So, I sit here in the midst of the most beautiful chaos ever. The girls are happily (quite loudly, but...) playing dollhouse in front of me. They are chattering, imagining, dreaming. And, this is my happy place. I love to watch them dream. I love to watch them play, knowing that nothing could steal their joy. I love this part of being a mom. Knowing that dinner hasn't even been started, homework still needs to be done, and my camping to-do list is growing by the second, and yet just knowing the girls are happy. Nothing can stop their dreams, change their fantasies, or bring them down. I sit here and wonder to myself, what would I do if... What would I do if I knew I would succeed? What would I say if I knew I would be accepted? Would I share my heart if I knew it wouldn't be broken? What things would I change if I knew it would turn out okay? What chances would I take if I knew failure was not an option? What if??? I am sure these are all questions we ask ourselves at various points in our lives. It is fun to plan. It is fun to dream, to pretend things aren't really as they seem. Eventually, though, reality comes crashing in and our hopes and dreams get washed back out to sea. Then what?
Do we dare to dream bigger? Or do we sit back in sorrow? Do we trust that God is truly holding us or do we decide our way is better? If I knew my heart's desire would be fulfilled, would I have the courage to ask for it? So many places God tells us to trust him. He tells us our desires are important to him. And then we sit around, bumming that our dreams, our visions, are just too big for God. I am so guilty of longing for things, but knowing my request is selfish. So I don't ask. And why? Am I scared that God will show up, prove he hears me and grant my request? Or am I too afraid to take the first step? To all of that, my answer is yes. I am too scared that God will move in massive ways and that my life will change in ways I could only dream of. I long for things to be just slightly different than they are now, but what if I knew they would turn out for the better? Would I take that step?
This is a totally silly thought, but I think that it proves my point well. Thousands upon thousands of people know they could win millions through the lottery. A simple act of walking into a gas station, paying a small fee, and waiting for the numbers to be drawn could change any person's life. But, in order to win, you must play. How often do we want something, but feel like we aren't worthy or deserving? How often do we say this would be nice or that would be great or I really really want this to happen to our friends, but never make our needs or wants known to God? If we knew he would answer us the way we wanted, would we still hesitate?
I have been struggling with something personal for months upon months. Still struggling. Still personal. And, no, this is not where I divulge the information and say God miraculously answered my prayers. But, if I knew God was up there working on it right now, would I be praying differently? Thanking him more often? As much as I hate to say it, yeah, I would. I would be excited. I would be more willing to patiently wait. But, as many understand who have experienced waiting times, the longer the wait, the more discouraged you grow. And, when you do not keep constant communication lines open between yourself and God, it is easy to get angry, bitter, and incredibly frustrated. It is so easy to compare your deeds with anothers and wonder why God chose to bless them with the answer to your prayers instead of you.
And, yet, God didn't call them to live my life. He called me to my life. He didn't call them to do the things I have been told to do. He placed me in specific circumstances so that I could do very specific things. Am I going to live life for me, or am I going to live life for him? What would I do if I knew what tomorrow would hold? What am I going to choose to do with life? Do I choose to take a few steps in obedience or get frustrated that he won't do it all for me? Am I thankful for the things I know he is doing behind the scenes, or impatiently tapping my foot because they aren't happening today?
If I knew I would be accepted, I would step out. I would speak the things on my mind and in my heart. If I knew that good things would come of a risky option, the risk would've already been taken. However, I am learning that I must wait until God says go. When he says it's time to move, I'd better get to moving. And not one second sooner. I don't know if any of this even makes sense to anyone else but me. As if it isn't obvious, I have some choices to make. Choices I am ready to know the answers for. I keep being reminded about the woman in the Bible with the issue of blood. For ten years, she was cut off from civilization because she was unclean. She risked her life, just to touch the hem of Jesus' robe. And Jesus said to her, "Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you're healed and whole." Is this story so in my face because I am wishing I had the courage to take a risk, or because it is time for me to just step out? Luke 19 talks about taking chances, too. Jesus is telling his disciples a story of a handful of men each being given a sum of money, and that they were to invest it however they chose. All but one invested the money in some way, doing their best with what they were given. The one who chose to sit and do nothing was called a fool. In the end, Jesus says something about risking it all and getting more than you ever dreamed of. Play it safe and get nothing but what you started with.
So, what would you risk if you knew nothing could stop you from reaching your dreams? What would you pray for if you knew God was sitting there just waiting for you to ask him and really believe he will do it?