Suddenly Bold

Back a few months ago, I did a talk on faith.  While I was preparing for this short little speech, I was so impressed with Peter walking on the waves.  His faith made me reconsider exactly how much (or more like it, how little) faith I possessed.  I loved thinking about it, pondering the emotions (or maybe it was all testosterone, who knows?) that might have completely surrounded Peter.  My emotions that morning were so amazed by the concept of Peter trusting Jesus enough to excitedly do exactly what was asked.  I was blown away by the trust, the hope and the promise that Peter could in fact do exactly what he wanted to do, because he was so intently focused on Jesus.

Matthew 14:22-33 in the Message is what brought this all about, and I really want to share it...

As soon as the meal was finished, he (Jesus) insisted that the disciples get in the boat and go on ahead to the other side while he dismissed the people.  With the crowd dispersed, he climbed the mountain so he could be by himself and pray.  He stayed there alone, late into the night.  Meanwhile, the boat was far out to sea when the wind came up against them and they were battered by the waves.  At about four o'clock in the morning, Jesus came toward them walking on the water.  They were scared out of their wits.  "A ghost!" they said, crying in terror.  But Jesus was quick to comfort them.  "Courage, it's me.  Don't be afraid."  Peter, suddenly bold, said, "Master, if it's really you, call me to come to you on the water."  He said, "Come ahead."  Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus.  But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his feet, he lots his nerve and started to sink.  He cried, "Master, save me!"  Jesus didn't hesitate.  He reached down and grabbed his hand.  Then he said, "Faint-heart, what got into you?"  The two of them climbed into the boat, and the wind died down.  The disciples in the boat, having watched the whole thing, worshiped Jesus, saying, "This is it!  You are God's Son for sure!"

The morning of my talk, the phrase in this passage that spoke so desperately to me was that Peter jumped out of the boat.  No hesitation, no weighing what the options were, no doubting the churning waves under foot, he just jumped out of the boat.  A month or so back, a dear friend mentioned this same passage, but placed emphasis on a completely different phrase.  I was struggling with something I felt God was leading me to do, and terrified that I would be out of His plan for my life.  I wanted to do what He wanted me to do, not think He wanted me to do something because I wanted it.  She reminded me that Peter had to have been terrified, too, because it says Peter was suddenly bold.  She told me that my disobedience needed to become suddenly bold and do what God had asked of me because my disobedience could be hindering someone else's obedience.  Needless to say, I tried to do what was asked.  Tried being the key word, because I chickened out.  I decided I must have misunderstood what God wanted from me.  I hate how remembering back makes me realize I pretty much told God I knew better than Him.  However, I am thankful that I see the lesson I needed to learn. 

Anyway, re-reading it for possibly the hundredth time since then, I am hit by so many thoughts and phrases throughout this passage.  First, this miracle was performed immediately following 5,000 people being fed by five loaves of bread and two fish.  And not several days later, but immediately following.  This part stuns me, because it has left me tonight with hope.  One miracle might be immediately following another.  God's timing is perfect, and He knows exactly what tomorrow holds. 

Secondly, these disciples at first assumed the worst.  These men were the men closest to Jesus, getting to know more than the typical person.  And, they assumed the worst, instead of assuming it was Jesus.  Really, though, how typical it is for us to automatically assume the sky is coming down around us and our world is coming to an end.  Instead of placing their trust in Jesus, they placed humanly fears in the explainable.  Well, as explainable as a ghost is anyway...

Jesus immediately provides them comfort and soothes their fears.  Without fail and without asking, Jesus calls out, reminding them not to be afraid or confused, He was with them. Their boat would not sink, the waves would not send them going in circles, but instead the he was there, he was in control, and they were safe. 

And, then Peter, suddenly bold, asks to walk on the water with Jesus.  First, he had to become suddenly bold.  He didn't just automatically have the nerve, he wasn't overly courageous, but instead suddenly bold.  Trusting, asking and receiving, knowing if Peter asked, Peter would receive.  And, upon being given permission, propels himself without abandon out of the boat.  Seem a little over dramatic?  Uh, yeah, however, how many of us would just throw ourselves over the side of the boat into crashing waves?  Not very many. 

And then, Peter lost his nerve.  Yup.  So like me.  I get direction, start the process, and lose my nerve.  And, just like He did Peter, Jesus rescues me, without question or hesitation every time I ask him to.  And, tonight, I feel like God is asking me, "Faint-heart, what has gotten into you?"  I know what He told me to do, and tonight, instead of doubting my ability,  I jumped in.  Instead of looking at the waves and sinking down, upset and doubting, I am gonna remind those waves exactly who my God is, and know He will have the victory, whatever it may be.  The thoughts have hit whether or not suddenly bold was enough, whether it was Peter's quick feet or his ability to remember who to ask for help that saved him from drowning.  My wind and waves will die down, and His plans for me are still the same. 

