Wednesday, July 4, 2012

So much...

Tonight, I have so many insane things going around in my head.  First, Happy Fourth of July!!!  :)  I have had a nice relaxing day, including not one, but two delightful trips to Kroger.  I declared last month that I would never set foot in Kroger on the first Wednesday of the month ever again.  And I meant it.  What do you know?  Twice in the same day.  On the first Wednesday of the month.  Yup.  It should have been declared a national disaster area.  Insanity!!!  I was able to get in and out relatively quickly, after a massive diversion occurred in the store.  I was standing in the middle of the produce section, listening to the announcement of freebies at the end of aisle two.  I stood there, torn between the lure of free stuff and getting in and out really fast.  Free stuff quickly lost.  It was packed in there!  Made some incredibly yummy food, and thoroughly enjoyed church tonight.  I love the relation of Independence Day to spirituality.  Freedom is freedom is freedom.  And, really, who doesn't love some freedom? 

My day has been a little down, though.  I have really missed the girls.  This is the first big holiday I have never spent a single second with them.  I have really missed them.  I go from wishing I could see their expressions at the fireworks, to praying someone is covering Jess' ears (the noise terrifies her), to just wishing they were home already.  Today is Wednesday, and I am halfway there.  I so totally just sounded like a therapy group...  My name is Cil, and I have gone five days without my kids...  ;)  I am trying to remember the positive side, but am really struggling.  I just miss them.  Plain and simple.  I am trying to stay busy, but after five days of not being a mom, no amount of busy is going to make me remember that I should have arguing, crying, and never more than 5 hours of sleep in a night.  As crazy as it sounds, I really miss it.  This is a horrible helpless feeling, and I despise feeling like this. 

I had fully intended on running errands, going on shopping sprees, waking up at dawn and running every day, and you know, I just don't feel it.  I am trying to remember to stay upbeat and thankful for the fast break, but, again, I am just ready to have the girls home.  Like, now. 

I am going to dive into the Amazing study stuff again on Friday, so hopefully then I can bring an upbeat passionate post about how awesome God is.  By the way, I still know he is awesome, even when I am a little down.  And, for the first time in a long time, I am not even angry that his fingers didn't snap a different story into existence.  I trust Him completely to give me strength, as well as cover the girls.  I don't want anyone to think that just because I am down means I am doubting His plan, because I'm not.  :)

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