Wednesday, July 25, 2012

A Day...

I am just going to warn anyone who might be daring enough to read this.  I am complaining.  As of this second, there is no encouraging insight for the end.  Never fails to happen, I write something that just pours out, people comment about it, let me know it was helpful, and my life seems to fall into pieces around me.  I know that isn't exactly accurate, but right now it is how I feel.  I just need to sit back and write, and the only thing on my mind right now is to make sure this day ends.  It's been a rough one...

I had a horrible nightmare last night.  I woke up in such an intense state of panic, I wasn't able to take a breath.  I really do not feel it is necessary to go into all of the details, but it was the worst one I have had yet.  Thankfully, I haven't had one anywhere like this in a very long time.  I haven't even had a nightmare in a long time.  Progress is so amazing, and yet, all it takes is one bad night to make me feel like a loser all over again.  I woke up before the sun came up, after dealing with one little girl having the same issues.  She told me after waking up to a bad dream in the middle of the night, angels were fighting bad guys.  She was afraid because the bad guys had swords, but the angels didn't.  When I questioned her about it this morning, she said the angels won, but they always do, right?  I love her reasoning. 

Anyway, after finally crawling out of bed, the girls and I met the rest of the cousins for the summer movies in Hendersonville.  Won't complain about that, as the girls have talked almost non-stop about the chimpanzees, and baby chimpanzees, and sad chimpanzees, and anything chimpanzees.  And listening to Jess say chimpanzee is hysterical, so I did not discourage any chimpanzee talk.  After we got home, Jess thankfully laid down.  I attempted to rest, but my mind got the better of me.  Eventually, I gave up and got some stuff done.  The big girls fought all afternoon.  I love them to pieces and wouldn't trade them for anything, but the fighting makes me ready for school to start.  I think they have had enough of each other for a little while.  The fighting wears on my nerves, stresses me out and reminds me that I don't have it all together.  I hate feeling that way, and am struggling to put those thoughts from my head.  It's a process... 

Anyway, went to church, had a lot of fun, and felt so blessed to have so many (18!) kiddos running circles around me.  And, I love that most are so happy to see me.  It just lets me know that no one is too little to be ministered to.  No one is too little to experience God.  And, when your gift is working with kids, you better do it.  I get so much out of it.  Especially nursery stickers stuck to crazy places, unbeknownst to me.  So glad I have no one to impress, or I would've been mortified tonight...  :)

Got home tonight, pulled in the garage, and started to get out.  Realized the front corner of the garage is under water.  About an inch deep.  Talk about frustrating.  I finally pinpointed where I think the water was coming from, was eventually able to see it leaking from the water heater.  Let me just say, I failed this test.  I sent the girls in to the house for jammies.  Ten minutes later, the girls come out, flipping out because there is glass all over the place.  I go in, sure enough, a glass has broken and shattered across two entire rooms.  There are tiny shards of glass in every single direction.  At this point, I am beyond frustrated.  While I know where the water is leaking from, I know nothing about what to do with it.  And now, on top of it all, there is broken glass, too.  Fun stuff.

I kept quoting that scripture in Deuteronomy 31 about how God will never leave us or forsake us.  I kept saying it over and over.  Let me just say, I have never felt so alone.  I felt no quiet voice, no calming spirit.  Nothing.  While I won't say I was abandoned, because his word says I will never be abandoned by him, that is definitely not the way I felt.  I have this massively huge mess in the garage, leaking into the downstairs entryway.  Three little girls flipping out because there are broken pieces of glass everywhere.  I tried phoning several friends with husbands who could walk me through what I needed to do with the water heater, all to no avail.  That moment when I could have just been happy to have found the leak before more damage had been done was nowhere to be seen.  I was just frustrated.  I kept reminding myself that God only allows tests in that will strengthen our dependence on him.  And, let me just say, believing any of it was difficult, and I did not pass this test with flying colors.  After I finally got a little help, I just about lost it. 

I know it was time for a breakdown.  I know there have been so many things weighing on my heavily over the last little bit of time.  And, the situation isn't as bad as it felt.  However, as I sit here thinking about the events of the day, I realize I am tired.  So completely tired.  I have not gotten my notes for my connect group together, I have not made cards.  I have not completed the housework that I needed to.  I have homework that remains unfinished.  I have yet to pack the girls for the next long visit away.  Life is happening, and I am feeling so pulled in 5,192 directions right now.  There are so many things I want to be able to accomplish.  There is so much I want to be able to serve with, work on, or just do for me.  And yet, every time I feel renewed and charged up enough to do anything, something bad happens.  Maybe I should just re-read last night's (wow, two nights in a row!) post about bad stuff and how and why it happens. 

At the end of this day, I just have to remember I survived.  The house didn't collapse.  And by tomorrow, I may desperately need a shower, or the problem could be fixed.  Who really knows?  The girls thought it was funny.  Sara wondered if we could turn the air on in the garage (no, we do not have an air conditioned garage) and freeze the water to skate on.  Cass showed Jess that it was a perfect jumping puddle.  And I didn't even slip and fall, okay I did slip, but never fell through the whole ordeal.  I guess I will just deal with whatever comes my way tomorrow, and can probably rest assured it will be better than today...  :)

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