Sunday, June 3, 2012

A Thousand Words or None at All?

I have debated over posting all day.  Feeling the need, but never really figuring out where to start.  This really is therapeutic for me.  My head needs my fingers to write.  To hear the soft clicking of the keys as my thoughts appear in front of my eyes.  I need the lulling hum of the laptop that so amazingly helps me process my emotions and thoughts.  I seriously desire the release of so many things going through my head tonight.  I want so badly to lay it all out there, and yet, at the same time, really want to say nothing at all.  So, here I sit, my emotions and thoughts battling between pouring it all out and knowing I will regret doing so.  The struggle continues. 

I fought sleep last night.  Really no reason for it.  No fears or anxieties, no feeling the need to pray for someone, just restless.  It was rough.  I went to church this morning with such a crazy amount of mixed emotion.  I have really missed the girls this weekend. Again, not because I was anxious about anything, just because the house is so quiet with them gone.  I feel as if my purpose has been stolen when they aren't around.  I hate hearing the creaks and groans.  I hate being asked where they are.  Completely innocent questions, but it stings still.  I despise facing my failures so often. 

God saw my need (and I am sure there were others, too, but...)  and met me.  Pastor Derek reminded us today that God does indeed have incredible plans for us, and will hear every single prayer, but we must seek him.  We must ask.  We must let our struggles, worries and fears go, and just trust him.  It is so incredible what God will do when we obey and seek him.  It is also so incredible how fast our peace can be stolen from us, if we drop our guards and allow it to be. 

I temporarily allowed that peace, that trust, to be taken from me today.  I really struggled with some things happening.  To be honest, I am still struggling to get that peace and faith back.  I am not sure what God is doing.  I am trying to remember I can't see things the way God does, until he reveals his plan to me.  When the time is perfect.  Until then, I just have to wait and trust.  Regardless of the things happening in my life right now.  It shouldn't matter how big this storm is.  God is bigger.  A friend told me a long time ago that God is above this storm.  The fairly large storm she was referring to then is definitely not the same warm summer storm I am walking through right now.  But, the statement is the same.  He is here.  We were so gently reminded of that at church today.  He sits here with me, even when I can't feel him.  He knows what I am going through.  He sees my pain.  He sees my heart, knows my longing.  He knows I feel so incredibly broken right now.  The amazing part is that he is just waiting for me to ask him to fix it.  He can do it.  But, he won't, because I can't ask.  I am struggling so badly tonight because I can't figure out what needs to be fixed, so that I can ask him.  I am not angry.  I am not holding grudges.  But my heart aches, nonetheless.  I feel as though I have been shredded to about a million tiny pieces.  I struggle to reveal the way I feel versus maintaining this stupid fake smile that I have mastered over the years. 

God is doing such astounding things to so many I am close to.  I am so incredibly thankful that people in my life are finding happiness.  I am so thankful that prayers are being answered.  I have several people that have been praying for certain situations that are receiving answers and seeing God move.  And, I am so happy and thankful for them.  Honestly, I am.  I can see God in my life.  I can see him providing exactly when I need it.  I can see protection and am so deeply appreciative.  And yet,  I am really struggling tonight.  I am trying to trust God and know that he really has my best interest, and is leading me towards it.  It is just difficult to sit back and watch it happening in so many people around me.  Kinda makes me wonder how God chooses how long each person has to wait for their miracles, for an answer to a prayer, for deliverance.  On earth, I fully understand that we will suffer.  I understand that right now, when I am my weakest, the potential for God's inhuman strength is overwhelming.  But, I have to let go of the questions, the inability to comprehend what God is doing.  I have to just accept life for what it is today and rest in it. 

Today was beautiful.  A gorgeous blue sky day.  Slight breeze, not too hot, not too cold.  Today, I had the incredible blessing of attending a church service that I really needed to be a part of.  I had the sweetest lady take time and pray with me.  Today, I got a decent run (and walk...) in.  Up then down a "Monster hill" mile in about 8:30.  The next three were nowhere near as great, but I had legs capable of getting out there.  I am trying so hard to focus on the positive things happening, instead of focusing on the why's, how come's, when's and what could have been's.  The Message Bible clearly reminds me tonight, "I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home.  I know what I'm doing.  I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plants to give you the future you hope for.  When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen.  Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed. " (Jeremiah 29:10-14)  So today (I really should say tomorrow, because in less than an hour today will become yesterday), I have got to just remember and concentrate on the facts: he really knows what he is doing.  He has it all planned out.  He loves me.  He is with me.  Even when I feel alone and abandoned, he won't ever leave my side.  He won't let me fall.  He has started an incredible thing in my life, and I can't allow any enemy to steal it from me.  I want what God has for me, even if it means I wait seventy years for it.  Granted, I don't want to wait seventy years, but I have this funny feeling, it would still be worth waiting for.  I want what he has planned far more than what I have planned.  I just have to remember God's timing is way better than mine. 

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