Monday, June 18, 2012


So, I have been re-reading the book I read earlier this year in preparation for the connect group I started.  The first meeting is still (only?!?) 10 days away, and yet I feel so inadequate.  Everything in me is screaming, "Seriously, Lord????  You really want me to do this???  Me??  Do you know who I am??"  I have had nothing but confirmation after confirmation, so I truly know I am doing exactly what God wants me to do.  But...  I am still nervous.  I still do not feel capable.  I do not feel amazing enough to tackle this.  And yet, His strength and abilities flow freely through me, and I am given one scripture, thought and idea after another.  I have this excitement and energy about this group and what God is going to do in it and through it. 

I do not want to give any of what I am planning away (but it really is going to be amazing!!), but I will say this.  God has been throwing words at me.  As I am given a new word, I write it down.  I was looking over this list of words I have been praying over for three days.  A few words have left me confused, and wondering if maybe I misunderstood, but they still remain.  I have thought long and hard about where I have been, the woman I was for so many years.  Underneath all of the pain and stress was this amazing person.  She was created for so much. But without that past, without the pains, losses and valleys, I would never have this incredible understanding of what today feels like.  As I grow and stretch and step out, I realize something amazing.  I am whole.  I am free.  I am me, and I am okay with that.  It absolutely amazes me to realize I am still that same person I was a year, or five, even ten years ago, and yet, I am completely different in the most amazing ways. 

I do not know the plans God has for me today.  I do not know what His plans for tomorrow hold, either.  But I do know this: His plans are far better than mine can ever be.  I know that I have this massive anxiety about speaking in front of people.  I also know that 12 (twelve!!!) women signed up for my connect group.  While that may seem like a small group to you, that is 24 eyes, all focusing on me, waiting to hear what I am going to say, how I am going to lead, and whether or not I really am amazing, as the book says.  In all honesty, I do not know what I am going to say, but I know God will speak the words through me, if I seek Him fully first.  I do not know how I am going to lead twelve women through the process of really seeing how amazing they are, but I do know God's word says He made each of us, numbered each and every day and created us for a unique and very special purpose, which really amazes me.  Today, I do not feel amazing.  But then, I look back over the last 5 years of my life and have this huge reality check.  I realize I really am amazing.  I could have easily become angry at God.  I could have walked away.  I could go sit at a bar and cry into a beer.  And, really, any of those things would be acceptable to so many people.  Lucky for me, acceptable isn't enough.  I want to be amazing.  So, as you read this, please pray for me.  :)  God is giving me so many ideas, plans and dreams for this group of women.  Please pray that I can have the wisdom I need to know when God is telling me to do something.  Please pray that as I am told to do something, I have the courage I need to do it.  And, please pray that I receive some of God's strength pouring through me, because I feel so completely weak and inadequate to lead this group.  This is truly going to be one of the most amazing summers of my life.  I can feel it, and I really am ready.  Haha, sort of....

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