Friday, July 6, 2012

Hello, My Name Is...

So last week, I taught my first connect group.  It was completely a success, no thanks to myself.  God was so totally all up in my space.  :)  For that, I am so incredibly thankful.  And, the things that I talked to the ladies about have been on my heart all week long.  Was having a little bit of a moment (can you still call it a moment if it lasts three days???), and finally came to my Bible.  I had forgotten about all the things I quickly shoved inside it at the end of our meeting (and, yes, I will admit to not opening my favorite version in a week, sadly), and they all fell out this morning.  While I rearranged the items for a better picture, this is basically what I got...

Last week, I was a little bummed that so many ladies were unable to be there, but I knew that I had prayed that the exact people that needed what I was talking about would be there.  I shared my whole story, which I have never done to a room full of women.  Scary, but so incredibly freeing.  Anyway, because ladies were unable to be there, I had some extra things, and so needed the encouragement this morning. 

I am so incredibly blue today.  First and heaviest on my mind, is my girls.  I literally am aching to just hold them.  While I work part-time during the school year, I am a stay-at-home mom during the summer.  I was able to take a week off of school to take a breath, and it is this week.  So, I feel a little out of place.  No kids.  No work.  No school.  No nursery at church.  I have enjoyed quite a bit of down time, but I am over it.  Like totally over it.  I want noise.  I want fights.  I want little arms around my neck.  I want the ability to know what the girls are doing, and that they are happy.  I have tried to stay as busy as I can.  It has helped, but there are still these day to day moments when I am not fighting with Sara that her outfit doesn't match, or telling Cassie she can't watch one more episode of Team Umizoomi.  Apparently, I was made to be a Mom, and without the kids, I am just really not in my happy place.  I am sure they are fine, but after talking to them, I just don't feel it.  But, I am reminding myself, in Christ, I am strong and capable, and I can do this.  I am 70% finished.  I have more behind me than in front of me.  And, sadly, I will not call them again.  I won't do it to him, I won't do it to them, and most selfishly, I won't do it to me. 

Secondly, I keep thinking about the man who showed me what real love is really all about.  Almost to the minute, we lost him 6 years ago.  I get so sad to think about the grand kids who will never know him.  However, it leaves me with the enormous responsibility to teach them his legacy.  Love, despite not feeling loved in return.  Be kind, even when you want to get angry.  Eat ice cream before dinner, just because.  Cookies are always meant to be shared.  And, there is never a situation you can't laugh yourself out of.  As a child/teen I didn't realize how important those moments with him would be, and I regret the things I said and the ways I treated him.  There is literally nothing bad that he could have taught them.  Even the time he played baseball with Liz's boys inside the house, breaking a lamp, wasn't a bad thing.  He was the most kind-hearted person I will ever meet, and I am so thankful that he stepped in when he didn't have to.

I know that I will get through the day, and will most likely just need to carry a box of Kleenex around with me, but it is tough today.  Parts of me really just want to go back to bed, sleep for a bit, and start over.  And I might.  Probably won't, but the option is there.  I am going to jump back into getting ready for next week's class, which is going to be absolutely amazing.  I am so excited about it.  I should probably just focus all of my energy on it, instead of allowing my thoughts to run wild today.  At some point, I know I will have some powerful words of wisdom from all of this.  Today, I am just going to survive.  And, really, there is nothing wrong with that.

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