As the story plays over and over in my head, I am reminded that the very same trust, hope and faith present in Peter needs to be fed in me, and without circumstances to strengthen my trust, it will grow weak.  I gotta remember who I am walking towards, instead of focusing on the waves crashing underneath me, bringing new hope every day.  If only I could remember to quit looking down, but instead up to the one where the ultimate source of help, direction and healing come from.  That said, I gotta turn this brain off for a night...   

Christmas Miracles

You know, I am sure you know, it is Christmas.  Or almost Christmas.  Or blink four times and sneeze twice and it will be all over and it will no longer be Christmas, but a new year.  I have been in such a funk over it, too.  Not sad or depressed, just not feeling the excitement.  It is so easy to get caught up in the thoughts.  This one wants that, that one wants this, I have no idea about what to do for so-and-so...  Presents have been bought, stockings have been hung, lights are twinkling all over my house, and the girls daily remind me how many sleeps we have left before Santa gets here. 

Christmas lists keep revising, priorities changing, wishes revealed.  Sara and I had an interesting conversation that has left me in a state of complete confusion and complete amazement, that for once, I truly don't have an answer for her, and know Santa isn't coming through with her wish.  It's funny how we teach our children to become mature young people, with the goal of getting them through school and into adulthood without too much drama or failure, all the while almost refusing to allow them to do it on their own.  While it shows she really is growing up (which as an incredible gift, but also sad), it is hard for me to not just write a check, swipe a card or go get that special thing she wants so unselfishly.  This year, she asked for a Daddy who is right for the girls and myself.  Yeah, talk about a lump in my throat that just won't go away.  She gave me her list, and thank God, he was number 2.  I have never been more thankful to be able to provide the first thing, but she said she would gladly give up her toy to have a Daddy in our house, and a good husband for me, too.  Which of course, prompted a second discussion about the differences between a Daddy, a good Daddy, or the Daddy that lives 20 minutes down the road.  Luckily, we have it straightened out some, but every once in a while, I will hear her praying about God giving us someone special.  Gotta admit, as thankful that I am she is looking to the One who will provide abundantly, it tears my heart out.  I want to be able to provide the wishes and longings of my kids.  But, I refuse to step out of God's plan for us to do so.  I am hoping she can see my confidence that God will work this for our good, instead of growing frustrated that His plan isn't happening just yet.  Even more thankful, she understands the difference between bad relationships and good ones, and wants me to find someone new.  There is no anger with her about what could have been.  I am blessed.  Blessed far more than I deserve. 

Jessie asked for something, and I finally purchased it, now she wants a castle.  Yup.  A castle.  And Cassie asked for a pony.  Again.  Third year in a row.  So, we have Prince Charming, a Castle, and the horse to pull the carriage.  Good luck, Santa, I have girls who know what they want, and apparently, it ends a little like Cinderella.  Yeah, and they probably have watched one too many princess movies, so we probably don't need any more of those. 

It is impossible not to feel their enthusiasm, because they are just so innocent and sweet when they tell of an angel coming to Mary, and travelling by donkey and following stars and meeting this precious baby named Jesus.  However, every time they tell me the story, it is impossible for me not to think.  Difficult, dark thoughts of Mary and how terrified she had to have been.  While Jesus was perfect, his earthly parents were human.  So, my mind works something like this...

One: An angel visits an engaged virgin, telling her she was going to have a baby.  Okay, so to be a 14 or 15 year old teenager, and being told you are going to have a baby, and yet, never even understanding what it really takes to make a baby is beyond me.  It is so easy to just sit back and think, she must have been so excited, to be carrying God's son.  But, in my mind??  She was terrified, frantic, doubting her ability, worried about her impending marriage, and wondering what everyone was going to think about how immoral of a person she must be.  For a little while, the pregnancy could be hidden, but eventually, murmuring would begin when she had to go to the market, or when wedding plans were quickly carried out.  The angel's message of Good News had to have felt like complete and total chaos. 

Two: Joseph is a man, no offense, but just a man.  A man who had to have struggled with Mary's news.  I mean, seriously, can you imagine telling your fiance you were pregnant, and oh yeah, God is the father??  Unbelievable.  Talk about doubt, anger, and then debating on whether or not to go through with marrying this woman who claims the impossible.  All that, after she is conveniently out of town visiting with Elisabeth.  Only to be told shortly before the birth that he must marry Mary, because she was in fact, telling the truth?  Can you imagine how horribly he felt?  The guilt, then the overwhelming reality that he had to shoulder the responsibility of being the earthly father to a son who already knew the Heavenly Father on such an intimate level?  Humbling, absolutely humbling.

