I alone is an incredibly terrifying statement. It implies the reality of I being a solitary person. Alone. I alone feel weak. I alone feel incapable. I alone am a little weary. I alone am not worthy, or perfect. And, for the present time, this is true. I am alone, and one person alone cannot accomplish what two (or more) can accomplish. And, I was really ready to sit down and throw myself a "alone" pity party. Until I got to thinking about what God would have to say about that.
While I do not want to pretend to be God, I am pretty sure it would go something like this, "Cil, you are not alone. You alone are stronger than any circumstance, because I am with you. You alone are fully capable, because with me you can do anything. Cil, you alone may be weary, so let me carry you for a while so you can finish this strong. Cil, you alone will never be worthy or perfect. But someone who was without a single sin took care of it for you."
I have been so emotional over the last few days. I am so happy. And, yet feeling so incredibly powerless. Walking into church this morning literally took my breath away. The hallways were lined with booths, explaining to others how they could help me and other single mommas just like me. I sat in service literally fighting tears the entire time, because I knew once they started they wouldn't stop. No judgement. No shame. No condemnation. Just love. And I am so thankful.
I have had two conversations about love in the last few days. Not love, like romantic love, but love like how much I am loved by the creator of everything. And, it overwhelms me completely. My mind doesn't understand it, my heart doesn't know what to do with it, and I just want to be able to put it all into some understandable thought. I am okay with failing this one time. What really gets me is the most amazing thought ever: I can do nothing to be more or less worthy than the next person. I can do nothing for God to decide to stop loving me. I cannot outrun it. I can try to hide from it, but the truth is, it is still sitting there waiting for me. I can't even try to describe the emotion I feel today.
Sitting in church this morning, a line from a song we sung kept going over and over, "Who is worthy? None beside thee..." It made me realize, regardless of who or where I am in my life, I come to the same God as everyone else. The One who just wants me to draw close to him, so he can draw close to me. I was just killing time reading a few blogs this afternoon, and came upon a verse in Ephesians, "...may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." And I realized, I am really truly loved. Fully and completely. Alone physically, and yet loved more than any human is capable of loving.
I alone am courageous. I alone am doing life the way God expects me to. I alone am blessed. I alone am doing big things. I alone am loved extravagantly...
Note to any single mom who may be reading this: Please check out this site for more information on how Northridge Church would love to help you!