I have mentioned several times this amazing book I have been so lucky to find. I, again, will highly recommend it. I am nearing the end, and while I still struggle, I have realized that no matter how perfect my life is, I will struggle. We are all human; struggles are inevitable.
The balance between the feelings God gives us and the ability to express them back to him have confused, and honestly frustrated, me for some time. I used to think expressing the way I felt to God gave me the ability to treat this person that way because of the way I felt. I told God how I felt, so I should be okay, right? I realize that God is the giver of feelings. He has them so totally mastered, he created them, after all. However, giving us the feelings, even when we express them to him, does not give us the right to always act on those feelings. This book has showed me that. And, judging by my reaction to the parts I just read, this reality check was completely needed.
Anyway, I used to absolutely love listening to the song "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North. I heard it the first time at a really low place, and it brought me feelings of major hope. The song talks about how we are more than our circumstances, mistakes, and total screw ups. I used to listen to it when I felt like giving up on everything - life, marriage, mommy-hood, love, God, all of it. The video is very moving, too. So, when part of the book is titled "You Really Were Made for More," I thought it would have the same meaning. The song is awesome, if you've never heard it, look it up. :)
Back to this book, it talks about being made for more. At first, I thought, well, yeah, been there, listened to the song, I get it. I skimmed over it at first, because I thought I was smarter than that, and obviously didn't need it. I sat there thinking, yeah, I was made for more than the crappy hand I was dealt (yeah, that was actually the thought I had. Selfish and totally not the right perspective, but...). I was made for more than a life of solitude. I was made for more. I felt like the author of the book had no clue how well I knew this chapter. So well, I felt I didn't even need to really read it. Continued to skim through it, and skimming over it made me realize my thoughts were SO far off. Which was really a good thing, because well, my thoughts were really off. I didn't realize how I felt like "more" was owed because of junk in my past. Those were my stinky choices, and they shouldn't entitle me to a better "more" because of them.
So, there I sat, feeling pretty smug about being made for more. When I really thought about it, I started feeling convicted about how off I was. Yes, I am made for more, but looking from the Cil perspective is a little different than the more granted through the God perspective. Cil says I was made for more love, more affection, more appreciation, more, more, more. Then, it hit me. I was made for more love. God's love. More love than I can ever even understand or know what to do with. I was made for more of Christ flowing through me. More of His actions, thoughts, and ways. I was made for more trust, wisdom and strength than I will ever know what to do with, but they aren't through me, they are through him.
So, we are disappointed. We are discouraged. We want more. Because, well, we are made for more. But, when we feel this way, do we grumble and complain, or do we get our praise on or pray about the reasons we feel this way, remembering the creator of those feelings, and the planner of all our days?
I was flipping through my Bible tonight and came upon Ecclesiastes 3, which talks about the right timing for everything, and that God is really the only one who knows exactly what the right timing is. I don't know why I continue to be so blown away by God's gentle reminders that he's got it all taken care of.
So, as I sit here, getting ready to go to bed, I know that I was made for more. Part of that more could be a new start at a better life. Might not be, too, but regardless of that, I was made for more than I can ever express. More sorrow, maybe, so that I can experience more joy. More depression, so that I can understand what more victory finally feels like. More love, so that I can give and share love with others. So, instead of being impatient about why this or that can't happen just a little faster, I am just going to try and focus on the right here moments of total blessings. Little girls who use any excuse to sit and snuggle. Little girls who remind me God loves me, and that little girl loves me, too. I am blessed. Completely blessed. And feeling pretty much amazed at the things going on inside of me. And I love these new things. :)