Three:  And honestly, one of the most uncomfortable things to think about.  This enormously long ride on a donkey.  I am sure, in the middle of this major miracle, Mary had to be thinking, "Are you kidding me???"  Or I would be thinking that.  And complaining.  And whining.  And, at some point, I am pretty sure tears and tantrums might have been included.  Nine months pregnant, balancing precariously on the back of a donkey.  For days.  Not just a ride around the block, or just a few minutes away, but a long journey.  I can honestly say, my human mind would've been seriously doubting the plan God had carried out or even maybe wondering if the angel was really an illusion, a hallucination in the middle of wedding planning stress. 

Four:  The stable.  I know that it seems really cool to think about the Holiest of all, humbling Himself to be born in the lowliest of places, but put yourself in Mary's shoes.  First, no rooms anywhere with a real bed.  Second, contractions may be starting, or at least intermittently happening.  Third, the stench that hits you in the face when you walk into any room where animals are housed.  This is where it really starts to hit me.  A teenage mom, unplanned pregnancy, unplanned "vacation," going into labor in the middle of a barn.  With animals watching.  And a man who has never "known" you that way.  First, there is a part of labor that my mom has had to give me this speech.  Every single one of my girls was born because my mom reminded me I had to keep going, despite the pain and the fear and the incredible desire for the contractions to stop so that I could go home, I had to keep going, and after all, I could do this because I had to do this.  What was Mary going to do without her mom there to keep her focused on the miracle that was taking place?  Did she lay there, smelling animals and all their nastiness, wondering where this miracle was going to happen?  Did she see the manger and dread having to give birth because that was the only place she could lay her little prince? 

Five: The birth.  You know, the Bible tells us that angels were sent to shepherds, wise men were guided by a star.  But, it never mentions angels being with Mary and Joseph.  It never says they were comforted, put at peace, or okay with any of the events taking place.  Do you think they were just so thankful to be a part of this huge miracle, or do you think they were wondering if it was even a miracle at all?  As first time parents, most of us plan and dream and just have this picture perfect plan of how it is going to be.  I am sure when an angel says, "Mary, you are going to have a son, who will be called Jesus.  He is truly the Son of God, and he will be yours," she wasn't thinking about how awesome of a mom she was going to be.  I am sure she was thinking, "Me? I can't do this.  I don't have a big enough house, enough riches or the beauty to be the mother to the Son of God."  No offense to Mary, but as a woman, I am pretty sure every single woman alive would feel those same things.  I am sure Mary didn't plan on getting pregnant before she was married, even more so, getting on a donkey and travelling any distance at all, then, to top it all off, having their reservation lost and having to bed down in a stable somewhere, because only one man out of hundreds took pity on their situation.  We don't tell stories of the angels proclaiming his birth to Mary or Joseph, and it seems as though they were alone.  Giving birth is not a modest act.  In fact, most women who give birth today have intricate birthing plans, with suites, hot tubs and air conditioning for transition.  It isn't something I would willingly do in front of someone who I wasn't legally bound to, to be honest.  I mean, rings and wedding vows sorta bind the man to the woman regardless of what takes place in the birthing room.  But Mary?  She hadn't gotten herself in this position the normal way.  They hadn't adjusted to each other, nor had they become comfortable with their spouse, they way couples do after being married for a little while.  And, here they were, Joseph having to help her in ways that Mary would've probably preferred someone else to do the job.  And, in the midst of all of this, don't you imagine, the miracle might not be so obvious?  The miracle might almost feel like you had done something horribly wrong, and were being punished in a very mortifying, humbling sort of way.

And yet, the miracle was there.  In the midst of the pain, in the midst of the fear, in the midst of it all, the miracle was minutes from being born.  The miracle, the Savior to the world, was only minutes away from being born so that each of us could experience him in ways no one previously had experienced him.  Jesus was born, protected, loved and raised to fulfill this huge miraculous plan.  God knew the obstacles, He knew the chaos, He knew the exact moment Jesus would enter the world, and exactly where this miracle would occur.  It is moments like this that I am blown away by the way God works.  Mary and Joseph were bound to feel a little clueless, frustrated by their circumstance, maybe even angry their plans were cancelled, because God called them to do something different.  Aren't we all the same way?  We all long to be a part of something bigger, but only if we can still remain in control of the how's and the when's. 

We all get up, go to work, eat, pay bills and go on from day to day.  We deal with blown out tires, batteries that won't start, bickering kids, anger at spouses, or longing for someone to eventually marry so we can be angry at our spouses, too.  We walk this life out, wondering when our miracle is going to happen.  We get so lost in looking for this miracle that we fail to see the miracle that is surrounding us on a daily basis.  Yeah, so our plans get a little messed up, our paths are completely crooked and crazy, but God still has this miracle that we, as humans, are completely blind to, because we are not God, nor do we understand how massively huge his plans for us are.  Because we, in our stupidity, think we aren't capable or worthy or enough to be part of a miracle.  And, oh, how wrong we are. 

