Sunday, April 22, 2012

No Words Left...

This week has brought a lot of ups and downs.  Church last week presented me an opportunity that I do not typically take.  I took it, in obedience and was so thankful after.  However, this week brought be a lot of "opportunities" to choose God perspective instead of Cil perspective.  Several times, I have sat back, happy with myself, knowing I was looking at life through eyes that were not my own.  But more often, I sat back disgusted with myself, because I failed.  Again.  I am in the middle of a mind battle.  A vicious, no weapon too big kind of battle with my own mind.  I left an abusive situation, thinking that would remedy the abuse.  But, as I posted last week, the abuse lingers, because the words still cause pain.  A different perspective has brought me a lot of joy this week, but it has also brought struggles to let my perspective go.  I have tried to remember not to look at this with my own eyes, but to remember God sees something much much bigger.

This week I have felt completely cut off from civilization.  Playdates were cancelled, my mom worked late, Jess caught a virus, it was literally one thing on top of another.  I struggled.  I had a BAD run the beginning of the week, and it even left me feeling completely worthless.  Something I am learning about myself is that I am a very social person.  I enjoy the company of other people.  I like to hear about their days, their kids, their accomplishments, and even their defeats.  Realizing this is big, because I used to live in a small box, fearing (literally, fearing) the family get together, women's function, or school meeting.  I hated going to things out of fear of several things. One: people's judgement.  Two: people's wrath.  Three: People, in general.  Just bein' honest.  I had a small group who sort of understood me, but for the most part, I was a closed up box.  The last little bit has really made me realize I function best when I am doing something, helping someone, just loving on those around me. 

So, back to this week.  My mom had to borrow my car.  No biggie.  But, the psychological factor of knowing you can't leave the house started to weigh me down about 3pm.  At 4:30, I discovered Jess had this massive rash all over her.  I knew what it was, and that she wouldn't be in school the next day.  Turns out, she wouldn't be in school Thursday, either.  I teach.  I love my job.  It is one of the biggest blessings (aside from my kids) that God has absolutely orchestrated in my life.  It bummed me out that I didn't get to work.  On top of that, church was out for Wednesday, too.  On top of having a cranky baby, I had a cranky baby that just wanted to go bye-bye.  She begged.  It was pretty pathetic.  So, anyway, Thursday, Sara comes home with the previously mentioned massive rash.  Except, in true Sara fashion, hers was much much worse.  Because this reaction is typical for Sara, I sort of (ok, totally) brushed her off, telling her she was fine, but contagious, so...  Friday morning, she wakes up, and I realize she really IS much worse than Jess.  Talk about total mommy failure.  I felt like such a loser.  Anyway, I got out Friday night, but pretty much stayed in and threw a pity-party Cil-Style yesterday.

I have been in this battle with my mind.  God loves me.  No, He couldn't.  God is doing incredible things in my life right now.  Really, what?  Why not this or that?  God created me wonderfully.  Yeah, you are so wonderful you can't even keep a marriage afloat.  (Yes, my mind seriously thinks that at times)  I have been really trying hard to find a direct scripture to rule out a lie, but sometimes, there just isn't one, so I have to make do.  Anyway, I have really been struggling with this whole "single" thing.  When I finally put an end to the little bit of marriage I had left, I knew I was walking where God wanted me.  He put direct promises in my heart, and I have watched many of them come to pass.  But, the big one?  I just don't see it happening like I want, so I struggle.  I have said probably a thousand times I felt like God rescued me from so much.  While I still have a mind battle in front of me, I don't have to worry about anyone else battling me, too. 

So, come back to this morning, one of our worship team read Psalm 18 aloud during praise and worship.  I was blown away.  Anyway, in the beginning, it talks about God being our strength.  This week I have done nothing but pray for strength, it seems.  Strength to help the girls.  Strength to run.  Strength to say the right things.  Strength to keep my mind in check.  Anyway, what she was talking about caught my attention.  I was standing there, and it was like something literally snapped in front of me. Then she said, "he rescued me because he delighted in me."  The service kept on, but I heard nothing more.  He rescued me.  He saved me.  He pulled me out.  He gives me strength, courage, wisdom, peace, joy.  So many things I can accept, because he rescued me.  And, do you know why he rescued me?  Because he delighted in me.  He knows me.  He knows my innermost thoughts, fears, failures, wants, longings, dreams.  And yet, he still delights in me.  Me.  Cil.  If he can delight in me, why can't I?  He knows more about me than I do, so why do I struggle so much with this?  Why can't I accept his unconditional love for me, without fear of it eventually being taken away because of my decisions, thoughts or behaviors?  Why do I constantly berate myself when it is ME my mind is berating? 

So, as Pastor Derek talked again today about persective, I sit back, thinking.  God knows me.  He knows my thoughts before they even form in my head.  He says, "You, Cil, are wonderfully made.  I delight in you.  My love for you never quits. You are called, because I called you.  You are redeemed.  You are mine."  So, today, I am going to remember that if he didn't love me, he wouldn't have rescued me.  And, he totally rescued me.  And, he rescued me because he delights in me. 

If you were not at Northridge this morning (or last Sunday morning) I would seriously suggest listening to these sermons. They are amazing! :)  Note, you will click launch media player, and click perspective.  Today's isn't up yet, but worth checking back for, I promise! 

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