Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Struggling Slightly

Every great once in a while, complete sadness overtakes me.  Sometimes, it comes with a reason.  Other times, it just hits me out of the blue.  My moments of sadness over the last few weeks have all come with a reason, forcing me to constantly evaluate where I am, what I am doing, and how I have to let go and let God.  The girls were gone, the anniversary of death, and now, this.  While it really isn't a reason to be sad, I am sad.  I find myself still mourning what could have been.  I know that I have done what is best.  I know I have done exactly what God had planned for me, but sometimes, the sadness creeps in.  In this part of my life, the sadness is rarely not accompanied by anger.  And, not towards who you would expect, but towards the one who didn't answer my prayers like I wanted.  Luckily, I can typically pick up this amazingly hot pink book of mine and put myself back into the right frame of mind. While I was praying out my feelings last night, I remembered a verse (Isaiah 54:10) I had glanced at while preparing for my connect group.  It says, "My love won't walk away from you, my covenant commitment of peace will not fall apart.  The God who has compassion on you says so."  I'm telling you, I love the book of Isaiah.   It reminded me that even in my anger and frustration that God didn't do what I wanted, he is still there, listening, planning and preparing me for something far greater than my plans could have ever been.

The girls slept in yesterday.  Like, out slept me.  It was almost 11:00 before I finally decided it was time for them to be up and start the day.  I woke up Cass, who woke up crying, asking for me.  Then, as her eyes opened and she realized she was home, she stopped crying.  It literally broke my heart.  I spoke some gentle words to her, and she smiled, a little sad, and whispered the sentence that ripped my heart out of my chest.  She said, "Mommy, I wish I didn't have a Daddy so I wouldn't ever have to go away again."  I know she wasn't speaking out of anger or dislike, but because she didn't want to be gone for so long.  I genuinely believe it wasn't because she doesn't love her Dad or want to see him.  I know this was no reflection of the love or care shown to her while she was away, either.  But, it still broke my heart.  I never planned for this to happen, and struggle when I see the girls' pains.  I want to fix it all, wipe away their tears, help them realize that God has an amazing plan for us, that will leave us all happy, healthy, and alive.  Not in daily fear, constant worry, and stressed out to the breaking point. 

I wanted to sit down, write this out and process it yesterday.  Today, I am thankful I didn't, because it has given me a little bit of time to think about what she said and how I need to help her through this.  A year ago, that sentence would have made me happy.  It would have confirmed that I was doing the right thing.  I know that emotion wouldn't have been healthy for me or the girls, because it would have been twisted and so not right.  I am thankful for different emotions, but wish I could feel like they were healthy normal thoughts.  I know I have made progress, and I know what she said wasn't exactly what she meant.  Today, though, I struggle with a little girl who doesn't want to go away this weekend.  Granted, cousins are coming that she hasn't seen in a while and she is excited about it.  I am sure this is not reflecting any emotions towards her Dad.  I know it is because of her excitement about seeing family.  So, I struggle with two different parts of my brain.  You know the little angel sitting on one shoulder and the little devil sitting on the other side?  That is pretty much how I feel.  I am thankful she knows this is a safe place, and she can tell me what she is thinking.  On the other hand, the girls' thoughts sometimes hurt so bad.  This is not what I planned when I said, "I do" almost 9 years ago.  I get that little angel that is thankful for safety, love and protection.  Then, the other side starts to creep in on my thoughts, and pulls the anger and frustration out of me.  Reminds me that I am with them on a daily basis, and tells me that I can feel better than the other party.  Luckily, the angel side is winning, and I know feeling better than someone else is not the right mind set, nor is it accurate.  Christ died for everyone, and loves each of us the same, regardless of what we are doing in our lives. 

However, today I find myself sitting back and remembering.  Thinking about the unexpected turns that started so many years ago.  I sit here and realize I am more than a little frustrated because I prayed long and hard for miracles to take place in his heart and mine.  I prayed that the drinking would stop, and we would become a priority in his life again.  I prayed that I would have the patience to endure whatever I had to endure so our family could be whole.  And, instead of getting what I prayed for, I get what God intended.  I know God sees the whole picture.  I get it.  And, luckily, I can honestly say I trust He has our prosperity in mind.  I know that when it is his time, he will do exactly as he promised.  That picture I have in my head is going to happen.  Just not like I had planned. 

I learned something when the girls returned home.  Something I am so incredibly happy about.  I have been replaced.  And, truly, I am happy about it.  I am so thankful that he can move on and celebrate life with someone else.  I feel no anger or pain from this, I am genuinely happy for him.  I honestly felt relief.  No sudden pangs of jealousy or anger.  And, that shows such progress for me.  As bad as this may sound, I am just so thankful that it isn't me.  Again, God always knows what he is doing.  While I struggle with the why's and how come's and frustrations, I know that he is really doing something big for me, without having to be "with" someone to do it.  I don't need someone for my prosperity.  I don't need someone to feel worth something.  I don't need someone to make me happy.  It is a great feeling.  One that is difficult to accept and embrace, but I am doing it. 

I was wasting time on Pinterest last night, and found this saying, and it really helped me.  Gonna post it, and hope it helps someone else, too.... 

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