While we sit and we moan and groan about the why's and why not's and when's and how come's, God is sitting back, probably chuckling, saying, "Hello??  Can you not see the miracles that are surrounding you?"  As I sit here, completely venting at the inability to give Sara and myself something we both would love, I realize, this is an opportunity for at least a miracle or two.  One, a lesson to wait on God, His miracles will always outdo my own.  Two, a lesson on asking, being patient and praying for His strength and courage in every situation.  And three, being thankful for the miracles I am in the middle of and yet am totally unable to see.  Wherever you are tonight, regardless of how great or how low your life is right this second, just remember, you cannot see your paths, but God can.  And I am pretty sure it contains at least a miracle or two. 

Ups and Downs

Not really sure what about the winter season that makes my emotions so intense. I hate to publicly admit this, but I fear my tear ducts are gonna dry up from overuse. I'm so blessed and so thankful for the gifts I've been given. It leaves me overwhelmed with so many emotions. Happiness at the promise of new things, fresh beginnings, blessings surrounding me and God being first in my life. Sadness that I feel like I have lost so much in the last couple of years. I have alternated between happy and sad tears so often lately, my poor mind doesn't know if I'm coming or going.

I have moved out of my Thanksgiving state of mind and into the next cold season. While I love watching the leaves change color, I hate the dreariness of naked trees, gray skies and early nights. So thankful that twinkling lights are coming out, brightening the darkness for a little while. I'm ready to get in the kitchen and start baking and baking and baking. I have found this absolute love for cooking, this release I get when a meal tastes ten times better than I remember it. I used to sort of enjoy cooking, but I have realized, I am actually g pagood at it and really like it. Thank God, too, cause we gotta eat...

in the midst of tears, I find such incredible joy about what this season represents. I love knowing people are more open to hearing about the birth of our Savior. I mean, seriously, who doesn't like to think about snuggly newborn babies in all their newborn awesomeness? People are in high spirits, getting ready for giving gifts, spreading joy and seeing their families. It is a joyous time of year.

This morning, though, I wish I could just pull the covers over my head, and wake up to springtime. I know in a little bit, this will pass, and I will be excited and ready for this season. My halls are decked, the stockings are hung, and I feel empty. It's crazy, but there are so many unknowns this year. I think uncertainty is stealing my joy, and I have got to take it back. Maybe something warm and smelly will take care of that. And definitely some praise and worship. :)

The Wind and the Waves

I am gonna start by saying I love knowing what I do is important.  I love knowing I do have a purpose in my life, even if it is for a season.  I love seeing kids excited to see me, and more than that, I love hearing 18 kids scream "Jesus!" at the tops of their lungs.  Let me say, seeing their enthusiasm and trust in God never ceases to remind me of how simple loving and trusting him in all things is.  I mean, sure, the biggest worry on their mind is whether or not they will get seconds on veggie straws, or whether their drink will be purple or red, but still.  It is so simple, so easy.

Tonight, I taught a simple lesson on Jesus calming the storm for the disciples.  "Oh ye of little faith'" kept pouring through me.  So much so, I finally had to remind myself I have enough faith, and that when it fails me, grace takes over.  I was teaching the kids that Jesus and his disciples often travelled by boat to get someplace, because their only other source of transportation was donkey or feet.  So, we quickly checked the skies for signs of storms, and boarded our "boat."  We rowed out to the middle of the lake, we were enjoying our journey, and then, the winds picked up.  The clouds rolled over the sun, the sky got dark.  Then, it started to rain.  Yeah, really.  Wind, rain and dark.  In the classroom.  The kids loved it.  And, hearing their giggles and screams and enthusiasm made my entire day.  Anyway, standing their, turning the fan up and down, spritzing them with spray bottles of water, I was reminded of how much God does the same thing.  He watches me board this boat of mine, setting out to do these remarkable things.  Haha, or even not so remarkable, just everyday things, and its like He says, "Ok, Cil, whatcha gonna do with a little wind?  That didn't get you down, so let's try some dark times...  Oh, well, that didn't work, so lets add some waves and lots of rain."  And, the kids?  They laughed.  I wasn't exactly sure what the reaction would be, and honestly, I was a little nervous.  I didn't know if any were scared of the dark, or if they would freak out getting rained on.  But, don't you know that God is sitting up there, doing pretty much the same thing?  No, he doesn't order evil or condemnation in my life.  But, he will see how I can handle certain storms.  The disciples finally found Jesus, sound asleep, in the midst of complete chaos, and felt frustration because of his lack of concern.  The men reprimanded Jesus, King of kings.  Prince of peace.  Can you imagine?  Immediately, Jesus stands up and utters a short command.  Three words.  Three.  No long drawn out command.  Just a simple phrase.  "Peace.  Be still."  And, the winds and waves obeyed the Master and died down.  Astonished at the cowardly behavior of the men, he questions them, " Why are you so afraid?  Do you still have no faith?" 

