Focus: a central point, as of attraction, attention, or activity; to concentrate.
I can't focus. I have this blip of thought, and it races to the next thing, which quickly goes somewhere else. I try to adjust my thoughts to get one thing taken care of, and instead, my focus just goes back to one of several things. Or on to something new. Or something I forgot about. Or that Starbucks has their Pumpkin stuff in. Or that I forgot to go here or there. Or switch loads. Again.
Because of the craziness and chaos I feel right now, I took a break from facebook. I took a break from choosing to allow others to tell me why or how or whatever on what I feel or how I am doing. You can tell me that I am doing great. Or, you can tell me that I am failing horribly. At this point, they all feel pretty much the same. It is so easy for people to give their opinions and thoughts, and I am so incredibly guilty of doing the same thing, without really knowing the who's or what's or why's. But, all of this has left my focus so out of focus I can't even see straight. And, if I were going to be totally honest, that is only the tip of the iceberg, if facebook were an iceberg. I miss it. And, yet, I don't. I don't want my thoughts or opinions to cause others pain. And, when I am in pain, I don't want someone else's prying cause me pain. And, most importantly, I really have got to figure out my facebook settings. No more friends who really aren't friends, especially the secret kind that I didn't even know were there. Ok, really, enough of that...
It has been a whirlwind of a week. I am so so so thankful it is Friday (and yet, it really should be Thursday, because I totally forgot about school yesterday, so homework is still looming over me). And yet, I am sad that it is the weekend. I feel like such a failure as a mom this week. To be totally honest, I feel like a failure as a mom, as a person, as a friend, as everything. Failure is looming in front of me, beckoning me to just quit fighting and give in. It dances all around me, taunting, teasing, reminding me of my inabilities. And, it really makes me really, really, really, really mad. I want to stick my tongue out at failure and shout that failure can, well, I better not say that. :)
I look around me and am in this state of being overwhelmed. I want to share my thoughts, and yet, I feel like I can't. I hate this, because I don't even know how to work through emotion I have never experienced. And, I really know none of this is making sense. I am rambling, can't even stay focused with writing.
I was straightening up last week or the week before, or maybe even, well, I don't know when it was. That really isn't the point. I came across one of the leftover name tags from my connect group. This particular name tag was attached to a card, with a message inside. I had forgotten about it and had set it aside, but it held something inside that I needed this week. I wish I had carried it with me, because in every single moment of failure, weakness and wishing I had the courage to give up I should have looked at it. I was created to do great things, not fail. I was created for a specific purpose, having to walk through only the experiences God knew would enable me to do those great things. I will not drown, I will not be defeated. I just have to keep walking, and less looking back.
Several weeks ago, I was really frustrated with my lack of courage regarding so many circumstances. And, it made me realize how my past is my past, but it is still leaking into my future. I do not want my feelings or emotions used against me, so I don't speak up. And, right now, I am kicking myself. I do not want my past to become who I am. I want to be that person that you look at and say, "Wow. God is so in charge of her life. Look at where she was and where she is now. No fears of the future, no scars, no baggage." You know, that whole Proverbs 31 woman? I want to be that. I want a husband that can trust me, that I can bring value to. I want to be wise and strong. I believe it is 31:25 that talks about being clothed in strength and dignity, and laughing without fear of the future. That is what I am talking about. I want to feel so safe and secure, I want to trust God so much that I can laugh, without fear of what is around the corner. I want to just know. And, in my head, that woman knows how to confront fear of rejection and say, "Move outta my way. I got something to do, and you are not slowing me down."
And, right now, even single, I am just not cutting it. I lay in bed at night reminding myself that if I can't get it together alone, I will never survive another relationship. I love my girls. I love them tremendously. I feel so thankful that they love me, and feel so safe and stable they share so much with me. Their thoughts are so random, sometimes causing me to laugh to the point of tears. This week, I experienced the opposite. Sara made a comment to me that has gone through my head about a million times. It was the perfect way to start my week. Not. I know in her mind, I am a safe outlet to vent to. And, really, I want her to know she can say anything to me and still be loved by me. But, I left a bad situation, because I was no longer a person. My thoughts, opinions, wants, and feelings weren't allowed to exist without repercussions. I was an object. Someone to clean, cook, and keep the kids quiet. I paid what bills could be paid, and shut up when I had nothing left. I did not exist until something wasn't done, or something more was needed.I did my best to be frugal, and thought I did the whole "wife" thing well. It turns out, I am the only person thinking that. And, while I am totally okay with that, I am not okay with my 7-year-old reminding me of my inadequacies because she feels safe to speak her mind. And, unfortunately, the things weighing on her mind right now are difficult for me to deal with. Things my own insecurities keep pouring over me, that I really don't need her reminding me, too. My heart wants to write it all out, process it, get the thoughts of those I love. And yet, my mind tells me to shut it all in, because I am afraid she will be right. I know God has it figured out. He promised me something I am clinging to right now. However, I am finding it more difficult to wonder if I heard him wrong.
I experienced a phone call this morning in the middle of a near meltdown. Let me clarify, a momma meltdown, not a child meltdown. I thought this whole thing was almost hysterically funny, given the fact that I had been praying that God show me how to have more faith. The phone call regarded me speaking about faith. Yeah, I have taken a few leaps of faith. And, I have never fallen. I have never been fatally wounded. And, I can laugh and experience joy and happiness. God's got my back. However, I will admit, His sense of humor is almost unbearable. He's got this. And, because of that, I know that really, I do too.
I have been really running quite a bit lately. Stress makes me feel crazy, the running helps more than anyone could ever understand. Lately, during my runs, it is so hard for me to think about anything but life around me. I have been pushing the girls while I run, and hearing their early morning giggles makes my heart overflow with gratitude. It didn't have to be this way. It could have been so much different. As the days go by, more and more leaves crunch under my feet. While I do not like cold weather, I love fall. I love the colors, smells, and family gatherings that come with it. As I have been running, I just feel so close to God. Like he is running right there next to me, reminding me if I can keep on when it hurts, I can keep walking this out. Gently pushing me forward when 105 pounds of girls and strollers makes me want to turn around. Taking my hand, not leaving me, but strengthening me, both physically and spiritually. It makes me want to just keep going. Like Forrest Gump. Like seriously, just not stop. God is so consuming when I am out there. I don't understand what I am doing wrong, that I can't feel Him like that anywhere else. I long for the closeness I feel there to follow me home. Yes, there are moments, but it just isn't the same. It's like I want to be outside, walking, running, biking whatever, just so that I can get away from life and take a few minutes to enjoy this huge masterpiece God created for us to live in.
I know I am still not focusing well on one subject or another. It all still feels jumbled and crazy. Maybe that is just part of this path I am walking. Progress has been made, though. I don't miss my past. I don't want a single part of it back. The good times or the bad. I want the good to stay good, and the bad to just leave me with the lessons they taught me, so I can keep looking forward, focused on where I am heading, not where I have left.