Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Not so random thoughts...

This week (ha, it's only Tuesday!!!) has been a rough one.  And, yet, it has been a great one.  It seems like every single thing possible is out there to get me down, and today it almost worked.  Things are going great, seriously, so why I am struggling so hard, I have no idea.  I guess I see the things others get to do, and I get frustrated.  I forget that some see what I get to do and get frustrated, too.  I really need someone to sit with me, hear me, then kick my butt back into gear.  I have been carrying these cards with me in my purse, in my car, wherever I think I might need them.  Today, they were in my purse that I just switched to.  I don't even know how they got there, because I did not put them there.  Anyway, struggling with a massive headache, the longing to just walk away from the craziness that is my life and wishing it were all different, and this is what I found.  I am enough.  Then, it reminded me that this is the exact reason I made the cards.  It so helped.  Life still feels crazy.  Life still feels like I am not in control, and like I want out of this way of life.  I don't like to feel one way and know there is no way around it, you just have to go through it.  I hate knowing the only way to overcome it is to rely on someone you can't see to help you through, and yet, I love knowing that someone I can't see is here to help me when I can't take another step.

Just a funny concept that has been occurring over and over this summer: Love.  At the beginning of summer, the thought of ooey-gooey love made me wish I could just feel it again.  I am not talking about the love I feel for my kids either.  Really really frustrated me.  And then...  :) 

My happily ever after still didn't arrive.  And, I am great with that.  I know that when it is God's time, it is going to land in my lap.  Kinda like the sky and Chicken Little.  I know it is worth waiting for.  However, God has this frustratingly funny sense of humor.  When I first started this blog, I was in this place where I desperately wanted someone, anyone, to just ask me out.  Life happens, I didn't get what I thought I wanted.  And I am so glad.  Yeah, you read that right.  I am glad it didn't happen.  God knows exactly what I need, and he knew the time wasn't right.  Obviously, he feels the time still isn't right and I am pretty great with that.  But, he had some other plans.  Seriously.  The concept of his truly genuine amazing love was slowly beginning to seep in.

I have some massive baggage.  My biological father loves me.  I know this, deep down.  However, I have not talked to him in probably five years or more.  It makes me sad, and has slightly distorted my view of a father's love.  I am in no way meaning to bash or put him down.  I love him and still pray that at some point, things will be different.  Anyway, getting distracted...  Got married young, and to someone I thought truly loved me.  Again, not putting anyone down, just trying to get to the point, eventually.  I guess to quickly wrap this part up and move on, I find it difficult to fathom how much God loves me, because I have been slightly let down in that department. 

I have been doing this connect group for the summer, and as I am getting ready to wrap it up (can't believe I am saying that!), I am kind of looking back over the last "theme" of the season.  The second time I taught, I pulled the "Loved" name tag.  This means I get the loved verse.  I have to explain why I do or don't feel loved by God, and what I can do to help myself with any struggle.  I read the verse, and look at it often.  The first part goes like this, "My love won't walk away from you..."  And that is honestly as far as I get.  Awesome reminder.  The next time, I was so thankful, because "Loved" showed up on someone else.  I even made the comment that I was thankful someone else got to be "Loved" that night.  So, I sit down, open up my stuff, and there it sits..."Beloved"  We got to talking, and decided to look up the exact definition.  You ready?  I wasn't.  Beloved is a person who is greatly (or dearly) loved.  Cherished.  Yeah, I wanted to sit down and cry.  It was just one of those moments that I sat there, trying to lead this group with no words.  So, I was looking at a few different things, struggling again, and finally reach for my Bible.  I am kinda just flipping through, and it lands on this verse, "And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is."  First, I was taken back, because it says it takes power to understand, and that God wants each of us to have the power to understand exactly how huge his love is for us.  At church, I had a conversation with someone about the book The Shack.  In this book, God is depicted as a woman.  It really got me thinking, if this were true, would I still be struggling with accepting that he loves me for exactly who I am?  Take it one step further, and this reality check really put me into something huge.  The Bible talks about a father's love for his son being so big that the father would do almost anything for the son.  If I switched that verse around just a little, the verse would say something about a mother's love for her daughters.  And, this is terms I can relate to, so the revelation has been enormous.  If God loves me anything close to how much I love my girls, I am loved.  Massively, delightfully, unmistakably loved.  Beyond anything I can even imagine.  And here I was this last weekend, walking through Wal-Mart looking for a lesson plan book for work and I got one more confirmation (as if I needed anything more at this point?).  The notebook just said clearly, I know where love comes from.  John 3:16.  It was almost as forceful as if I had been slapped.  I was being challenged.

I know exactly where love comes from, so why is it that it is so hard for me to accept it and embrace it?  Why is it easier to struggle in my strength than to just simply ask for help?  Why is it so difficult to feel that accepting some one's love is more difficult than running from it? 

I have been such a mix of emotions over the last month.  Trying to wait out life, live it the way I am supposed to, and just know that God's got me.  Every single piece of me is taken care of, nurtured and loved.  Why fight that???

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