Sometimes, this teacher gets more out of the lesson than her students.  It was so easy to read this story this afternoon, getting so judgemental against the disciples for questioning Jesus about his nap.  I mean, seriously, Jesus wants to nap, my goodness, let the man nap!  The Message version says it like this "Is it nothing to you that we are going to drown?"  And it hit me hard tonight.  How many times have I cried out, "Lord, do you not see this situation?  Do you not care?  I feel abandoned by you, where in this world are you?"  And, my questioning is no different than the disciples concern.  So, telling this story to the kids, I had such a hard time not choking up.  Who are we to question what His intentions are?  Why do we feel like we need to know what He is up to?

Sitting here tonight, I am so in awe of the God I serve.  I mean, this massively awesome Creator knows where every single sparrow is right now.  Why would he not care about me?  For a long time, I turned away from God's unconditional love.  I served him,  I worshipped him, I loved him.  But, I couldn't receive his love within me.  For so many years, I knew how undeserving I was to receive any portion of his love.  How unworthy, how worthless I was as a human being.  These beliefs were so constant in me, I couldn't fathom the God of the universe genuinely loving me.  And then.  I think about it, and I just want to cry out with praise that I finally get it.  I believe it.  And, thank God, I receive it.  Nothing I can do will ever deserve it.  I will never be worthy of it.  But, that is where the faith starts moving in.  His love is here, in me, regardless.  He can say to my waves, crashing around me, "You ridiculous waves, disastrous winds, get out of her way.  She is my daughter, and you are bothering her, impeding her journey.  Just stop." And, that hurricane-like storm will have NO choice but to move.  So, who am I to ask God, "Do you see me down here?"  The simple answer is that He does see me.  And this storm in my sea has the most amazing peace in the midst.  Waves gently lapping at the boat, dolphins jumping out in the horizon, sunset remarkable shades of colors I can't even describe.  It might take some heavy paddling, some scooping up water out of my boat, and waves crashing in around me to get there, but it is so gonna be worth it.  So, when my world seems like I am drowning, all I have to do is say, "Master.  Take my hand.  Hold me up.  With you in my boat, I will not drown." 

I am reminded once again of the amazing verse in Isaiah that says, "Don't be afraid.  I've redeemed you.  I've called your name.  You're mine.  When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.  When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.  When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end - Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior.  I paid a huge price for you, all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!  That's how much you mean to me!  That's how much I love you!  I'd sell of the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you."  On days I am really struggling, I will change this verse just for me.  It has been my life-line on days I really thought the world was caving in on me.  I will read it out loud to my reflection in the mirror like this, "Don't be afraid, Cil, I've redeemed you.  I have called you, Cil, because you are mine.  When you, Cil, are in over your head, I will be there with you.  When you, my precious daughter, are in over your head, I will be there with you.  When you're in rough waters, you, Cil, will not go down.  When you are between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end - because I am God, Cil's personal God, the Holy of Israel, Cil's Savior.  I paid a huge price for you, Cil, all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!  That is how much you, Cil, mean to me.  That is how much I love you, Cil.  I would sell off the whole world just to get you back, trade the entire creation just for you." 

I will just say this.  How can you not face whatever battle you are facing with God confidence when you insert your name instead of mine?  It is impossible.  Speak it to yourself in the mirror.  It works.  When I look out at those waves that were threatening to overturn my boat this afternoon, I almost want to laugh.  Who am I to worry about the waves that God controls?  God has this; He has me, sitting right there in the palm of his hand.  What in this world do I have to fear?

Almost November

Was thinking last night that I felt the urge to write.  It was almost 11pm, and there was no way I was getting out of my warm snuggly spot to get my laptop.  The sudden urge took me by surprise, because obviously, I haven't written in almost a month.  When did September become October, and October run into Halloween time?  If I am not careful, I will blink wrong and Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here.  Where did this month go?

