I have this massive urge to just start writing random thoughts and feelings and memories tonight. And for some reason, none of it is flowing. I have started several different posts, trying to explain what I am feeling and thinking and learning, and I delete them. I believe this is the sixth or seventh shot at this. And, if you are reading something, it means I finally got something worth publishing... :)
I am working on something I can't wait to get out there. I thought I would be ready this last weekend. Turns out, it still needs a little tweaking. I am good with that. I have been walking down memory lane a lot lately, rethinking things that could've totally gone differently. And, I have decided I wouldn't trade a single second of any of it. I have realized that God sees me for who I really am. Strong-willed. Stubborn. Rebellious at times. He knew it would take a few hard knocks to get me to see Him. So, here my life is. Sorta full of hard knocks. And yet, amazingly, I have no sense of dread over an uncertain future. Kinda sorta amazingly awesome stuff right there.
I have been battling some emotional issues with Sara. I kept hoping it was her age, and not real issues. I am realizing it is real issues. While I know that some things in life can just happen, and are not intentionally thought out by Satan to trap or trick me, I am learning he does use anything he can for evil. Funny thing is, the God I serve is determined to use those same exact things for good. :) Sara has been having some issues. For respect of her possibly reading this ten years down the road, I will not say what I am thinking, but will stick to the facts. She remembers specific things that she saw when she was too young to be able to put them into words. As she is getting older and seeing things from a slightly more mature perspective, she is starting to grasp the reasons I couldn't stay in the house with her dad. It breaks my heart. I hate to talk about it with her. Really. I don't like to talk about things that went down between the two of us. It really doesn't concern her. Except that she is remembering things that are making her mad at God. And, let me just say, attacking my child is a low blow. Satan better be on guard, cause my Momma bear claws are out. And totally ready to fight. And totally ready and more than capable of winning it. So there.
Turns out, Sara is mad because she has been praying and knows I have been praying for God's direction regarding some situations in our life. I know God's got the situation, and is leading us towards the answer. However, Sara is not quite eight. She doesn't get it why He is ignoring her, and feels like it has been forever since she started asking. And she's a little mad. And, I was too, for a long time. My heart aches that I refuse to do this my way, because my waiting on God for this seems to be increasing her hurt. My heart aches that because I refuse to step away from what God wants, this thing goes "ignored" in her life. I am realizing that Satan is totally attacking her, and in attacking her, it is causing me to wonder the same things. Worry and discontentment are contagious, wretched feelings. It is hard to get them under control as an adult, and when I don't have the answer she wants or is hoping for, it makes it harder for her. We had a heart-to-heart Friday. We had something that renewed her hope for a short time that turned to struggle Saturday. And today, she questioned me. Point blank questioned me. While I am not going to say exactly what she did, I will give a brief overview. She wanted to know why it was so important that I do this thing God's way. Why do I keep believing for something when God hasn't done it for a long time? Doesn't God love us? What if His answer is no, or that we weren't good enough for it? Oh. My. Word. Why does being a parent have to be so stinking hard? As a mom, I can sort of see a similar situation. Sara wants a bowl of ice cream right before dinner. It will kill her appetite, causing her to not eat enough of the healthy food she needs to grow and develop properly. So, I tell her to wait. Except, I am a little busy making dinner, keeping her sisters off of the stove, thinking about work tomorrow, updating my facebook status and doing five thousand other things, and I forget to tell her the "just until after dinner" part. So, she gets mad. She thinks I hate her, because come on, if you loved me, you know you would let me enjoy my favorite ice cream right now. And, it is like Sara, or me even, coming to God with a request. His answer is to wait for just a little longer, possibly until just after dinner. Except he knows the hurdles we have to get through first. He knows the meat and veggies He is providing right now are strengthening us for something bigger and so much better ahead of us. Then, instead of overwhelming us with what we have to accomplish first, he blinds us to the details and just asks us to wait, asking us to trust him with our hearts and lives so that he can get everything worked out for us, for just the right moment. And, then, when He is ready, dessert will most definitely be served. On a silver platter, no less.
As I am writing this, I am almost laughing and crying at the same time. It is so funny, because in the last three days, I have had three different things happen that have reminded me that God does in fact have this. This thing is going to be answered for both of us; it is not going ignored. Faith. And, for those of you reading who were with me on Sunday morning, I still struggle. So, I am thinking I am going to take my own advice. First I gotta get my mind ready and armed for this battle. Then, I gotta get Sara in the Word of God. She isn't too young, nor is she incapable of understanding the meaning of faith. Maybe I gotta preach the message one more time, for her and for me. And, for those of you that weren't with me on Sunday morning, the message is coming here, too. Soon. Just gotta work up some courage and do it. Faith and worry cannot go hand in hand. You either trust God to do the things He says He's going to, or you worry that He won't. And when you worry, you have your own distorted control over the situation, and He can't do anything about it, except almost beg you to hand it fully to Him. He will not rip something from your grasp so that He can overpower you to fix it. He just doesn't work that way. But, when we can fully get our grimy little hands off of "it" He joyfully works towards a solution.
And, because these words keep moving and jumping all over the screen, I am leaving this post at that. I know God is going to give me the strength I need to show her what faith looks like. Yes, it is going to be hard. But, I know, without a doubt, in just a short while, I will look back and say, it was totally worth it.