I wish I felt the freedom to write what was going on in my head and in my heart fully, without consequence. I don't, and that is probably a great thing. I am overwhelmed with drama, emotion and honestly, I am a little over it. I have enough stress and complications right now I don't feel like I can add any more.
I have been struggling immensely with some trust issues. In my life, I have experienced enough let down to not fully trust people. Not a big deal, and there are a few I do trust completely, but it is an issue. I am aware. It is on my "to change" list. I do know it isn't going to be in my strength, either. It is easier to not trust and expect those around me to disappoint, than to realize I can trust and depend on someone other than me, and every once in a while end up disappointed, instead of every time.
I was not so gently reminded of something this morning, by one of my girls. This painful reminder rocked my world, hurt me to my core, and sucked air out of my lungs. Literally. It would have been easier to have been punched in the face or stabbed through my chest. I do know two things: 1) the words were not true, even if they look like it in the present moment and 2) her words were not her own. I am not sure if she was repeating something she heard, or making an excuse for why she said it. If you are reading this and feel the need, please pray for this daughter of mine. I wish I could protect her from the pain she is feeling, and the reasons behind lashing the pain out at me.
I do not want to bash. I do not want to criticize or put down. I do not want to hold resentment in my heart or in my mind. So, I won't. I do not understand, and have found myself praying several times for understanding and wisdom. In a moment of complete weakness last night, I asked for help.
While what I received was exactly what I needed, it was a difficult pill to swallow. I know no one knows my inner thoughts except me, but it was eerily the same thing I had been thinking. Parts of me wish I could undo the asking, while other parts of me are thankful I asked, because the whole thing has really been on my mind today. Proverbs 3:5-6 is what was recommended to me, and grabbing the first Bible (my bright pink Message, what else? ) I saw, I opened it up. It read, "Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst; your wine vats will brim over. But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline; don't sulk under his loving correction. It's the child he loves that God corrects; a father's delight is behind all this."
I am just going to quickly run down how this played in my stubborn, strong-willed head. No anger or resentment as of this moment, but it took a few hours before I could accept what I needed to accept. You see, I saw this pin on pinterest that said, "The truth will set you free... but first it will tick you off." Well, actually, it said something slightly different. But, I really am not cool with repeating that in a public place. Anyway, it is totally me. I have no problem accepting truth, except the part where I accept it without problems or anger or tears. And, last night, there was pretty much all three happening in my quiet spot. :) The words were so what I needed. First, I am having great enormous difficulties because I feel like God has shown me a few things, and yet, a little over two years later, I feel like none of it has happened. I know in a few years I will look back and see the baby steps on the path to getting where I am going, but it is hard to maintain this belief and hope when you feel like you are getting no results. Yeah, I know, that is probably the definition of trust. (Actually, the definition of trust is the reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc. of a person or thing; confidence.) Second, I have several issues going on with the girls, myself and a few other things, and I just want to figure out the answers. To everything. Right now. But, I am learning, me figuring out the answers does not equal me being dependent on God for direction. It isn't both. It is one or the other. Be dependent on God or rely solely on Cil. And, when put that way, this whole post seems silly. :) While I am aware of where I feel God is leading me and what he is telling me to do, I have found myself trying to hide my thoughts and wants from him. I don't know why, but it is like I am afraid to fully ask and believe that God can do this. I am so afraid of being disappointed or hurt later that I just don't want to risk it. I know this is not what God wants of me, but it is where I am. I want to run, all the time. Run away from these things that I feel like are attacking all the time, run from the burdens of mommy-hood, run until I literally can't run anymore. It is a really good thing my longest run without stopping for a walk is 3.1 miles. I wouldn't get far enough away to do myself any good. So, I stay. I smile. I pretend like I have it all together. And, I just totally revealed my secret. Don't judge. It isn't nice....
Anyway, in the midst of the breath-sucking impact of this verse, I started to get a little angry. I know this is really just the way I process life. I hear something good for me, it upsets me, I talk/write/pray it out, and it changes a little part of me. It is good. But, at the same time, I wish it were different. I wish I could just wholeheartedly accept the truth, without it making me mad or hurt first. I am not sure I will ever get there. However, I was so gently reminded not to resent God's discipline. Such sweet, soft words. God loves me enough to remind me I have to let go of my fear and worry and just trust him. He can't work the miracles when I won't let go.
Now that I feel totally vulnerable and emotional, I am calling it a night. This is all a process. I get that. I am honestly thankful for that. When I think back to the person I was last year, I am amazed. And, that post really is coming... :)