I became a Christian so young I don't even really remember ever not being one. So over the course of 27 years, that is a lot of praying, learning and walking in faith. Anyway, over the last few months, maybe its been a process of years, I have really learned what it means to pray. And not to just pray, but to wait, listen and just trust. I am not saying I have it all figured out at all. I have just given up. I gave up what I want to happen for what God wants to happen. I mean, why would I even want what I want when what He has planned is so much better? Ten or eleven years ago, what I wanted was a married life, no kids, a dog or two, a job I loved, and partying on the weekends. Yeah, you see how amazing Cil's plan was, right? I am so happy and blessed that God knew what was really deep down in my heart. I love kids. I can't imagine not having them. Three is sometimes a lot, but I would never trade a single one of them, so I guess three is great, more could be better, but I am so not going there. I just think it is funny. I used to make decisions based on what Cil wanted. Cil wants this, so Cil does that. Cil wants that, so Cil does this. And none of it ever worked for my good. Some of the not-so-good did have amazing parts, but...
I just love the way I can pray now, knowing that if what Cil wants doesn't happen it is because God has something way better in store for me. I have been so longing for a new car. My PT Cruiser is just a
So, I have all these little things that I think I need or want, and I have found such contentment in just waiting to see what God will do. I have been kinda getting out of my comfy spots and doing things that are just not me. And God. :) He is kinda sorta amazingly awesome in the sneaky ways he works. I obey, He works. I look for him, he comes to me. Every single direction I look right now I see his fingerprints. My kids, my job, my old car situation, everything. I wish I had some incredible word tonight, other than how amazing God is, cause I have said that a few times already in this post. Maybe I should change the title??
I guess I said all of that to say this: I have been praying about something, a few people know exactly what, most don't, and no I am not quite ready to divulge my heart. I do not have an answer yet. But I sit here knowing that God's plan is incredible. I know this verse, but love the way I read it today from The Message: No one's ever seen or heard anything like this, Never so much as imagined anything quite like it - What God has arranged for those who love him. (1 Corinthians 2:something <--- gotta love the message for grouping several scriptures together, I have no clue what the actual passage is). So, if Cil has this plan, dream, longing, and God says not yet, not now, not ever, I see this to mean his plan is far beyond anything I can imagine for me. So this trust thing has suddenly been made so easy. If God chooses to not allow something to happen, it isn't because he doesn't love me, because he does. Jeremiah 31:3 says "God says, I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love!" God is not a mean God. He loves us. So, if he sends something different than I asked for, so be it. His plan, not mine.
I ran tonight. For the third time in a week I ran 3 miles in right around 30-35 minutes. And, instead of immediately rejoicing, I got mad at myself. This was typical for the old Cil. Do something that should cause celebrating and excitement and instead berate and minimize what I did. I found fault that I had to walk up "monster mountain" instead of bounding up it with endless energy. Silly. I know. I let the old monster creep in and criticize a moment of victory. Almost immediately, I felt something within me creep up, something kind and warm reminding me of something really important. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. If my legs can't run up a hill just yet, they will because I am wonderfully made. I can do all things (including that ridiculously stupid hill) with the strength of Christ flowing through me. I had a great time tonight. I walked into the house and for some reason felt completely unimportant, not valued as a mom, woman or friend. This was completely out of line, and I am so aware of it. It is amazing what happens when you know enough scripture to push those thoughts away and out, when you know who you are in Christ, and what exactly He did just for me. Well, and everyone else, but would've just for me, if needed. Anyway, I was amazed at how much ground I gained tonight with myself. With just some simple words, my whole mindset was set right again. I don't have to allow my mind free reign over my spirit. I have the ability to not only trust God with my prayers, but also my well-being and confidence.
Lastly, I read something in this incredible book I am reading and I wanted to share. I am a recovering perfectionist, more recovery is likely needed, because it is part of who I am. Anyway, this really hit me hard: "I know perfectionism. She calls my name and says 'You will never be good enough,' and sometimes I listen. I cower in a corner. Or I endlessly run. But it's always about fear. Then these words stop me in my tracks, grab me by the heart, and invite grace to speak instead: Perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18) I don't have to be perfect. I only need to be perfectly loved. And I am. So are you." (taken from You're Already Amazing, by Holley Gerth) So, this week the challenge for myself is to remember I am perfectly loved and do not need to fear my insecurities, imperfections or inabilities because those things will steal my joy. So happy for the incredible things God is showing to me right now!
You're Already Amazing is written by Holley Gerth. I strongly recommend it to anyone who has ever wondered about her self-worth or identity in Christ. This book has really changed my thought processes. It is amazing! :)