Almost November

Was thinking last night that I felt the urge to write.  It was almost 11pm, and there was no way I was getting out of my warm snuggly spot to get my laptop.  The sudden urge took me by surprise, because obviously, I haven't written in almost a month.  When did September become October, and October run into Halloween time?  If I am not careful, I will blink wrong and Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here.  Where did this month go?

And, seriously, what a month.  The girls and I had an amazing trip away.  I have never felt so blessed and loved in my life.  Just knowing that God had answered my prayer for a short trip away in such a different way blew my mind.  So thankful He hears prayers, even those that aren't necessarily needs.  Funny how something so simple made me realize how much He hears me and loves me in spite of my failings.  In spite of my frustrations, my inabilities, and my weakness.  He loves me.  He hears me.  He blesses me.  And not with millions (haha, or even thousands) of dollars, but in the simplest ways.  Like the sun peaking through fall colored leaves on the green way.  Like laughter of two little girls filling up water bottles with dog food.  Like steam coming out of a cup of pumpkin spice coffee.  Like homemade chicken noodle soup and warm cookies right out of the oven.  Small things, yes, but so thankful.  I am capable of feeling life's greatest blessings without extravagant sources of money.  And, silly as it is, I am so thankful for that.  The silly things we can be thankful for far outweigh the luxuries of a rich person.  Seriously.  :)

Let me just say, the girls and I had the best time.  They experienced jacuzzi baths with more bubbles than I will willingly admit to pouring into the tub.  Jess was almost lost the first time.  Their laughter was such precious therapy for me.  We stayed in a cabin that was secluded enough to make me feel away from civilization, but in all reality, the next cabin was less than 20 feet away; it was less than 10 minutes away from the main stretch.  Kroger was 5 minutes away, three gas stations less than 3 minutes away.  This seclusion was a much needed illusion.  We enjoyed a few sunsets in a porch swing on the wrap-around porch, early morning snuggles in a king-size bed, and checkers by the lit fireplace.  And, yes, I feel like I could write an amazing ad for the cabin.  It was just that perfect.  Well, aside from the jacuzzi tub in the bedroom.  With mirrors.  That was a little more than I bargained for, but the girls thought it was funny that someone could do their makeup while taking a bath.  Thank God for innocence.  We were fortunate to be able to do a few things while we were there, and for that I am so thankful. 

We saw bears.  Real live black (or brown??) bears.  Lots of them.  Sara and I spotted a mama bear and her three babies.  That was both scary and awesome.  God is so awesome.  Watching her protect her babies was really cool.  Made me realize God put my Mommy instincts in me (lol, and every other female creature on the face of the planet) for an important reason.  No other beings create something inside of them.  No other creation gets to have two hearts beating inside of them, nor feel the connection like a Mom gets to.  It was amazing.  No wonder I feel the fierce need to protect these little girls like I do. 

It was so funny, because we went, and I was so ready to get away from life.  And, yet life is exactly what we were doing up there.  We took walks through woods.  We laughed over tree stumps in the middle of the dirt path.  We saw hundreds of squirrels, at least a dozen deer, and more bears than I am really comfortable with, I think 7 was the final count.  Thankfully, we had no snake encounters.  We laughed.  We connected.  And, really, none of us were ready to come home.  Packing the cabin up was a difficult emotional journey.  I felt so safe, so capable, so refreshed knowing this life God gave me is exactly what I want, even if it is hard.

I was telling a close friend of the family a little bit about my past last night.  It is really funny, because it was the first time I ever told it without feeling no anger towards the people that hurt me or turned a blind eye to what was going on.  Yes, I feel frustrated at the legal system, and I feel stupid at being so naive and willing to accept that life could be so painful, but the anger towards my ex is gone.  More than anything, I just feel bad for him.  I hate to think that he will never experience the giggles that come from having four bodies snuggled close in the same tiny bed.  I hate to think that he doesn't get the love, the memories and the experiences having three crazy little girls around him all the time.  Makes me sad, because it didn't have to be this way.  But, remembering hurtful times yesterday caused me no tears, no regret, and no anger for the first time ever.  It feels good to know my past is no longer my present or my future.  My past no longer controls my heart, my decisions or who I can be.  It is simply my past, and thankful doesn't even begin to express how that makes me feel. 
This morning, despite a rough start, I praised God for my past and who it has made me today.  I thanked Him today for my former life, and the closeness to Him I received for enduring it, one painful moment to the next.  And, I sit here, feeling so peaceful and so loved in spite of life's craziness and lack of someone physically present to love me and live life by my side.  While it is hard to wait for that perfect for me someone, I look around me, and know I will not make the mistake of doing marriage my way ever again.  It is so easy to just know God is up there working my next relationship so that it will be God and God alone.  And, the peace I find in not wondering how I can make it happen surpasses it all.  God is so good. 

And, while we are ready for things to progress, the girls are happy, they are adjusting well.  I feel so blessed I can't even explain.  It feels so liberating to know I am doing this.  I had the moment of realizing how much life passed over me in 2011 without me really mentally present because of so many factors, and how much different my life has been this year because I let my grip cling to someone bigger than my current situation.  I let go of what I thought I needed or wanted, and clung to something I viewed as unstable, and have realized that this "unstable" being is the firmest Rock I have ever stood on.  I am so thankful I am where I am.  I am so thankful I walked a rough road, because I can relate to people.  I wasn't so sheltered that I can't understand how someone could stay with someone who hit you or treated you less than you deserved.  I walked this crazy difficult road, and realize now that God never left me.  Things happened for His glory and His glory alone.  Through it all, his plans for my prosperous future unfolded.  And, my story is coming.  I can feel it starting to pour from my fingertips, ready for the freedom in knowing it is all behind me, and today and tomorrow are already taken care of.  I can feel little parts of me unfolding, stretching towards complete freedom.  And, I can't wait to see how God is going to work through me to help others. 

This post was not at all what I started out to write.  It is funny for me to have a purpose for a post, then it end up completely not what I had planned or thought.  Gotta get back to a massive Lego house, now.  Cassie wants a second floor on her cowgirl castle...