And, seriously, what a month.  The girls and I had an amazing trip away.  I have never felt so blessed and loved in my life.  Just knowing that God had answered my prayer for a short trip away in such a different way blew my mind.  So thankful He hears prayers, even those that aren't necessarily needs.  Funny how something so simple made me realize how much He hears me and loves me in spite of my failings.  In spite of my frustrations, my inabilities, and my weakness.  He loves me.  He hears me.  He blesses me.  And not with millions (haha, or even thousands) of dollars, but in the simplest ways.  Like the sun peaking through fall colored leaves on the green way.  Like laughter of two little girls filling up water bottles with dog food.  Like steam coming out of a cup of pumpkin spice coffee.  Like homemade chicken noodle soup and warm cookies right out of the oven.  Small things, yes, but so thankful.  I am capable of feeling life's greatest blessings without extravagant sources of money.  And, silly as it is, I am so thankful for that.  The silly things we can be thankful for far outweigh the luxuries of a rich person.  Seriously.  :)

Let me just say, the girls and I had the best time.  They experienced jacuzzi baths with more bubbles than I will willingly admit to pouring into the tub.  Jess was almost lost the first time.  Their laughter was such precious therapy for me.  We stayed in a cabin that was secluded enough to make me feel away from civilization, but in all reality, the next cabin was less than 20 feet away; it was less than 10 minutes away from the main stretch.  Kroger was 5 minutes away, three gas stations less than 3 minutes away.  This seclusion was a much needed illusion.  We enjoyed a few sunsets in a porch swing on the wrap-around porch, early morning snuggles in a king-size bed, and checkers by the lit fireplace.  And, yes, I feel like I could write an amazing ad for the cabin.  It was just that perfect.  Well, aside from the jacuzzi tub in the bedroom.  With mirrors.  That was a little more than I bargained for, but the girls thought it was funny that someone could do their makeup while taking a bath.  Thank God for innocence.  We were fortunate to be able to do a few things while we were there, and for that I am so thankful. 

We saw bears.  Real live black (or brown??) bears.  Lots of them.  Sara and I spotted a mama bear and her three babies.  That was both scary and awesome.  God is so awesome.  Watching her protect her babies was really cool.  Made me realize God put my Mommy instincts in me (lol, and every other female creature on the face of the planet) for an important reason.  No other beings create something inside of them.  No other creation gets to have two hearts beating inside of them, nor feel the connection like a Mom gets to.  It was amazing.  No wonder I feel the fierce need to protect these little girls like I do. 

It was so funny, because we went, and I was so ready to get away from life.  And, yet life is exactly what we were doing up there.  We took walks through woods.  We laughed over tree stumps in the middle of the dirt path.  We saw hundreds of squirrels, at least a dozen deer, and more bears than I am really comfortable with, I think 7 was the final count.  Thankfully, we had no snake encounters.  We laughed.  We connected.  And, really, none of us were ready to come home.  Packing the cabin up was a difficult emotional journey.  I felt so safe, so capable, so refreshed knowing this life God gave me is exactly what I want, even if it is hard.

I was telling a close friend of the family a little bit about my past last night.  It is really funny, because it was the first time I ever told it without feeling no anger towards the people that hurt me or turned a blind eye to what was going on.  Yes, I feel frustrated at the legal system, and I feel stupid at being so naive and willing to accept that life could be so painful, but the anger towards my ex is gone.  More than anything, I just feel bad for him.  I hate to think that he will never experience the giggles that come from having four bodies snuggled close in the same tiny bed.  I hate to think that he doesn't get the love, the memories and the experiences having three crazy little girls around him all the time.  Makes me sad, because it didn't have to be this way.  But, remembering hurtful times yesterday caused me no tears, no regret, and no anger for the first time ever.  It feels good to know my past is no longer my present or my future.  My past no longer controls my heart, my decisions or who I can be.  It is simply my past, and thankful doesn't even begin to express how that makes me feel. 
This morning, despite a rough start, I praised God for my past and who it has made me today.  I thanked Him today for my former life, and the closeness to Him I received for enduring it, one painful moment to the next.  And, I sit here, feeling so peaceful and so loved in spite of life's craziness and lack of someone physically present to love me and live life by my side.  While it is hard to wait for that perfect for me someone, I look around me, and know I will not make the mistake of doing marriage my way ever again.  It is so easy to just know God is up there working my next relationship so that it will be God and God alone.  And, the peace I find in not wondering how I can make it happen surpasses it all.  God is so good. 

And, while we are ready for things to progress, the girls are happy, they are adjusting well.  I feel so blessed I can't even explain.  It feels so liberating to know I am doing this.  I had the moment of realizing how much life passed over me in 2011 without me really mentally present because of so many factors, and how much different my life has been this year because I let my grip cling to someone bigger than my current situation.  I let go of what I thought I needed or wanted, and clung to something I viewed as unstable, and have realized that this "unstable" being is the firmest Rock I have ever stood on.  I am so thankful I am where I am.  I am so thankful I walked a rough road, because I can relate to people.  I wasn't so sheltered that I can't understand how someone could stay with someone who hit you or treated you less than you deserved.  I walked this crazy difficult road, and realize now that God never left me.  Things happened for His glory and His glory alone.  Through it all, his plans for my prosperous future unfolded.  And, my story is coming.  I can feel it starting to pour from my fingertips, ready for the freedom in knowing it is all behind me, and today and tomorrow are already taken care of.  I can feel little parts of me unfolding, stretching towards complete freedom.  And, I can't wait to see how God is going to work through me to help others. 

