of those amazing promises I have been given. I want to pour all of my hope and trust into something I can see and feel, and still, I know that isn't the right answer either. Something I can see and feel is bound to let me down and disappoint eventually. I know turning around, giving up, throwing in the towel, not finishing this thing would mean this battle would be for nothing. And, I don't want it to be for nothing.
Not sure what else to say. I am not turning around, or letting all of my experiences stop me from getting to my future. I know that God does have a plan, and luckily, I can't see it. I am sure if I could, the final destination would just stress me out further. While it is difficult, I know that God has me and the girls taken care of. I know that I am ready to quit waiting and start moving, but it is a process, and as I was reminded over the weekend, waiting is an action, too. :)