Saturday, June 9, 2012

Two Little Hands

So, the girls and I had a road trip today several days ago (oops! Forgot to hit the publish button).  We took off and hit a faraway zoo for the better portion of the day, leaving me and the girls slightly over 4 hours of car time.  They were quite entertaining the way up, and the two littles crashed on the way home.  It left me with a lot of thinking time, though.  First, I listened to Tinkerbell and the Great Fairy Rescue.  Come on, Disney, really???  Nothing wrong with the movie, just a little stretched for originality, in my opinion. 

One good point of the story...  Somewhere in the movie one of the characters says something about seeing is believing.  I was really provoked.  Not mad provoked, just trying to rationalize all the thoughts going on in my head.  I realized how easily we all can fall prey to that thought concept.  It is so easy to believe in something we see in front of us.  But what about the unseen?  I am so guilty of saying, "I know God has this," or "I know God has it already figured out," but how often do I allow myself to really believe it without ever doubting?  In the end, after the father saw what the daughter believed in, he, too believed.  It really made me wonder why our faith has to see what God can do before we will truly believe.  Why is it that we, as adults, cannot just blindly trust that he has our best at heart? 

I remembered I have a free trial of satellite radio for the summer.  I changed it to listen to something I wanted to listen to, instead of trying to follow the quite interesting (NOT!) Tinkerbell storyline.  For some reason, it just left me longing for something more.  We got to the zoo, and I started to unload.  My goodness, you would have thought I was planning on setting up camp, for the amount of time it took to unload the car.  First, the stroller, then the canopy for the stroller.  My purse, camera, and Jess' extra clothes came next.  The bag of cold lunch, the bag of snacks, drinks, one thing after another.  And, remarkably, it all fit in the basket of the stroller.  I rock.  ;)  Anyway, by the time I got it all ready, I let the girls get out of the car.  At this point, they are mad at each other, tired of being confined and waiting, and restless.  Very restless.  We got halfway to the entrance, where I realized two of my three kids were crying.  Yes, crying.  Talk about feeling like a failure.  Got them settled down, and into the zoo.  The zoo was quite larger than our home zoo, and it was a little overwhelming.  The last time I had been to this zoo, it was large, but not like it is now!  At one of the exhibits, I decided to park the stroller, as the two littles were growing antsy, Jess was tired and crying, Sara was complaining and I was still trying to smile.  I had the two girls by the hand, and a delightful (hmmm, touch of sarcasm?) little lady made the comment that I definitely had my hands full with three energetic girls, and where was my husband?  I wanted to run.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to punch someone.  Yes, it would be easy to assume a woman with three young kids would have a husband.  Instead, I stood there.  In shock.  I said nothing.  The tears were stinging my eyes, wondering why the woman would even ask me that.  I remember praying.  I was suddenly blissfully aware that Jess' tears had stopped, two little hands were still clinging tightly to mine.  Looking up to me, waiting for me to respond.  I felt so overloaded with emotion.  Overwhelming responsibility to protect these girls from the real world.  Fear of them growing up without a Daddy that will go on spontaneous zoo trips to look at animals in cages.  And, those two little hands just kept squeezing.  Cassie said something to me, about it being okay that it was just me with them at the zoo, because we were having fun, and we even got to watch a movie in the car!  I honestly cannot even remember how I got away from that lady, because all I could focus on was those two hands, holding tight, waiting for me to guide them to the gorillas.  Reminding me I needed to show them the way a good mom just keeps walking, refusing to let one woman steal our joy.  Reminding me that while my hands were full of little girls chubby fingers, His hands were holding me, guiding me, teaching me patience and kindness.

I am amazed at how crazy it feels to know that the girls are completely my responsibility.  I want to show them so many amazing things about life, love, happiness.  I want them to rest assured, knowing that God is their sole source of comfort, peace, strength and joy.  I want them to be strong women of God, never wavering in their faith, but accepting that mistakes happen.  I want to remind them that money will never buy happiness or joy in life.  I want to live the life that shows them people mess up.  People forgive.  All of it is okay.  It isn't about failure, it is just about what we do with it.  God wants my life to witness to others what His amazing love can do.  What it can overcome.  And, knowing that at the exact second I need it, He will deliver it. 

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