This post was not at all what I started out to write.  It is funny for me to have a purpose for a post, then it end up completely not what I had planned or thought.  Gotta get back to a massive Lego house, now.  Cassie wants a second floor on her cowgirl castle...

Getting Ready...

So, I am sitting in the middle of several piles of clothes, shoes, small things to keep the girls busy, and clothes I still need to fold and put away.  And a room that needs me to finish cleaning it.  And the girls' room that needs ten minutes of my time.  And the luggage that needs to be pulled out.  And yet I can't seem to get over some seemingly small things.

Like gorgeous fall colors.  I am loving watching the reds, oranges and yellows come out.  And sitting here thinking about it gets me all excited, because in 24 hours from right now, I will be experiencing those same intensely beautiful colors in a cabin, secluded with the girls, ready for a small getaway from the craziness that is life. 

Like God's ability to just love me.  Yeah, sorta fall related, cause I feel like He puts on this amazingly beautiful display of colors just for me, just cause He loves me like that.  Conceited, selfish, whatever.  It's probably true for each of us.  He does some pretty awesome stuff, just to show off how much He loves us.  For some of us, it is fall leaves, for others a fish that was this big.  Some find goodness in the quiet stillness of morning's first light, others sitting beneath the stars.  Regardless, He loves us.  He created this beautiful place for us to enjoy.  While I feel silly saying this is proof of how much He loves us, I happen to know God could've created it ugly just as easy as beautiful. 

Like peace.  Such a small simple concept, and yet such a massively powerful feeling.  Even despite not knowing what God's plans are for me, I have this amazing surge of peace, knowing He has called me for greatness.  Single, married, divorced, whatever.  Speaking to women or cuddling with kids, doesn't really matter, He is gonna get the glory.  It's really His story, after all.

Like laughter.  The amazing sounds of laughing women, giggling children, and all of creation just bursting forth with this sound that is just happy.  Like nothing could take the fun happiness out of this moment, and I am going to laugh.  Doesn't matter what tomorrow brings, I am right here in this moment, and it is good, so laugh.  Smile.  Delight in it.  Don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's battle. 

I am starting to seriously feel guilty, because I know in a few hours, I am going to wish that I hadn't sat down and written a few thoughts out.  I know that I am going to feel a little stressed at the thought of four hours trapped in the car with the girls.  I might snap a time or two, or cry, because I am a girl, after all. 

But then...  This moment of serenity is going to come.  Memories are going to be made.  Cabins and woods are going to be explored - cautiously, but explored.  Bubble baths and play-doh time, picnic lunches and blueberry pancakes, enjoying God's masterpiece that is fall.  Knowing the girls and I are safe.  We are loved.  We are forgiven.  And we are each capable of being so much more than these things that hold us where we are right now. 

My heart just feels so full, and while I know a short trip in less than 24 hours is part of it, I also know it is because God has consumed the whole of it.  I want to stand on top of a mountain and just praise Him, because He is just awesome.  And, honestly, I think the girls and I are gonna do just that... 

Not sure whether or not I will post this week or not, but if I do, I do.  If I don't, just know I am soaking up some massive doses of memories, fun, laughter and little girl time.  And relaxing soaks in a hot tub, thank you Jesus.  :)  So thankful for where I am right now, even though it has taken rough experiences to get here.  God definitely knows what He is doing, even if I don't understand it at all. 

Armed and Ready

I have this massive urge to just start writing random thoughts and feelings and memories tonight.  And for some reason, none of it is flowing.  I have started several different posts, trying to explain what I am feeling and thinking and learning, and I delete them.  I believe this is the sixth or seventh shot at this.  And, if you are reading something, it means I finally got something worth publishing...  :)

I am working on something I can't wait to get out there.  I thought I would be ready this last weekend.  Turns out, it still needs a little tweaking.  I am good with that.  I have been walking down memory lane a lot lately, rethinking things that could've totally gone differently.  And, I have decided I wouldn't trade a single second of any of it.  I have realized that God sees me for who I really am.  Strong-willed.  Stubborn.  Rebellious at times.  He knew it would take a few hard knocks to get me to see Him.  So, here my life is.  Sorta full of hard knocks.  And yet, amazingly, I have no sense of dread over an uncertain future.  Kinda sorta amazingly awesome stuff right there.

