This week has been insane for me. So thankful I was able to set my priorities this week and do what needed to be done before I did what I wanted to, but I really missed stopping, sorting through my thoughts, and sharing my feelings. I had no idea that a 4 or 5 day break would leave me so full of things I want to share! I sit here with so many things going on in my head, and yet, I have no idea where to even start.
I feel like all I have done over the last few weeks is ramble over this connect group. I have felt almost every emotion I have while preparing and have been so completely blown away by God's goodness and grace. I have been so incredibly terrified of what God has told me to do. I have been excited to be able to share things that other women took their time to share with me. I have been nervous about whether or not I would mess it up. Here it comes, but God.... :) The last week has proven to me He will never leave me. He will never ask me to do something and not walk me through it. Even when it is hard. Even when I don't want to do it. He laid some incredible tools on my heart, requiring me to have my nose in my Bible every spare second of the day. And, let me say, wow. It has beyond blown me away. Did you know that it says in there somewhere that we are his masterpieces? Talk about a tissue moment for me. I am not a screw up. I am not a failure. I am a masterpiece. Carefully, lovingly created. Each part intentionally placed, to make the bigger picture that much more priceless. Not to just sit in a dusty basement, but to be put on display, and used for a purpose. That one really got me. Anyway, I was so amazed at the spiritual muscle I have stretched. There were so many times I felt last night like I wasn't sure what to say, and immediately, I would be reminded of a scripture, either encouraging me or someone else. I have never been one to be able to quote the Bible with any accuracy. I always mess up the reference, or the wording, or the meaning. And, let me just say, when I can do that, I know it is God in me. And, I did it well. I am so incredibly thankful for God consuming every piece of me last night. I was emotionally exhausted. Even then, I felt so incredibly awestruck at how awesome God is, and what he is going to do for the women that signed up, as well as the women who will at one point be impacted by this group. It is truly going to be amazing.
All of the planning, tears, prayers, all of it was so worth it. Sacrificing who I am, and where I have been was so incredibly difficult, and yet, I feel a little stronger in God's ability to work through me. Someone once told me that I would feel so tremendously blessed by leading others. At the time I thought this person was totally crazy. I get it a little better now, and as much as I hate to admit being wrong, I was. While this study is going to absolutely change the lives of these women, it is going to change my life, too. I can't wait!
On a totally different note, amidst all of my excitement and happiness, I am a little sad tonight. For some reason, between the girls being gone, the house being quiet, and a slightly disgustingly hot run this morning, I am a little sad, a little reminiscent, and ready for the next bit to be over, and all the while peaceful and excited. Yeah, aren't you glad you don't live in my house?? :) I know this is ridiculous, because the girls have only been gone for 24 hours, but it seems like this week will never end. I am ready to have them home. Jess wasn't feeling well when they left, and this momma hates that simple fact. I am sure she is fine, but... I still long to wrap my arms around her and make sure of that on my own. I know this experience will stretch me, make me realize something important, but right now, honestly, I am just not feeling it.
While I love the fireworks, summer festivities, and general happy moods of most people this week, it is so hard for me to go through this time and not to think about the awesome man that took such incredible care of me, my mom and sisters for so many years. I cannot believe it will be six years this coming week. There are times that I still struggle with frustration that two of my kids will never know their Grampa, I know the man who went on to bigger and better things would never have wanted his body to be the way it was. I look back and cherish baseball playing in the house, pranks pulled, names called, and honestly just wish I could hear him a few more times. I wonder if he would be okay with the woman I have become, and know he would adore the girls so much more than anyone else could ever dream. I often wonder what he would think about the loud music at church, or the fact that Cass' favorite ice cream is the same as his. As thankful as I am to know where he is, and that he is no longer suffering, I get selfish and want one more hug. One more sparkle in his brilliantly blue eyes. I know that won't happen this side of heaven, but my heart still wonders every once in a while.
I don't want to end this post on a sad note. I want to say something sappy and sweet that will make me feel better. No wise words come to mind. Nothing powerful or mind boggling that will change my mood. I know deep down this mood will pass. I will make it through the next little bit and will be fine. As much as I miss the girls, I know this experience is going to be good for them and for me. I know that as a mom, I need to be recharged, and as kids, they need to experience different things. Just gonna keep reminding myself I am amazing. I am strong. And, I really can do this.