The last three days have been so up and down I almost can't explain what I am feeling. It is so strange, because I am experiencing so many whirlwinds of emotion, and yet underneath can't help but to feel blessed and thankful for everything that I have, seen and unseen.
I met with a fairly large group of women last night, where we talked about brokenness. Some of the ladies there were struggling with so much of what I have been through, and it really started to get to me. I sat there and struggled so much with the way I felt, and hearing them talk about how frustrated, angry and upset they were almost brought it all back to me. I wanted to let the anger and hatred completely overtake me. However, that isn't God working in me. I know that.
Sitting there last night, I felt like such a total failure. This feeling was completely crazy, as there is no reason to feel that way. I have three amazingly awesome, intelligent, gorgeous little girls. I sat there wondering how many people thought I had it all together. I sat there, berating myself for feeling mad, disappointed, and lonely. I am so hard on myself and I hate that about myself, but am unsure of how to move past it. Instead of feeling excited about where I am and how far I have come, I was angry with myself last night for not trying harder or longer, or... In times where I feel tired, restless and disappointed with what I am today, I tend to wonder where I would be if I had stuck it out. Would he have eventually come around? The answer is no. I know that in my head. My heart still crosses that bridge every now and again. Especially when special holidays come around.
The girls are gone this weekend. I was so fortunate to share Good Friday with them. It was really neat to be able to share the reason behind why we were out of school. However, the Easter egg hunts, special dresses and shoes, watching their excitement over finding eggs in the morning, all of those things will be different for them (and me) this year. I am finding it difficult to not just sit down and cry over the things I am missing, instead of focusing on those many amazing blessings I have today.
I am so incredibly thankful for women who are open and honest enough to share little bits and pieces of their lives. I am even more thankful to discover I am not the only person to make a poor choice and land in something so massive I can't get out of it by myself. Once again, I am even more thankful that the blood of Jesus covers it all. While the sad little moments come and go this weekend, I am going to really try and focus on the facts first on the fact that this weekend represents the most monumental event in history. Then, I will focus on the facts that I am safe. I am happy. I am so blessed. I am protected. I am wanted. I am loved. Easier said than done, but still gonna work on it.
Hope this post finds each of you with loved ones celebrating the resurrection of Jesus! Happy Easter, everyone!
It's a refreshing, albeit unfortunate thing to discover that someone else's holidays aren't 'merry' and 'perfect' either. :) And although I'm happily married, i still have 'down' or 'bad' days. Even with a wonderful partner to go through life with, I am still my imperfect, human self. And some days are better for me, as far as liking myself (& my scattered brain), than others.
ReplyDeleteI know that you are tough on yourself & you have always been. You're probably like me in that you're kinda wired that way!
I really wanted to share with you, though, that I have been having similar struggles with my self worth lately; as well as some amazing support (and answers) from those around me, including God. Of course, He's the one trying to get the message through to me in my little world.
I really, reaaaally want to have a conversation with you in person about this whole issue of our self worth vs. Salvation, not because I think you're in need of it or anything, but because I can't stop thinking about it! God has really helped me to see how I hurt myself the most with my own deadly dose of guilt, shame & self-punishment. Why do we do this to ourselves?! I think maybe that's a little masochistic of us! ?? Lol
I am so bumming we didn't get to talk this week. It is okay, and neither of the girls probably should have been around other kiddos, so it worked out, but... :(
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing that even on "the greener side" as I see it, you still struggle with the same things I do. I wonder if the self-esteem issues have something to do with our early belief system of working for our salvation instead of just accepting it. Anyway, can't wait to be able sit down and chat!