I have been battling some emotional issues with Sara.  I kept hoping it was her age, and not real issues.  I am realizing it is real issues.  While I know that some things in life can just happen, and are not intentionally thought out by Satan to trap or trick me, I am learning he does use anything he can for evil.  Funny thing is, the God I serve is determined to use those same exact things for good.  :)  Sara has been having some issues.  For respect of her possibly reading this ten years down the road, I will not say what I am thinking, but will stick to the facts.  She remembers specific things that she saw when she was too young to be able to put them into words.  As she is getting older and seeing things from a slightly more mature perspective, she is starting to grasp the reasons I couldn't stay in the house with her dad.  It breaks my heart.  I hate to talk about it with her.  Really.  I don't like to talk about things that went down between the two of us.  It really doesn't concern her.  Except that she is remembering things that are making her mad at God.  And, let me just say, attacking my child is a low blow.  Satan better be on guard, cause my Momma bear claws are out.  And totally ready to fight.  And totally ready and more than capable of winning it.  So there. 

Turns out, Sara is mad because she has been praying and knows I have been praying for God's direction regarding some situations in our life.  I know God's got the situation, and is leading us towards the answer.  However, Sara is not quite eight.  She doesn't get it why He is ignoring her, and feels like it has been forever since she started asking.  And she's a little mad.  And, I was too, for a long time.  My heart aches that I refuse to do this my way, because my waiting on God for this seems to be increasing her hurt.  My heart aches that because I refuse to step away from what God wants, this thing goes "ignored" in her life.  I am realizing that Satan is totally attacking her, and in attacking her, it is causing me to wonder the same things.  Worry and discontentment are contagious, wretched feelings.  It is hard to get them under control as an adult, and when I don't have the answer she wants or is hoping for, it makes it harder for her.  We had a heart-to-heart Friday.  We had something that renewed her hope for a short time that turned to struggle Saturday.  And today, she questioned me.  Point blank questioned me.  While I am not going to say exactly what she did, I will give a brief overview.  She wanted to know why it was so important that I do this thing God's way.  Why do I keep believing for something when God hasn't done it for a long time?  Doesn't God love us?  What if His answer is no, or that we weren't good enough for it?  Oh. My. Word.  Why does being a parent have to be so stinking hard?  As a mom, I can sort of see a similar situation.  Sara wants a bowl of ice cream right before dinner.  It will kill her appetite, causing her to not eat enough of the healthy food she needs to grow and develop properly.  So, I tell her to wait.  Except, I am a little busy making dinner, keeping her sisters off of the stove, thinking about work tomorrow, updating my facebook status and doing five thousand other things, and I forget to tell her the "just until after dinner" part.  So, she gets mad.  She thinks I hate her, because come on, if you loved me, you know you would let me enjoy my favorite ice cream right now.  And, it is like Sara, or me even, coming to God with a request.  His answer is to wait for just a little longer, possibly until just after dinner.  Except he knows the hurdles we have to get through first.  He knows the meat and veggies He is providing right now are strengthening us for something bigger and so much better ahead of us. Then, instead of overwhelming us with what we have to accomplish first, he blinds us to the details and just asks us to wait, asking us to trust him with our hearts and lives so that he can get everything worked out for us, for just the right moment.  And, then, when He is ready, dessert will most definitely be served.  On a silver platter, no less. 

As I am writing this, I am almost laughing and crying at the same time.  It is so funny, because in the last three days, I have had three different things happen that have reminded me that God does in fact have this.  This thing is going to be answered for both of us; it is not going ignored.  Faith.  And, for those of you reading who were with me on Sunday morning, I still struggle.  So, I am thinking I am going to take my own advice.  First I gotta get my mind ready and armed for this battle.  Then, I gotta get Sara in the Word of God.  She isn't too young, nor is she incapable of understanding the meaning of faith.  Maybe I gotta preach the message one more time, for her and for me.  And, for those of you that weren't with me on Sunday morning, the message is coming here, too.  Soon.  Just gotta work up some courage and do it.  Faith and worry cannot go hand in hand.  You either trust God to do the things He says He's going to, or you worry that He won't.  And when you worry, you have  your own distorted control over the situation, and He can't do anything about it, except almost beg you to hand it fully to Him.  He will not rip something from your grasp so that He can overpower you to fix it.  He just doesn't work that way.  But, when we can fully get our grimy little hands off of "it" He joyfully works towards a solution. 

And, because these words keep moving and jumping all over the screen, I am leaving this post at that.  I know God is going to give me the strength I need to show her what faith looks like.  Yes, it is going to be hard.  But, I know, without a doubt, in just a short while, I will look back and say, it was totally worth it.